I'm Pretty Frightened....As my life just seems to be going nowhere and I am trapped and ashamed of my lifestyle and who I am. I have been ever since I hit my twenties. I am not like other women my age. People say that I am unique but it's not good to be unique and different to them when you feel the way I do. I am almost 26, still living at home, have no friends and so no social life and I am bored rigid. Today I have spent most of the day staring at the clock willing the hours to go by as I feel so alone and bored. I am not cut out for this lifestyle, this lifestyle of being a loner for the rest of my days, single and without a partner. Although I am shy and quiet, I am not one of those people who can cope with being alone for long periods of time. Of course I need my alone time but I also need to be socialising with others and I don't get to do that.
I can't take feeling like this anymore, I am tired of it.
I also hate my job at the moment. Having to see a co worker who I was once close to but knowing that I can't be myself around her anymore as she keeps hurting me and letting me down. I can see she is starting to get annoyed about it now as although I am polite to her, I am not how I used to be. But I can't keep on like this and she doesn't seem to understand that she can't keep treating me as though my feelings aren't important. She used to be like an auntie figure to me but after countless times of letting me down I can't see her that way anymore. Everytime I see her in work it hurts and makes me even more upset. Having her in my life used to make me feel confident because if someone like her liked me then I must be worth something. She doesn't know I have no other friends and that this makes her behaviour even worse but would she even care? I don't even think so.
I can't handle the stress of my job either. Working in the daycare is hard enough but I am also team leader of a playscheme and can't cope. Some of the older children are extremely badly behaved and everyday it is pure chaos. I get no support and my boss treats me like I am worth nothing and patronizes me. I also feel guilty as there are two five year old twins who are clearly very nervous and shy and get upset easily. I feel guilt that I can't give them more of my time and have even cried over this which is pathetic but it matters to me.Most of my co workers are also about 6 or 7 years younger then me and they keep asking why I am still in the job. They have no idea how qualified I am and to be honest, I am only there to make up hours as the daycare doesn't provide me with enough but I still feel judged. I also worry that they talk about me behind my back and how weird it is that I am still in this job.
I feel like I am being stretched thin all over the place but that no-one gives a damn about me.
I feel like my life is in tatters and I am deeply ashamed and hurting over it. I keep waiting for things to change, I keep trying to initiate change by going to exercise classes and inviting co workers out but nothing works.
I am tired of feeling this deep hurt and frustration. I feel like a worthless nobody who everyone expects so much out of but who gets nothing back in return.