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18 With An 80 Year Old Father

I'm my dads oldest child, when I was younger I never got along with him, I would purposely try to hurt him and tell him I hate him and I hope he dies. I moved into an apartment last year with my boyfriend and my relationship with my father has been really good since then, I started feeling really bad about being so mean to him, I started realizing how much he loved me, and that I loved him. Then he had a stroke. It was like an atom bomb went off in my head. I realized suddenly that he could die at any time. I take him to his appointments and surgeries, and at almost every one I cry because I'm just so worried. I am sick with worry, especially since I don't live with him anymore and my 14 year old sister is the only one who lives with him. I sometimes just look at him and start crying. I feel bad about crying like that in front of him, because he knows it's because I worry about him and I don't want him to feel like it's his fault, but I can't help it. I just got back from one of his surgeries this morning and I can't stop crying. I don't know what I should do or what I should say to him. I do try to spend as much time with him as I can, but sometimes it just hurts so bad, it's awful. I think about him not getting to see me graduate from college or even when my sister graduates high school...It's so hard to describe how bad it feels. And whats worse is the fact that all my worry is keeping me from really enjoying being with him, and making sure he's happy. I just don't know what to do.
valleysofneptune valleysofneptune 18-21 Feb 4, 2013

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