What's Wrong With Me?

Hi there my name is sandy, I'm 44, and a single mother. It seems as though I've always been looking for love, especially in all the wrong places. Three children with three different men. I've dealt with a lot of substance abuse with these men in which I never married.One man in particular, my youngest father I have known him the longest. It started crazy, but I had about immediate attraction to him, he is fifteen years older than me. I met him when I was 29. In the beginning there was unhealthyness, lots of drug and alcohol, fights, breakups, makeups, and good sex. This went on for about three. Years. Then one day he decided that he was going to get help, because now there's a child involved. So I decided to join him through the journey.First he tried recovery, while I didn't, then I did and he did not. After three years of this we both wound up sober together. So now that we were sober we were trying again to pull the family together. It seemed as though his thinking was only black or white, his program was better, I wasn't doing this right that right, real finickyabout everything,moody, and became finatically religious.I felt all of me was expected to conform to all of his beliefs. I couldn't do it I was miserable.We didn't seek counsel, we were drifting apart. At that point I decided to tr;y and finda bigger place for us,thinking that would help, but he didn't. He wound up getting a place on his own, so once again I'mthere and he's there. So that went on for awhile, we were seeing each other but not close at all, then that Christmas came,and he told me he was seeing someone else, I was crushed, I did what I could to convince him to stay with me, hewoulnt listen.So six months later he married the woman, wound up taking our daughter from me, because he was so much healthierthan me. Anyways through a sequence of events five years had passed with very little contact with him. ne day,come to find out that him and his wife split up,this was two years ago. He was with our daughter living on there own(I had little contact with her as well) he needed a babysitter for our daughter.Well I asked him if I could do it? So that started our reunification.One thing lead to another, we started seeing each other again, but there were hoops for me to jump through again.I was more than happy because I've been so stuck for so long . As I'm doing what I need to do, he kept telling me that were moving to fast quit putting the horse before the cart, I wasn't healthy enough, but there's always a chance for us. So this goes on and on and he keeps giving me crumbs of hope for us. In the mean time I'm feeling very unsettled all the time. I was smokingand eating more. He was always telling me, or letting me know how I was or wasn't doing. Always nagging about something. Tall in this time he also was losing his house through the divorce, plus he had been taking prescription meds,so his own behaviour is totally off the hook, mentally, verbally abusive to me and our daughter.So our daughter and I we were kind of not wanting to be around him. Then a few events took place that he wasn't happy about me with(control issues)he decided that once again I wasn't making him happy. The minute he broke up with me he was already seeing a newgirl, come to find out he's known her for awhile.You see I feel that I was trying to comply with what would make him happy, I also feel that he strung me along long enough til someone came along to save him, because you see he's an apportunist, and needs someone to support him in all his business ideas he likes money. I didn'tencourage him enough.I didn't know how with all of his negativity. Just like that!Its only been three months, but he's been conversating with the other woman two months earlier. This time I'm worse than ever,because as I'm getting older and wiser plus a 13year old involved. I felt we had a real chance to get it right. I mean there help for couples in trouble something we've never tried. I'm seriously devistated. I am sober now for a year, have done my steps, living a functioning life,but I just can't get over it.
myloveruns myloveruns
41-45
May 25, 2012