Pardon Me While I Burst Into Flames...

Does anyone ever get sick of dealing with the crap??

Right now, I am unhappy, unsettles, discontent, restless, bored, unfulfilled, ....etc.

I'm not good at hiding my feelings, but I am good at stuffing them down. I'm tired of that too.

Sometimes you get so tired of the same ol **** that never changes that you just don't want to deal with it anymore, in any way.

I'm tired of bending over backwards, inconveniencing myself to be there for other people who could seem to not give a **** less. I feel unappreciated and taken for granted.  I feel like many of the poeple in my life are selfish, only wanting what is best for them, when it is best for them, and completely ok with screwing me over or using me or taking me for granted. I'm not perfect but I KNOW I haven't done anything bad enough to deserve the way I have been treated by certain people - esp my family.

And I am tired of feeling like I base my decisions on what other people want and think. I am tired of feeling like I have to put things that I want on hold in order for others to do what they want first. I have my own goals/dreams/wants and no matter how small or insignificant others may think they are, it doesn't make them any less important to me and it doesn't mean I deserve to have them any less than they deserve to have theirs.

I desperately NEED something good to happen...and very soon or I think I am going to sink into depression....if I am not already experiencing it. I am sooooo tired of the daily grind...get up (tired), work all day at a miserable job just to scrape by to pay my bills, including the student loans I had to take out years ago to pay for a degree that seems to have not helped me at all (which then makes even more bitter about having to work a crappy job...), dealing with my highly dysfunctional family and my resentment/conflicting thoughts with that, my feelings of disappointment with myself, coming home and sitting around and doing things to kill time and, as I call it, go "brain-dead" so I don't have to think or deal with all the crappy stuff that I think or deal with all day. However, I still end up thinking about those things at some point. Some of those things I can't deal with because they won't change any time soon, if at all. I know if they don't change, I shouldn't worry about it, but it still seeps in somehow.

I am SOOOOOO tired of dealing with my family (I have been working on a literary masterpiece of a blog about that so I will spare all the details for now) and I am sick of how they talk to me and how they treat me. I try and try to be the more mature one (and trust me, it's not like I have to try hard)

I feel like I am meant to do more with my life - I feel like there are certain things I want in life to feel ...more fulfilled. I want a better quality of life and it seems like nothing is coming around....at least not fast enough. It is easy to say that you will eventually have or do something, but with no definite time and no progress being made, it is hard to remain optimistic and believe that it will happen.

I need something to change...soon. I can tell I am either starting or will start to get resentful towards the things and people that I feel like could care less about my dreams/goals and are happy going about their day-to-day lives as they work towards achieving their goals, content to let me be as-is. I mean, why should they care what happens to me when they are doing what they want or actively in route to doing it? At the end of the day, they aren't the ones who have to live my life and aren't the ones who aren't achieving their goals.

I get angry at myself for having student loans......they keep me from being as independent and financially stable as I would like to be. I wish I could live each day knowing that I can provide and take care of myself, no matter what happens. I don't have that feeling and it leaves me feeling constantly anxious and worried.

I want to cry so bad but I just can't form any tears. I just feel like giving up sometimes. I am seriously getting tired of trying, both  with people and things. I feel so horrible and sad/angry on the inside that I feel like I can't take much more. I wish I could just get to that point where I feel nothing and just do not care about some people. Trust me, I am trying hard to get there with my family but it seems liek a painfully slow, agonizing crawl of a process, but I just don't want to care anymore.

The sad thing is, I am usually a very positive person. I always look for the best or try to find a way to do something or make something work. I just don't feel like I have that in me right now. I am trying be positive or at least see some positive points, but I feel like I am one thin thread away from a complete breakdown.

I actually drove to the airport a few weekends ago and sat there, watching the planes come and go. I remember that I had the strongest urge to just go in the airport and pick the next flight out, to wherever it was going, and just go. No bags, no place to stay or thing to do, just GO.

 I remember thinking that I wouldn't tell anyone what I was doing or where I was until I got there. I just wanted to get away from here....leave it all behind, if just for a day. I didn't though....the part of me that is always worried about financial stability and scared of having to talk to someone I don't want to because I need help, that I talked myself out of it.

I also notice that I have started to actually want to drink more. All my life I have hated beer. It tastes and smells gross and leaves this gross after taste and always seems to put me to sleep, yet lately I have been coming home from work and craving a beer to help me relax/unwind/ and forget about my problems. Don't worry, I'm not an alcoholic or even suggesting it's getting there, but I do notice an increase.

I do think I probably would benefit going to talk to someone professionally, but I just don't have the money for it. But maybe EP is the next best thing?? lol

Anyways, it's now conveniently midnight and I have to get ready for bed so I can get up and go back to work tommorrow. Story of my life.

PLease let me know what you guys think...if you made it through my ramblings...  :)

ItsJustMe888 ItsJustMe888
31-35, F
Mar 9, 2010