Do you ever feel like you are walking through life watching everyone else live? Standing in line waiting to get on the ride but the ride never arrives. Waking up each morning and the first thought in your head is more sleep. Walking through the motions like an empty capsule feeling nothing but motion. You go to work everyday because it’s expected and the routine becomes a predictable waste. Have you ever driven somewhere and not remember driving there…that’s how I drive my body around daily. Smiling because it’s what they want to see, saying a lot of nothing which seems to satisfy the illusion that you are really there. Feeling dead but breathing and wishing you could just stop thinking. My mind is constantly thinking and with all this thinking I find myself without any further or better understanding. No epiphanies, no plans, nothing remotely useful just more empty thoughts. Trapped in a mindless cycle and if I am not living then I must be just waiting to die. “Maybe you need meds”…yeah…so then I won’t know that I’m walking through life dead inside. No thanks, I’ve come to think of this pain in my chest as an old friend…it reminds me that my body still exists….when the pain stops my body and soul will finally be one…that’s when I will find peace.

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4 Responses May 12, 2011

I notice all the comments here so far are from those who have a spouse and children. I know reality can be perception but what ever is reality for you is your reality. Growing up feeling isolated, shunned by those outside your family and church etc. then not finding anyone with whom to create a family. prolonged lonliness leads to pain. Life becomes "not worth it" anymore. Thanks,

I have wondered about the evolutionary origins of depression. How could a trait like this become so common (1 in 10?) if it were counter-productive to the survival of the species (whether through lack of productivity, or outright suicide). Perhaps one aspect of depression is a focus on what is missing, on what we don't have, of what we long for. Without this focus, perhaps the drive to accomplish would not have been so strong.<br />
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Perhaps the answer to our emotional lives is similar to the (partial) answer to depression. The glass is also half-full. Whether it be my children, my hobbies, my friends, my community involvement or my career, I ought to be able to find satisfaction from other aspects of my life. Hopefully you can also.

It reminds me of someone's observation (100 points to whomever can name the source :) ) that depression is the luxury of those who don't have to worry about survival.<br />
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I don't mean to minimize the pain of depression. I have known it and know it well. I think it speaks to a hierarchy of needs, where only when our physical needs for survival are met can we then turn our attention to our emotional needs. It doesn't make our emotional needs unimportant, or less distressing to have unmet.<br />
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For some of us, we always want more. I dream of contentment; yet, knowing myself, suspect that I will always aspire to more. I wish I could do a better job of being content with what I have instead of longing for what I don't. On the other hand, I very much fear that I will die this way (I do not fear death) -- lonely and feeling unwanted and unappreciated. To content myself with my situation would be squandering what remains of my days.<br />
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Shyriss, I hear you. I have thought of waiting until my girls grow up. It will be another 13 years though, until my youngest is out of high school. That is a long sentence.

Do I ever feel like that? Yeah. The funny thing about epiphanies is that I have them now and then, and they feel like they're life changing, but somehow my life doesn't seem to change.