Too Mature...

I'm only 16.  My mom's a hoarder.  I'm trapped in this house. I can't get out.  I pretend to be happy around my parents because it would kill to let them know how I really feel.  And my real feelings? Anger. I can't feel anything else.  I don't feel love.  I feel alone.   Growing up like that, in this home can mess up a person mentally.  I say I love them but really I'm lying.  They've constantly lied to me though, so I know no better.  We don't have a lot of money either.  So, I constantly worry about that too.  They forced their financial issues onto me and make me feel guilty for wanting to do something most kids get naturally. I can't do a lot of the things other KIDS my age are doing because we can't afford it.  I pay for my own phone and have paid for my own driver's ed. because I want to drive so I can get out of here.  Which brings me to the next thing, if I ever get enough money to pay for insurance, my parents won't even let me drive because they can't handle me growing up.  I can't date, I can't do things alone, I can't be independent. But I am alone all the time at home. No love.  So yeah. that's my story.  I could probably go on forever and ever about how much pain I'm in but then I start feeling guilty for having these terrible thoughts about my life and my parents in my head, which is the most messed up part: even though they put me in this much pain I couldn't bear to tell them this because it would make the last few years I'm living with them even worse.  So I'll just stay under this huge lie forever.
girl9999 girl9999
4 Responses Apr 13, 2012

"I can't be independent" you said this .. but from what I see, you are way more independent and mature than others, that's not bad imo, this means you have what most people your age are missing, life experience .. this is one priceless thing .. what we face is decided for us, but we, only we are the ones ale to decided who it gonna turns us into .. from where I stand, I see a perfect little lady who doesn't need help because she got it all figured .. you already identified your parent's problem, but you also admitted that our parents usually have special treatment from us .. even if they hurt us, we just love them and wanna make them happy .. you know that you have financial problems, but you somehow, even if pressured into it, managed to work out a solution for them .. you want to date and can't, but believe me .. this may be in your benefit despite how hard it might seems atm .. you see yourself unable to live like all those same age around you, but sometimes, the things that everyone is doing is not that right thing .. I may go and search for excuses and try to find small good points to make you appreciate your life now, but no .. your life is hard, but you getting through it means you are strong, successful .. and what doesn't kill you, makes you stronger .. you might think that you are trapped in that huge lie forever, but I ll tell you two things; you re not lying to your self and this is the important part .. and you will one day get married and have an amazing family who's gonna be way much better coz of the strong person you grown up to be.

Im sorry that you are dealing with all this at such a young age. It does sound like you are learning responsibility by paying for some things, Its sad that you have to at that age but its good that you are learning how to be responsible. I know its hard to live with a horder, but just remember that doesnt mean she doesnt love you. It is not your fault that money is tight so dont feel quilty about that ever. I used to be at home all the time like you at your age, my mom is a horder too. my mom used to put a lock on the phone so i couldnt use it. I bought my own car at 16 but was not allowed to drive it untill i was 18. i once got grownded for 1 year! because i invited 3 friends home. please try to hang in there and if you ever need to talk, I am here. Good luck:]

I'm sorry you're suffering. Being trapped is a terrible way to exist, I know, I experience it too & I'm much much older than you. I understand about being too poor to do the things I wish I could do. Its hard. I know I can't make it better for you, I barely know how to make it better for myself. Just wanted to let you know I understand. {{{HUGS}}}

Call the National Boys & Girls Town Hotline-there is help for you,..there really is!.