Feeling Lost

I'm 23 years old and to this day, I can't express my emotions or problems to people.  I believe this comes from my Dad being an extremely cold human being and my Mom being the stereotypical soccer mom who is more concerned about what tv programs her kids are watching rather than what is actually going on in her kids lives.  I've bottled up my emotions my entire life, I've always been afraid to be myself except around people I know extremely well, I've ruined relationships both with girlfriends and friends because I never communicate when it comes to problems.  I'm normally a very happy go lucky individual and I love being that person. But lately, as I've bottled up more and more things, I've become someone who resembles my father and I can't stand it. I've become cold and short with people I love, I have alienated certain people, I have no desire to talk to my parents at all.  I know this hurts my mom because I don't get to see her a lot and shes told me on more than one occasion about how she misses the old me.  This hurts me hearing my mom tell me that. I don't know what to do. I don't feel comfortable just opening up to my mom or any of my friends really.  I feel like I don't have anyone to talk to.  I've felt that way my whole life.

bosoxcory34 bosoxcory34
22-25
3 Responses Mar 24, 2009

I don't know what point the guy is trying to make with "it gets worse with age" but I don't agree. Time can be a very good thing and even 32 is still quite young. I'm young as well and feel like your life resembles mine a whole lot. I shut down completely for so many years and it has caused a lot of destructive things in my life. But honestly, even though I feel like I might be behind other people, I do believe that I am happier today than I was four years ago and was happier four years before that too. Life is a journey and it's been painful reassimilating my feelings back into my life but I am trying and that's what matters the most. I've been such a jerk our of fear of talking to people but now I realize that I have to try my best and be nice and real to people and even if it doesn't work out I want to have at least tried in life and say that I gave it a good effort. Also, I don't know if you've ever been in love but I was briefly and I remember thinking "Man why should I care about anything else in life when she gives me such good feelings and is what's important to me." It's amazing how one little event in your life can change your entire outlook and I think it's just to forget about people's pettiness and meanness and focus on what you want in life. That's where self-esteem comes from and you have to give life your best effort and if you still fail then you keep on trying until you make it. Same with your dreams, just keep trying and do your best. No one can ask for anything more. I think you'll be okay and the same goes for me. They say that the age when people are happiest in their lives on average is 33 so I want to give it until at least that long before I throw in the towel and focus on doom and despair. So what if these events in your past didn't go well? Make a change, try your best, and try again. Get involved in life and do what you can. I think self-compassion is so important and you just need to focus on your goals and make sure that you follow your own values and conscience and someday you'll realize that "no one can ever really hurt you and no one can ever really help you." That's so true. It's shocking at first but on a fundamental level it's all up to us.

I totally understand where your comming from, same situation with my parents and i think i get it from my father as well. it seems the more you keep it bottled up the worse life gets. Im afraid to open up because when ever i did they used it against me, like a person who i cared about such as a sister, i told her private things and i dont like to show emtion but i did with her and she threw it back in my face. it also happen with friends as well, intill i got to the point i am now, i keept it all bottled up inside me, and it very bad. i never felt so horriable in my life. i wish i could break through it too. so other then your father being this way why do you keep it in?

I hear ya and totally understand. I'm 32, take it from me it gets worse with age. I've been feeling better after sharing some stuff here. Hooray for E.P.