I Dont Want To

I don't want to tell people about my problems, i hate people who always complain and always think about themselves (pretty easy to hate myself really when you think about it :P) I figure if i put a happy face on things my problems will eventually be forgotten, however, this has got me to the point where my life is in the dumps, i have almost no real friends, i hate myself, and so on and so forth.

Basically, this strategy of bottling things clearly isn't working, although i have so much to complain about, that i cant spill anything to a friend, because one secret just leads to another and another, and last time i told a friend anything, last time i let my guard down for a second, i spilled too much and almost lost that friend (i almost spilled something that would definitely make them ditch me).

And now its got to a point where my friends don't even know me, i always imagined what it would be like to be the "strong silent type" the type that will take anything you dish out, and never mention it again, and without realising, i have become that person. Taking a "random" friend as an example, Jo (the girl im also crazy about) knows nothing about my failing to talk a friend out of a suicide attempt and the associated guilt i feel, nothing about the mini-breakdown i had at university (i was blubbering for hours, and kinda stopped sleeping), nothing about how my dad will very occasionally snap and smash someone over the head with a cooking utensil, nothing about my (...lets face it, its probably...) depression, or my feelings about her. Without realising it, i managed to hide most of who i am from her, and she is the one im most open with. I have become the strong silent type, and its nowhere near as macho as it looks, you just whimper to yourself instead of others.

Holding everything in is killing me, but i am too invested to pull out now, or i will destroy every friendship i have left.
djpanda djpanda
18-21, M
2 Responses Aug 14, 2010

it has already turned to violence, i used to go mad and just attack bullies at school, now i just hit walls and trees, that seems like a safe enough outlet for violence, no one gets hurt, not even me, i have been doing it so long it doesn't hurt any more, no matter how hard i hit.<br />
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I don't feel much of the "pain" though, unless im caught off guard, which doesn't happen too often, usually it just feels kind of muffled, like most things, i tried finding help, but finding a reliable reference to a therapist in this town is no easy job.

please get some professional help for yourself. without it your anger will turn to violence. i have seen this happen in people that don't even want to be this way because life has offered them up too much stress and little else. i also think this is too much for your friends to be able to cope with. i'm not sticking up for them, they should be there for you as a friend too, but sometimes too much happens and we cannot overwhelm our loved ones with it all. a lot of people ditched me when my partner came out as a transperson. some folks really can't handle all of our battles. <br />
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you seem like a reasonable young person who has been through a lot of hurt in life and you deserve to feel good about yourself again. help from others sucks and talk therapy may not be a plan for you, but please look for compassionate people.. they really are around and will help you. i'm sorry for the pain you are going through, keep writing here as well and spew it all forth in print if it helps!