A Few Things to Ponder Re: This Topic

I believe that my/our generation has lost a very important element of social fabric. I say fabric as there is a weave involved in fabric, the tighter the weave, the stronger the fabric. I believe we have lost stength in our weave. Across our nation we have families so busy working to get ahead and improve our standard of living that it leaves little time to keep our parents. Many treat their pets better than their parents.

About me. My mother died of cancer when I was 7 yrs. old and my stepmother died of complications caused by sugar diabetes when I was 25. My father died of a heart attack when I was 40. He was very independant firmly rooted in his own home, city etc. and at 73 and was still working when he died. Prior to that when he was having some medical problems, my sister and I both invited him to come live with us but he would not, nor did he want any financial help. So I'll never know how it might have been if he would have accepted our love in that way.

Another comment is that I had the opportunity to work in Japan in 1987 and 1988. A month there, a month back in the states, back and forth. So I was able to see much of their way of life and one way was for multiple generations to all live in the same home all caring for one another untill death. This was beautifull and we see some of that in here in the states. I believe the Hispanic culture is much the same. So I think you know what my beliefs are. Yes untill death do us part, in sickness, and in health, for richer or poorer, in good time and in tough times, etc.

I think parents do more for their children than children do for their parents as they let their children continue living at home well into maybe even middle age. Loving and continuing to give, give, give.

Well, enough .... I hope this commentary is not to long.

francis28340 francis28340
61-65, M
20 Responses May 7, 2008

May god bless you and your family.

yes ur absolutely right!!!

I just had to respond to this topic. First, it sounds as if the writer of this post as well as many of the respondents have had happy, loving parents. When raised with love and kindness, it must make it easier to deal with elderly parents, even if they are slipping into dementia. At least one can remember what they were like. However, not everyone has had that experience. I was raised in a very disfunctional home with physical and emotional abuse as well as a mother who was a functional alcoholic. My father passed away 10 years ago but has never had a funeral or a memorial service because my mother just doesn't want to deal with it. Now she lives with me and she is selfish, dishonest, and petty. She picks fights with my children, refuses to help them or me around the house, lays in bed most of the day, and let's me know in a hundred ways everyday that she really doesn't want to be part of this family. However, my brother and sister live very far away and they refuse to help out in any way. I am a single mom with two children and I am the one who takes her to the hospital when she is sick. I am the one who takes her to all of her doctor appointments, her physical therapy appointments, and the one to tend to her when she isn't feeling well. I sit by her bed in the hospital making all the decisions when it comes to her healthcare only to be grilled by my siblings and dismissed by my mother. I have given up so much for her because that's what family is supposed to do, but dammit don't ask me to be happy about it and don't ask me to be all lovey-dovey. I am mad as hell that I am in this situation and even madder that my children are having to relive the same psycho craziness I endured as a child. So please, when addressing this topic, keep in mind that there are some really screwed up families out there and it is unfair and unrealistic to ask damaged adult children to take care of abusive, thankless, and just plain mean parents. It's enough to ruin a life.
Thanks for allowing me to vent......

u would b correct in ur assesment. although ik of a few cases that have been worse than urs. i dont remember the show i watched but ill tell u the story in private if u need me to. ill tell u this much tho. tbe poor kid wouldnt b allowed to go outside the closet he was locked up in. thats only the tip of the iceberg:,(

thanks for helping. you're doing the right thing even though it's hard. It's extra hard because you weren't rated right either, but super kudos to you for having the personal strength of character to change the cycle. Your mom likely wasn't good to your grandmother when she was elderly. You are proving your mother's actions wrong with your sacrifices, and your mothers acceptance and even demands.
do it for you, you're the better for it. that's what I'm hoping anyway - I'm embarking on a loosely related journey.

you make a good point -- it would be good for parents to learn how to receive love, too ... in this culture, we are less trained to receive in an unselfish manner than we are to give.

Your commentary was not too long at all and sadly it is all too often true.<br />
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I was blessed with the opportunity to take care of my parents when they were no longer physically able to care for themselves. No it was not always easy but every day that I got to spend with them was a blessing. Even the days when mom was in so much pain that nothing I said or did was right. I knew that she didn't really mean some of the things she sometimes said to me but that it was just the pain talking.<br />
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I cared for both my parents for quite a few years until they both passed away several years ago within several months of each other. I don't regret even one second of the time it took to care for them or any of the work involved with having them in my home.<br />
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I had been blessed with kind, generous and loving parents and had always been close to them but during the time they lived with me and I took care of them we became even closer, If only more people could realize that while it may be a lot of work to care for elderly and or sick parents there are also a lot of joys involved everyone would be better off. I worked in a nursing home for several years when I was in high school and saw how many elderly parents were put there and then pretty much forgotten. And they often were not treated all that well by some of the staff in the homes too. I vowed then that as long as I was alive neither of my parents would ever go into a nursing home and I am happy to say I was able to keep that vow. Then years later I was able to help care for an elderly aunt and uncle. They were able to stay in their own home but needed more care than they were able to provide for themselves. I went to their house every day and helped out with house cleaning, cooking, shopping and Dr. appointments and sometimes just sitting with my aunt who tended to wander if she was left alone for more than a few minutes at a time. Sometimes I would even stay there for several days at a time and again I feel that I was blessed with the time I got to spend with them the last years of their lives.<br />
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At present I am not caring for any family but if the need arises for help I will be the first one in line to provide the help. I don't ever want to see anyone that I care about have to spend the end of their lives in a nursing home. I am also confident that my adult children feel the same way about me and if the day ever comes that I can't take care of myself will be there for me

u almost made me cry with ur beautiful story thanks for sharing :)

francis28340: here are some additional articles for you to review and please let me know what you think! I agree that people must take responsibility for their aging family members, however, professional care may be the best option due to their current state of health.<br />
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elderly care NJ Click resources on the bottom of the page. <br />
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francis28340: here are some additional articles for you to review and please let me know what you think! I agree that people must take responsibility for their aging family members, however, professional care may be the best option due to their current state of health.<br />
http://www.hamiltonpark.com/founders-message<br />
Click resources on the bottom of the page. <br />
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I took care of my Dad until he past away--he had Alzhiemers. I now take care of my Mum full time. Yes I gave up a lot--home, job, and all the other stuff but I felt that this was the most important thing I would ever do. I have no regrets. I can look my self in the mirror and know I was was with my father to the bitter end, I want to be there for my mother all the way up as well. I will have a lot on my plate when it will be just be me but one thing I won't have is guilt or bitterness and those alone can either ruin you or kill you. Hopefully I will find some work and a home, I'm not worried right now, I treasure each day I have my mother how many are left I don't know. My parents gave all for us kids, it would be grossly selfish if I could not give back as well. I was able to do so--not married--so I could devote my energies to them. If nothing elese in life, I will have the feeling and knowledge that I was there for them in their need, and that makes me feel very good. Isn't that what caring and love and respect are all about?

The "Tightly woven fabric" theory is an excellent choice of presentation for describing the strength of family. This is worthy of praise to our younger and mid aged public, as most older people already have learned this lesson, the hard way.<br />
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However, I have always looked at good things, from the bad side also. After all, one can not know the good of things without understanding the bad side of the theory. In other words; To test for the good, we must also test for the bad, to get the full picture of our "Fabric".<br />
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A fabric which is woven tightly, not only holds things inside, but outside, as well. Fabrics can be woven so tightly that they filter out the good, as well. They can also filter out the possibility of sending through it, the bad which is not desirable, inside.<br />
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Wearing a tightly woven shirt prevents air circulation from enabling one to keep his body cool from evaporation of that air flow. Like filtering Gasoline from Water! We just need to determine which is good and which is bad before we save the contents which doesn't pass through, or which does pass through.<br />
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There is a balance in the weave we draw through the loom. We do so because to goodness and bad of people are not always determined in the womb. Therefore, we must not set the Loom so tightly, we fail to correct the outcome of the woven results.<br />
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There, you see how well a parable can explain our prophecy of thought.

Dear Francis, in a certain way, how you expressed yourself made me wanting to react to you. When I was a child, I already loved the elder generation. There is something about them, life experience that makes them 'poised', wise and extremely useful for the whole of the human society. It is not very easy to put down in words, however as children bring joy, the middle la<x>yer people bring activity, the elder bring harmony and balance, and all together we are a fine bunch of aliveness. <br />
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I can share with you that I have this dream : it looks like ideal for me : I dream of the restoration of elders into their true quality of wisdom, what they embody, their life experiences to share and especially their balance. I believe that elders earn that place. They are the central place around the fire, where they are listened to with respect and awe. <br />
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So maybe, in all respect to you and in all tenderness that I can provide in the message, I believe that the strength of the elder is to be found only IN the elder, the wish to mean something, the wish to have a place of honor, the strength of the heart, and the wish to share what they share and also to be loved and honored for who they are by the rest of humanity. We all want to be loved and heard, this has not so much to do with age at all. It is in the heart, it is in the heart.<br />
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As everyone knows, one is listened to when he/she has something to say that adds, that makes the whole better, that supports the betterment, that builds and ultimately that brings joy and a smile on the face of the readers or listeners. It would be great if you could share your stories and wisdom, maybe seek out other elders, you will find maybe the first support there, and show the young people that you are that brilliant diamond that the world cannot live without. <br />
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There is this beautiful example of elders, they are standing for valor, and they are examples of what can be done by everyone on this planet, that is my strong belief : if you wish, please seek out www.theelders.org. What brilliance, what wisdom, what grandness of human wisdom they are !!!<br />
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With an open heart to yours.<br />

Yes I think children that have not left home that have finished school should get a job to help contribute to the house hold. <br />
Then when a parent is not able to work the children should do their part to help if the parents will allow it, my parents don't want much help, in the winter they will<br />
send us for a loaf of bread or a jug of milk. They have been married over60 years and still able to live at home. They look after each other. <br />
I use to work for an in home healthcare co. and it was great, with medicare they can get someone to come in to help with personal care or clean their home (or the inhome health co. will pay a family member through medicare) And then they can have a nurse come to help set up meds , change dressings, take blood pressure and do catheters. I'm all for keeping elderly or disabled at home as long as they can because rest homes and assisted living homes , like every where they are overworked, understaffed, and under payed, that is a bad combination. <br />
My aunt that was in the rest home got the flu and was not properly take care of soon enough and she aspirated and was take to the hospital and died in ICU.

You are right,i didnt have such good parents but we live in this materialistic world now where people just dont seem to stop and think.....

I love this article.This is really informative for me...<br />
Elenora<br />
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It is very true that young members of the family,are alway's busy doing something, if its not work then it is their social life. I am now disabled and should i ask for a little help it is always (wenether) wenether never comes. I get the same response when i remind them ,so have given up.If they see me doing something they say you should have asked and i would have done it. i say sorry wenether is to long to wait. So we have definately lost the family threads.Years ago there was nothing to do as there is now,so it was all family. I do wonder if in our younger day's if there was a lot going on,would we as youngsters have been like the young today.Like many of my generation i am bank, taxi,I was going to say advisor but young people know every thing so they think.

Its really very true that loving our family is loving to Lord. And he always watches us. Elderly care is really very important as at this stage they need our love, affection and care. That;s why care homes are established to help such who don;t have there own home and no body is there to care them.<br />
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this is good. god will bless you!

Maggie 1 2 3, I agree. Love starts with loving the Lord then to loving our family and when we do this Our Lord gives us an abounding love that goes way beyond even to loving our enemies ... yes the world would tske care of itself with the Love that our Lord gives us ... to feed the hungry, to clothe the naked, to give water to the thirsty, to give shelter to those who have no shelter, to visit the sick and those in prison ... Blessed are the Pure of Heart for theirs shall be the Kingdom of Heaven.<br />
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If everybody cared about their own family members, no matter what age-the world would take care of itself.

I feel myself moving closer to you TenderEyesPrincess

not at all long...its actually very helpful to finally see that point of view =] and i sadly have to agree w/u.<br />
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but i mean what can be done about it??...