I Can't Trust My Wife...She has been too critical.
My dissociation was set up to defuse the rage pain, and fear I felt when my parents were abusing me verbally, because to show emotions, especially anger, was generally to escalate the abuse. If I "backtalked," I could have gotten hit.
I think my dad killing me back then on accident was a reasonable fear.
So...yeah, there was a time in my life when standing up for myself could have gotten me hurt or killed.
And it takes someone I care about criticizing me to trigger it.
While she was criticizing things I went into that old hypnotic state.
Which meant I wasn't there to hear her. But it also, paradoxically, meant I accepted that because she was criticizing my work, that I was always going to be beneath her standards and I should stop trying. Somewhere in there I was angry, somewhere I was hurt, but it wasn't connected to what she said. And it was all my fault anyway.
So I went, cut myself up, and then would sleep for 12 hours or something. And no, I just figured it really was entirely my fault. Because everything is my fault. That's what I subconsciously believe.
I think whatever goes wrong is an indication that I'm bad, I'm evil, things just go wrong around me.
My wife has dropped things and I apologized.
This has happened multiple times.
So after ten years...I finally snapped to...and realized that she'd been reinforcing my belief that I can't do anything right...and ought to give up. I realized I had given up.
So I promptly overreacted. I thought and still think in some paranoid corner of my head that she was doing this to control me.
She's not acting like it...a person who was doing this to control me would not be very apologetic, they'd be making excuses.
She's NOT making excuses. She's apologized repeatedly.
Part of me believes she was doing it on purpose, though, even though she's acting what the complete opposite of a sly manipulator would act like.
She's very hurt that I think she'd do this to me on purpose.
I'm very hurt too, because I hate myself, and she was fueling that.
The thing is, she was telling me what I was doing wrong to try and help me get better at doing things.
The idea of "getting better," at anything I do, is still a foreign concept.
I was expected to do it perfect the first time, and if I didn't I got "What is WRONG with you?!?!"
Nothing I ever do is good enough. It might be acceptable, maybe, sort of. But I can never believe I will do anything worthwhile. I really can't.
When my dad sexually used me...and kept doing it... he taught that those who love me will destroy me.
This is what I really believe.
This is my operating heuristic.
So I've been expecting her to turn on me, and I thought : "AHA! here it is! she's been denigrating what I do around the house so she can ruin my self-confidence and keep me under her thumb!"
Yeah, that is really what I thought.
Umm...not so much.
It's probably the same part that has always, always, ALWAYS wanted her gone.
Because she's too close, she means too much, she can destroy me.
Just like my mom and dad destroyed me.
I would be a hermit, but I go very painfully insane without people.
Not that I'm particularly sane with them. Or happy.
But I don't have constant images of me doing horrible things to people and animals. Or feel pain in my chest every day from loneliness. Or stop being able to talk, or spend all my spare time in bed.
But they terrify me, the people I love. I want to get close to them, I am still very lonely.
But when I try the fear takes over, and I run away again. I KNOW they will hurt me terribly.
When it happens I may get outraged but I always expect it.
That is my version of trust...balancing between love and terror.
My wife tells me that's not trust.
All I know is I have succeeded in getting closer to her than anyone in my adult life. I see no supporting evidence to say she's lying when she says she never meant to hurt me.
I am still terrified of her. I am still very lonely. I am still afraid of everyone I care about.
This is miserable.
hylierandom 41-45 6 Responses 2 Mar 1, 2012