Stage: Regret

There comes a point in all our lives, when we wish things were some other way. Upon reflecting about the things we want different, we recount the things we’ve done and lament over what we did wrong and beat ourselves up about how we “should have NEVER done this or that”..

Well, maybe generalizing everyone is wrong. But it sure as hell is that way for me!

The 2 saddest words in the English dictionary put together, “If Only..” otherwise known as Regret, is such a painful and excruciatingly bitter experience.

I feel like I’ve lost the zest for anything and everything. In the beginning it was the undeniably strong urge bursting from deep within me to pen my thoughts down and pour out the toxic from my burden laden heart, that propelled me forward at an intense rate. Every minute I could get I would just want to write and write.

But, now, at this sullen and sombre stage of Regret, the only fire burning inside me is the desire to want to invent a time machine and go back to when he loved me… those were the days.. the days where I could sleep. The days where I could smile. The days that I had a reason to go home, just so that I could spend time with him… the days where my heart would skip a beat every time it beeped, hoping it’d be him and catching my breath when it is him sending I love yous my way. Regret is too painful…

I regret moving away from him when I found out that he had lied and gone out with HER… I regret telling him I’d never come back.. I regret making a deal out of him lying about HER.. I REGRET I REGRET I REGRET!

If only I did not get upset.. if only I stayed on when he said those beautiful things on MSN.. if only I went back and told him I was sorry…IF ONLY I just sucked it all up and let myself get hurt but never tell him…

If ONLY I did all those things, he’d still be here. He’d be going to sleep with me… he’d be texting me.. we’d be watching survivor together.. we’d be happy.

I lost my resolve – who am I kidding, I had none to begin with. I went back and told him all is forgotten and that I wanted his friendship still, just like he wished- right?. Instead of accepting that and feeling happy I came back, he ran.. he din talk to me. HE finally did when I said that the least he could do was to respect me and respond to me.. he did and it’s been cold.- like we’re acquaintances.. he hasn’t told me he loves me… he says ok bye i”m going to bed and leaves me. Says he doesn’t want to watch survivor with me because he’s not ready.

How does he sleep .. how does he get through his days when I’m suffering. … I regret going back. I regret losing my resolve. But if i had gone back a tad earlier when he said he was repenting… he’d still be here… I regret not going back earlier..

Maybe it’s the kinda things friends say .. he doesn’t deserve you.. he doesn’t know what he has lost.. he’s ******* stupid… you’re so beautiful and your heart is so pure he will never be able to find someone like you! It’s his loss!… But, If all that is true.. how come I’m the only one sitting here at 3.27 in the morning crying and blogging about my feelings…??

I regret.. I regret all that I am.. I regret pushing him away .. I regret taking time to heal my wounded soul.. I REGRET… this stage is an absolutely HARROWING experience.. to be here and invisible to the one you’ve lost your soul to is cruel.. it’s distressing and I’m at my wit’s end.. I want to be free..
An Ep User An EP User
Jan 12, 2013