Indecision

He was the last person I conversed with last night. It could have been as simple as that but its not. I have long deleted his number but its useless, I have memorized is unfortunately. Like my mind has its own way of remembering things even I desperately try to forget them. He left me five months ago without a concrete reason. That's why it was so devastating. and yet.. and yet.. everytime he asks for help, i could not say no.

I distanced. I never communicated with him again. However, here he is again. Even if how many times I tell myself I dont care, its rubbish. I do. But im undecided. Sometimes I would completely ignore him even if its breaking my heart because I am afraid that being there for him would just hurt me. The same thing would happen again. This indecision is painful. Im always having what ifs and all. I want him yet Im so scared of the things that he could possibly do. My friends told me to be upfront about it. Tell him that I still like him and ask that if there is no reciprocation from his part, then might as well get away from me. Its easy to say that but i dont think i have the guts to say that. I keep on wondering why. Ive been praying asking God that he would just take away this love and affection in my heart if he is really not for me. And Ill still be praying that. I really dont know. Last night, I keep on steering the conversation away from personal things. I still cant. Im still afraid. Even if my heart is bursting and screaming "look fellow I want you" but I remember the pain and the fear overtakes. Life is really not simple at all.
brbarbie brbarbie
22-25, F
Jan 5, 2013