HurtMy parents are nice and understanding. They say they enjoyed having me around when I head back home, but that hurts me. I don t trust them, and their behaviour now is confusing. Maybe they like the young adult me better than the kid I used to be.
I feel a sense of betrayal in all this, they accept me now, but why couldn t they handle me back then, I ve never caused any trouble I used to be calm, I used to be submissive.
It hurts me to see they act like there is nothing wrong with the way they behaved. I haven t been beaten, but just the way they treated me like I wasn t there, I felt guilty my stepfather had to pay the bills for me, he always had this obsession with rules, norms, everytime I made a mistake I d pe pointed to it like a dog pointed to the spot he peed on. Generally he felt he needed to show me he was superior, or at least, it seemed that way.
Now he s sick, he s skin and bones, the man he used to be is still showing sometimes, but, he s not as powerfull. It painfull to see him like this, though I don t miss the intimidating man he was at all.
My mom was just as absent, maybe also due to my stepdad, who kind of took over control.
I was one of a kind, and not really accepted, rationally accepted, not emotionally.
They treat me better because they see me as this person with mental issues, and I am more open about these isues then I used to be, but still.
It took a whole lot of fights, a whole lot of **** to get here, only to find that they have no idea nor the intention of looking at what they did wrong.
As I said, I haven t been phisically abused, nor purposely emotionaly abused.
It s just that we never really were a family, as I once hoped we would be. I used to be jealous of the kids on tv that went to their parents bedroom and jumped in their bed if they had a nightmare, I never got to do that, probably many others didn t either, but still.
I feel very guilty about the way I feel twoard them, even though they tell me I don t have to come if I don t feel like it.
But this self loathing has got to stop sometime, so I will go now