Its Like a Mental Barrier of Some Sort...
i can't talk to people about my feelings at all, not even those i consider my closest friends. i hold in every negative emotion i feel, be it sadness, depression, anger, embarassment, etc and cover it with a laughing, smiling outside. if the feeling is too strong, i try to go somewhere where i can be alone and unbothered and cry, do whatever i need to get the feeling under control. this doesn't happen often though. it comes so naturally to me now, that its difficult to even feel when people are around, and it tends to catch up to me once im alone. and right when i feel like i might express myself, i either get cold feet after thinking of many reasons why i shouldnt do it or am suddenly at a loss for words and just cannot speak or feel.
i can only think of two reasons why im so apprehensive. one is that i dont want to burden people. my closest friend has depression (she's in therapy, takes meds, has been in a mental hospital and stuff), and i could never in good conscious bother her with my issues while shes struggling so much with her own. its similar with other friends, they have a lot going on in their lives and its really hard for me to give them an extra burden and stress them further. it is a burden, i know from experience how much it hurts to know your friend is suffering, especially when you can't help them. i don't want anyone i love to feel that pain.
the other is that i want everyone to see me as invincible (that is really the best word). this is quite cliche, but certain emotions seem like vulnerabilities and weaknesses to me. i want everyone to think of me as strong, stable, not easy to affect emotionally (as in if someone tried to make fun of me or insult me i would not be hurt, but just laugh it off and not care), confident, nice, sort of an ideal person. at least my view of one. i want people to admire me and feel they can trust me with their own problems. i know im not at all that person, but yet im compelled to try to be. if i cry in public or get unreasonably angry (which to me is always) i feel like i look vulnerable and have somehow broken this perfect view of me. and god forbid i talk about my personal problems and feelings, those are vulnerabilities by default.
its all really silly, but its like a barrier i cant seem to climb over. i try to think of someone i could trust enough to confide in, but i don't trust ANYONE enough. i do not feel close to anyone but one, and as i said she has her issues and is not an option. i am left alone with my pain and its killing me.