Please Help Asap

I have always been told that I'm a smart kid for my age (14), but no I'm starting to figure out that's going to be the thing that kills me. I think about starting fights, scared that the world will end any minute, my mother getting frequently drunk and then I have to babysit her till she passes out. And yet no one seems to care .... However those who DO care can do nothing about my situation. I dream about killing people. I know I have a mental disease I just have yet to have it diagnosed. I'm afraid my family thinks I'm psycho and that I'm just a hormonal teenager, but we all know it's not normal for a 14 yr old to try to build a bomb for personal enjoyment. I know I've just been jumping all over the place but it's hard to explain it all without questions. I also know that people will think I'm the next Columbine massacre or the Vietnamese kid from Virginia Tech. But I can assure you, I would only kill the guilty. I wasn't always this way. But she doesn't even care about me anymore. She threw me away. My "elders" threw me away. Society threw me away. I wouldn't be surprised if God threw me away. All I really want I guess is to have these words spoken and someone understands. Not throw me in the loony bin and get me brain-washed by medication. I want to talk Lydia (my ex who I still love till the day I die) and tell her face to face how much she means to me. I know like I said before this may be confusing and messed up but I am more than willing to go into detail if you need. I just need someone to understand .... To at least PRETEND they're listening. And how I pray she reads this too. Please leave as many comments and questions as possible. Thank you for reading.
beatles1964 beatles1964
18-21
May 24, 2012