Need To Vent A Long Story W/o My Character Being Judged.

First off, I cut. I do not need sympathy and I do not need help. I simply enjoy the feel of the blade and the sight of my flowing blood. I like feeling pain, but I'm not suicidal so don't tell me that I need help. The cutting has led me to another problem. (On a side note, I'm a lesbian and an otaku) I still have fairly strong feelings for my ex but after two years, she finally decided that she was ashamed of dating (and sleeping with) another girl, so as sad as that made me, I broke up with her and she promptly ignored any texts I sent her after that. Now I have a new gf who says she loves me and she understood (when I agreed to date her) that I was (am) trying to get over my ex. Now here is where my real problem starts. I am getting into the world of BDSM because of my cutting and by rational thought, am completely submissive in the realm of BDSM. However, my gf said that she isn't dominant at all. Right there is one problem. I would be OK with living my life with her, but I wouldn't be HAPPY with her. I know I should break up with her soon now that I know after trying that I won't be happy with her in the end, but I'm afraid of making her cry. Yet I know mentally that the longer I wait, the more it'll hurt her. After I start the chase for my own happiness in the world of BDSM, I would have no clue where to start. I wonder if I'll even find a good Master. I want someone who can train me to be a good slave, but also have a completely normal, romantic relationship with me as well. I wish I knew of any munches here in Arizona so that I could learn more about BDSM. I could really use some info on munches or online BDSM communities.

Is the future partner I'm looking for even real?
An Ep User An EP User
Jan 12, 2013