Today Was The Final And Bitter End- How Do I Make The Pain Stop?For those who have followed my story before you might already know, but for those who haven't in a nutshell, I had an affair with a guy who was already involved but persuaded me right from the beginning. I know it's not an excuse and I am not trying to make any excuses for myself, but I'm just stating the facts.
This guy is 21 years old, and I'm 26. While he is very wise beyond his years in some matters, in reality he is just still a kid, with admitedly bad commitment issues, who thrives upon attention and will only pass on any propositions if he doesn't find the other guy attractive. However we started off on great terms, hanging out and having fun almost every day, and so it seemed special. Even when we did finally sleep together we both agreed it was more than just a hookup, and when his partner found out about us and walked out, and I was having problems at home I saw it as an opportunity to try and approach him more and get closer. I went and stayed with him for two nights, but things weren't as I expected. He had no interest in getting intimate, even though he said he wanted it but he was just tired, he would give me some hope but at the same time remind me of his commitment problems and say it would take him a long time before he started a relationship. He was even talking to me about a potential hookup with this other guy that was onto him after he heard about his break up.
He had told me I can leave whenever I wanted but not without telling him because he would get angry, but very spasmodically I did just that the following morning. Not wanting to leave his life but with all this uncertainty and with everything going on in my family I just couldn't take being there anymore. I didn't know but he was awake watching me leave and I wrote him a text as I was leaving the door. At that moment I wasn't thinking he would take it that seriously, but when I finally got through to him hours later he said that I had ruined the one chance he gives everyone and he didn't know if he can forgive me.
Today I tried him again after a few days, and he agreed to meet only to tell me he was doing it to finally make me see that he didn't want to be bothered anymore, and that in these last couple of days he is really happy with his life because he got new work, he started going to the gym again (something we were supposed to be together) and that he started a new course, and supposedly met someone new even though I know for a fact that this new person is none other but his ex who is now not his ex anymore, and that he has forgotten about everything we have shared.
I'm hurting so much because I still love him and I know I will go on loving him for a long time, but at the same time am cursing myself for not breaking his heart like he did mine, and I still want to do it. Somehow maybe through a message or something I want to tell him that I feel sorry for whoever crosses his path, and use things he has confided to me against him just to make him hurt like I am.
People make mistakes, and people need to learn to forgive at least once in their lives, especially when the other person didn't mean harm and they do everything to try and make you understand. Why did he have to treat me this way?