Whats My Problem?

Okay I have a mental problem with myself and I just cant seem to understand why I act the way I do and I think the way I've been thinking. and I have alot to say so I'm going to put it into these sections...

Me: I'm 17 years old, senior in high school. I'm incredibally lazy and its been like that since the past 5 years ever since I started my 8th grade year of school. Im a 5'9 naturally talented guy with a VERY muscular frame I mean I sit around and not do **** for weeks and I still look like ive been in the gym everyday which is probably the only good thing I can say for myself. Daily I play videogames heavy for mostly 12 hours straight or until I gotta get ready for school just to come home and start playing again. I wear glasses/contacts and I have no self esteem for myself as sometimes when I look in the mirror I'll just repeat in my head "Your ugly" or "You're not ****" or "I hate myself" because I look older than most people in my grade cause I was the first to grow a large amount of facial hair and chest hair and some people say "You look like your 30 years old" which I pretend I really dont give a **** about. I just cant figure out whats wrong with me

Girls: I've never been so lucky with this one... I mean im not a unattractive guy but I just have no common sense whats so ever to even be serious or to arouse a girl of my certain taste. I am a desparate guy but I will not **** with no ugly girl or no girl thats just gonna make me feel worst about myself, I get compliments but I just dont ever know what to do or say to have a female take me serious and really get to know one espically the type of girls I like. When I was a junior, I dated a senior girl that was ugly as **** but I was just too desparate to even care if I wanted to get to know the girl or not and I had sex and **** with her but thats all our relationship really was and then I found out she cheated on me and I rampaged in school like a dumbass on her when I really dont even care now. She was the only girl ive ever dated and it was outta desparateness and that seem to take away alot of my self esteem around my friends and others because my family and everyone knew about the stuff I did and its just a bunch of nonsense. Now that im a senior I feel like I couldnt talk to ANY girl because in my head im such a huge piece of **** and theres nothing that can change that.

Family: Around my area my family is well known for plenty of things and most people in my family are successful, I have a brother thats 4 years older than me and he is about to graduate college and he lived the same way I lived with my mother and hes turning out fine and was very popular at my school an he has pictures almost everywhere at my school. Me and him have no close relationship at all and I believe its because we're so different. He's hard working and im not he had like 7 jobs at my age and I've never had 1 and I cant even get a drivers license.. Me and my mother argue alot because she feels as if im a be dependent on her when I get outta school because I have no plans for my future and I really don't know what I can or want to do in life. I had suicidal thoughts and I warned my family about it and they've tried to get myself help but im too lazy and careless to even give that a shot because I dont think any person can understand what goes on in my head. My mom calls me retarded sometimes and as i know its not true I just live like I am actually mentally retarded.

What I think caused this: Before 8th grade I was always a straight A student and kinda a trouble maker but I was just having fun and most people that know me remember me as that kid and I cant grow up from that. in the middle of my 7th grade year I tried marijuana for the first time of my life and when I was high I tend to just act like a complete fool and ever since that day my grades have dropped and I've lost all common sense and I get made fun of for it and it makes me feel just completely retarded. I dunno if im addicted to the drug as I don't go looking to buy it but if someone around me has it I just tend to smoke it. I hid this from my mom until my junior year and it brought her to tears to find out but now as she notices my careless mode about my life she just tends to do her own and warns me that when I graduate she wont take care of me like a little kid.

I had a hobby which was football, which im really good at it im a RB and a Linebacker but I couldnt ever get the grades to play because I just sleep in all my classes and now im paying the price for it all this year. I still tell myself to this day that I hate myself and I just cant understand why im the way I am and I feel unique but no in a good way as im a outsider in my own community. The way im feeling so lonely in my mind im telling myself I shouldnt be this lonely but I cant do anything about it because im just an unserious guy and I just sometiems wish I was born another person or something better. Help me please
Dmillz Dmillz
22-25, M
Sep 19, 2013