My....little MotherShe's very old and quite goofy now, and, we were never really close, we were truly two different types of women, we could NOT have been more different, and, we could not have looked more alike.
I think she plays with me. I think she enjoys it. She played with my father the same way. I've often thought that the fighting between them probably killed him early. I don't know. I wonder, do I enjoy blaming her? How childish, his organs shutting down in 2000 couldn't have been ALL her fault, could it?
I wash her clothes, I cook her meals, I take her to doctor appointments, I paint her nails, I do her hair. I scream so that she can hear me. I paid her bills until my niece took pity on me recently and took that duty over. I have to find people to help her when I cannot, do I want to do these things, NO!
I never remember feeling "happy" to be with her, she was quite a private woman, even with her children. Sometimes, I want to leave town, leave my own precious husband and beloved children and adored baby Grandson just so I won't have to do these things for her everyday of my life.
I remember hurtful, cold things that she said to me when I needed her most, things that cut to the bone and were intended to do so. I wonder if back then she realized that I would be the child that would bare the brunt of her elder care, I was the baby by a decade, I wonder if she ever thought she would get old and helpless?
I have always "handled" the really hard things in my family, this is just another one.
I used to judge people that didn't want to care for their elderly parents. I used to think how awful and ungrateful they were. I never once considered their reasons.
I am working through this day by day. She gets more confused when she is combative, so, I try to be gracious, I often fail.
My brother and sister are more distant than I, so, she is my baby alone to rock. So, I'm rocking her, I don't have to like it, do I?
Of course I love her, I am the spitting image of her, it would be unnatural to NOT feel empathy and sadness at her decline.
I've had much sadness in my life, but, my feelings toward my little Mother are perhaps the saddest of the lot. Because, on many levels, I still seek her approval and her love and I still feel her walls rising up against my need.
I want someone to save me from her, but, no one ever could, no one ever will.