Why Am I Alone?

Well, first, I'll just start by saying, that I feel awful all the time, and I don't like it. I feel awful because I'm a bisexual guy, and i can't be with the person I like because of gender issues (some people may tell me to move on, but I can't seem to let go of him for some reason). Another thing is that I feel like an outcast, and it just hurts to much. Sometimes I cry to myself, and sometimes i just wander the halls at school by myself during lunch (hanging out with my friends seems awkward now that we just started high school for some reason, idk why...) I'm always hurting, because I think so poorly of myself, and I think i'm a loser. Anyone I like doesn't like me back, because to them, all they'll ever see in me is just a friend. I know I have a long way to go before i find someone, but I'm so sick of waiting, because i always sit outside in the courtyard where all the couples sometimes are holding hands, and i just want to scream... it's all got me thinking, if i can't find anyone right now, what the hell makes me think there'll be someone when I get older? I know there's hope for everything, but all my friends have someone, and it makes me feel like crap when i'm around them. so this guy i like, he's a grade above me, and i told him how i felt like two months ago, and he was fine with it, but he didn't exactly say whether or not he liked me back, but he is straight, so i didn't expect him to. And i've been trying to forget about my feelings since then, but they only seem to be getting stronger. I don't want to say I'm in love, because i dont know what it feels like, and i can't be sure. All i know, is i want him to hold me and make me feel happy and brighten up my day every time he smiles and looks into my eyes, but it's never going to happen, and it makes me mad. everyone else gets their almost amazing love story except me, i dont think its fair. I read "Fifty Shades of Gray" or finished reading it if you will, and i can easily fit myself comfy into Ana Steele's shoes (minus all the sex and nasty stuff), i'm just someone looking for love, and i think i found it, but he obviously cannot give me what i want, even though he is capable of it. That realization made me cry a little, because i don't want to think of myself like that; a lonely girl holding onto a love life that's just full of disappointment and pain and tears. But the thing is, that's exactly what i have right now... I always want to cry, i dont know why, but it just feels right. I want all my emotions to go away, I just want to start fresh, but i know i'll end up messing up again, so whats the point. Now for the part about all my friends... it feels somehow like i annoy them, because i'm always bubbly, and i know they are to, but it seems like sometime i get a little out of hand. it got to the point where i just went crazy on my friends bf, and was all hitting on him... I was out of line, and it feels like that every day. every time i open my mouth, something nasty comes out, and i want it to stop, but it wont, and i cant make it... I always make fun of people (of course i'm joking) but then i feel bad, and i just feel like the meanest person on the earth because i never knew that i am capable to talk to my FRIENDS that way. But like I said, i'm just an ugly loser. I was weird in elementary school, i was a douchebag geekazoid in middle school, and now in high school i'm just a mean, bitchy, ugly, little boy that is to scared to voice his feelings to his own parents, and can't apologize for ****. See, there I go with the self degrading, but the more and more i tell myself these things, the more i begin to realize that i'm right, that all those things are true.  
Someone, please just tell me what to do, because I'm just to lost to go it alone...
joeybro1275682 joeybro1275682
13-15, M
1 Response Dec 7, 2012

Hi im....well let me start off in saying I lived your life about 4 months ago...this guy was amazing he was my everything....all i can say is if you are bisexual try to see yourself more with a girl....after a whole lot of lonely nights and me crying myself to bed i decided to do just that...no i am in love with my best friend and its amazing of course she doesn't know yet but hey what the hell im happy. KEEP YOUR HEAD UP!!!