The Dream That Became The NightmareChapter One – Dressing Like a Girl
I wasn’t ever forced to be a girl, and as a matter of a fact- secretly I liked dresses and my sisters stuff. I was tiny for my age, the smallest in all of my grades and I always had longer hair. When I was just seven years old, I would sneak into my sister Amy’s room and put on one of her dresses and look through her stuff. I was very careful about putting everything back, exactly as I found it. I don’t know what the fascination was, but it seemed fun to put on a skirt over my shorts and spin and let it fly.
In 3rd grade when I was just nine years old, mom caught me! Instead of being upset at me being in a dress, she told me that I didn’t have permission to touch my sister’s things. I was mortified, but at least she didn’t say anything about me being in a skirt. I immediately put everything away, and nothing was said about it- for a while.
After some time went by, I guess I was about ten years old in the 5th grade, mom pulled me into her room, and pointed to her closet, “there are a few things for you in there.” I opened her closet, and in the back were small dresses that obviously were not for her. I protested, “Why would I want some dumb dresses?” She told me that it didn’t matter, but that I wasn’t allowed to wear my sister’s stuff without asking them first. I acted disgusted, “Whatever mom.” But on the inside of me, I was very excited, I couldn’t wait until I could sneak and try them on. “I just don’t want you touching your sisters’ things without her permission. That is all,” she assured me.
So, every once and a while, when my dad was away with work- I would disappear into my parents room, and slip into every one of those dresses in the back of her closet. For years, it was mine and my mom’s secret. Although I didn’t do it often, it was exciting to know that I could. Sometimes I would just go in there and look at the outfits that were mine, just mine. My hair was getting longer than any boy would wear, but no one said anything, so I kept letting it grow. I loved playing with my hair. I loved combing it out, but it took forever to dry. I didn’t keep my nails long, though. I wasn’t really girly; I just liked some things normally enjoyed by girls.
Then it happened, I got called out. One day when I was in middle school and about twelve years old, Amy said it, “You would make a real pretty girl. I just love your long hair. And you are so cute, too!” She said this in front of my mom and my little sister Kelly too! It was the four of us sitting, and I felt like a spotlight was right on me. I must have turned bright red. Of course I had to just play it off, “No way! Besides, I would make an ugly girl.” That is when mom chimed in, “Let’s find out! Why don’t you let me and your sisters give you a makeover for the day? What do you think girls?” They got all excited and started jumping up and down, smiling and laughing and happy. “Since your dad is gone, this will be our little fun, no one will ever know. You will let us do this to you just once, right?” I could tell by the overwhelming joy that they wanted me to, but I still had to play it off, “OK. I guess, but I doubt it will be any fun.”
Next thing I knew, I was in a dress and tights sitting in a chair in the kitchen while I got curlers put in my hair by Amy and mom was putting makeup on me. Kelly was getting jewelry and accessories. Mom was pushing my face this way and telling me to look that way, while she applied this or that. Within an hour they took the rollers out of my head, and told me to go look in the mirror. I was absolutely stunned at how girly that I looked. My sisters couldn’t stop smiling at me, and mom looked incredibly happy too. I looked just like any girl, and I wasn’t ugly. When I went back in the kitchen mom made the announcement, “We put too much work into this for you to change back right away, so you are going to spend the day with us as a girl! We just need a name for you.”
I was still in shock when my sisters started throwing out names. Kelly wanted me to be called Jane and Amy wanted me to be called Rebecca. Mom put the two together and said I would be Rebecca Jane LaBelle or Becky for short. The girls loved it. Right away, Kelly asked me if I would play Barbie with them, and mom didn’t let me answer- she just demanded, “Ok Rebecca Jane, you girls go play dolls and I will make us something special for lunch.” They dragged me into Kelly’s room and before I knew it, I was playing with my sisters. Looking down at my legs in tights and a short dress over my lap, I was happy. My hair felt funny curled and in a clip too. This was silly, but kind of fun. Dolls were really silly, but my sisters never played like this with me before, it was close and personal. I noticed that Kelly was really happy and I thought that Amy probably had stopped playing dolls with her.
The tights would stretch over my knees and whenever I bent my legs or straightened them- I could feel the tights moving. I pretended to really be into playing Barbie, but what I was enjoying was that my sister’s and I were all wearing dresses together! They were calling me Becky and referring to me as her and she. For this moment, I was actually a sister, a girl, a female, with them. When lunch came, mom gave me instructions throughout the whole meal. She started with how to sit with a dress on by pulling it under your rear when you sit in a chair. It continued with how to eat slowly and deliberately, and how to have extra manners.
After lunch we goofed around for a few hours when mom asked if we should do this again sometime. I had to protest, and pretend not be enjoying it. My sister’s on the other hand were all for it! Amy told me that I was prettier than she even thought I would be. Kelly agreed. Again I had to pretend and replied, “You are all being silly.” Mom said that next time dad was out of town, we could do this again. I just shrugged. The truth is that I was having a blast and thought I was also doing a good job of playing it off like I didn’t care. “Whatever,” I declared.
Chapter Two – Acting Like a Girl
But this is how it all started. When I wasn’t even a teenager yet! Every so often, my dad would leave for a few days and mom would ask me nicely, “Would you like to be Becky today?” Usually I would say no, because I wanted to play cool, like it was a bother. But more and more times, I would say nonchalantly, “Sure, I guess.” Mom started to buy more outfits for me to choose from and stash them in the back of her closet for me. I would get excited just to think of what was in there the next time dad left. For the entire school year, I got to be Becky once and a while, although I usually tried to play it off and only did it occasionally so the girls wouldn’t think I really liked it.
Around spring break mom busted in when I was changing into a dress, and I got embarrassed, “Mom! I am changing!” She reassured me with a smile, “We are all girls here! Anyway, I got you some underwear and a training bra that I would like you to wear. You can’t wear your boy’s underwear under your tights anymore, ok?” I became quite self-conscience, “Do I have to?” She just nodded yes, and put them on the bed for me, with some new tights too! Wow, pink shiny underwear and matching stretchy bra. I put them on and felt even more girly than ever before! I had to look in mom’s vanity mirror. That is me, long hair, bra and panties.
I really felt funny. Instead of just throwing on a dress for fun, I am trying to be especially girly! Up to now, I could say I was just having fun with my sisters. Up until now, I was just going along with them. When I looked into mom’s mirror this time, I could really see a girl. The transformation was amazing. I could not only see a girl, I started to believe I could BE a girl, at least for fun. I quickly picked out the princess dress that I had been avoiding and put on the sparkling pink princess dress. I felt more like a just a girl than I ever had before. I put on the pink tights too, so I was wearing all pink. I can’t believe that I am in pink undies, pink stretchy bra, pink tights and a pink dress. I was head to toe in pink!
I got a weird knot in my stomach and almost changed into something less over the top. But I got up the courage and went out into the living room. The girls all clapped and made me spin around. Amy told me she had some shoes that I could borrow, and Kelly had a purse for me. This was the first time that they were arguing on how to make me more pretty. Mom couldn’t wipe the smile off of her face. She glowed, “I see you like the princess dress! Did you have any problems with the other things?” I just smiled as they all made me comfortable as I went from just having fun in a dress, to trying to take it serious. I was trying really hard now, to just blend in with them, not to be the odd one out.
They put my long hair in pigtails with ribbons that matched my dress. I put the purse over my shoulder and Amy’s shoes with a small heel on. This was the first time that I took myself “serious” as a girl. I practiced walking like a girl, talking like a girl and even motioning with my hands and limp wrists like a girl. I crossed my legs when I sat down. And when I finally had to go pee, I sat on the toilet, just like the girls do. I had to figure out that I have to pick the dress up around my waist and put it into my lap, because they didn’t tell me that. I looked down at my thighs where I had pulled my underwear and tights to, and thought to myself that this is what girls see when they sit and pee- their dress in their laps with undies and tights down your legs.
I did my best that day to really be a girl. With mom calling me sweetie all day, I think I really felt like one too. After supper, mom asked me if I would change into a nightie to sleep in. Amy got me a long pink flowered nightgown that went almost to the floor. She told me that I could just have it. It was difficult, at first, to move around in. My legs would get trapped and I couldn’t take long steps. It had a weird lacey collar but it was really, really soft. Since dad was out of town, this turned into a whole weekend of dresses and Barbies and a slumber party (popcorn and movies.)
After that breakthrough, after school I would just go into mom’s room and dress up if Dad was out of town. I was so comfortable as Rebecca, that I couldn’t wait for a single minute when I knew I could. I was getting all of my mannerisms by copying my sister’s, and worked hard on my bratty voice and breathy high pitched singing. When the school year ended, dad went on an extended business trip for like three weeks. It was my dream that came true! Morning, noon and nightgown! Mom and my sisters would do my hairdo different every single day. Since I had very long hair for a boy, they had a lot to work with. Every day, at least I had a ponytail. I learned to braid their hair too, but I never could do a French braid. I was a girl every day, all day! I played dolls with Kelly, and makeup with Amy. My sisters kept me company and we played together, but we never went outside. I loved when we got up each morning and picked out our clothes, because they would tell me what goes with what. Black and blue clashed, and neon was in back then. They even let me borrow their clothing -sometimes.
Chapter Three – Getting Treated Like a Girl
And then it happened again, I got caught! This time is it was my aunt and two cousins who just dropped by, unannounced (this was before cell phones.) I was playing dolls with my little sister Kelly in the living room, and Amy was watching TV. They all walked right in and started to stare at me when my aunt proclaimed, “Oh my gosh- is that?” Then my cousins stared to stare at me too. I was mortified and ran to my room crying. I am going to be a freshman in the fall, and my cousins just saw me in a dress and playing with dolls. This is the most humiliating thing- ever.
Mom came running after me and while I was sobbing about being embarrassed and how my life was over - she consoled me and told me that it was ok. They were all girls, and girls wouldn’t judge me. Besides, since they already seen me- I might as well wipe my face dry and come out and show them. I didn’t want to, but they had already seen me. It would probably be worse if I tried to pretend that it didn’t just happen. Mom cleaned me up and fixed up my hair and held my hand as she pulled me into the Living room. My sisters had just made up a story while mom and I were in my room. They told my Aunt and Cousins that they played dress-up with me just for fun, and I was nice enough to go along with it. I could hear them from my room. As mom dragged me back into the spotlight I froze.
My older cousin, Michelle, looked me up and down and said, “Rebecca Jane, you do a very good job of being a girl! You are really cute. And that is such a nice dress you are wearing. I like what you did with your hair too!” My hair was curled up and in pigtails. As I lifted up my head, I noticed that no one was disgusted or bothered by the sight of me like this. In fact they were all smiling at me. My aunt said, “It is so nice that you can be big enough to play dress up for your sisters. That is so sweet of you.” Next came all of the compliments, my cousins took turns telling me how great I looked. It took a while for me to stop sniffling and in my breathy girly voice I squeaked out, “Thank you.”
Then, like magic, I wasn’t even important anymore. My aunt started to talk to my mom about family issues and who had health problems and needed help. My mom and aunt went on, just like they always do, as if this isn’t a strange moment. My cousins started asking my sisters about their summer plans. I kept thinking to myself that this should be a bigger deal and it is not. I kept thinking that I should be ashamed or embarrassed by them or something involving guilt. Nothing.
My younger cousin asked my mom if all of us girls could spend the weekend at their house, and mom agreed without even asking me. Looking right at me she said, “Girls, why don’t you pack some clothes up and go have fun with your Aunt for the weekend.” My sisters went running, and I slowly walked into mom’s room. I can’t believe this! I am going to have to be a girl in front of my cousins too! I got a bag and started packing up a few of the dresses and my sister’s nightgown. Mom came in and started to babble on about how much fun this is going to be. She brought me my sister’s old red riding hood long jacket. I grabbed my toothbrush from the bathroom, and mom handed me a purse too.
The knot in my stomach came back. As I went to protest to mom, she cut me off and with a glow in her eyes demanded, “Sweetie, you are going to have to tell me all about it in a few days! Don’t worry about it, just have fun like you do. The more fun you have with it, the more fun it will be…” All three of us were now in our jackets ready to go, and I realized that I would have to go outside of my house like this. I became terrified. What if someone notices? What if someone laughs at me and tells everyone. After the goodbyes, I made a direct b-line for the car, I didn’t look around and I made sure to walk especially girly so hopefully no one would suspect it was me. The wind whipped up my dress and was cold on my legs- this was the first time I was outside in a dress!
My uncle was in the ba
My older sister Amy had a little fat where her boobs will be but my cousins both had boobs! Michelle’s were big and hanging off of the front of her, while my other cousin, Kate, just had really pointed cones sticking straight out. They were covered with their bras, but I could see the shape and their nipples too! Michelle also had a bit of a figure, in that she was the only one that had hips. Her underwear was very lacey and small compared to all of our “granny panty’s.”
They ignored my staring, and proceeded to teach me how to do a catwalk. Just go out in the living room, do a few spins, and saunter back for a new outfit. We all took turns walking out by my aunt, spinning and walking back into the bedroom. Me and my sisters ran out of clothes quickly and Michelle decided she would be the fashion designer. She would just pick outfits for us to wear and we would put them on and do the walk. After going through the closet, all that was left were special outfits. Amy got to wear Michelle’s cheerleading outfit, and I was actually jealous.
Michelle put out Kate’s leotard and tutu for me. I slipped on the tights and leotard quickly, and grabbed the tutu when Michelle stopped me, “Wait a minute. You can see your thingy! You are going to have to push it between your legs to hide it.” All four girls were staring at my crotch, and were nodding their heads yes in unison. Totally embarrassed, I turned my back to them and reached down and gave it a push back, and the leotard and tights just held it back. When I turned back around, they all gave me the look of approval and went back to what they were doing. I put on the frilly tutu, and walked out in front of my aunt, hoping she wouldn’t say anything- but I was wrong. I did the spin just like they told me to, on my tiptoes and with my hands connected above my head.
She yelled into the bedroom, “Rebecca Jane looks just like a sugar plum fairy!” Then she said to me, “No one would even know you used to be a boy, sweetheart. Do you like ballet or dance?” I shrugged my shoulders, because honestly- I had never thought about it. After Michelle exhausted the wardrobe possibilities, Aunt came in and told Michelle that we should all do tea in formal gowns. Michelle found Easter and Christmas dresses for everyone.
The one that I got was a red Christmas dress, closest to my size, was full of scratchy lace everywhere, and it was long and heavy. It had poofy shoulders and poofed out at the waist. It had white bows on the sleeves and in the back. It was really big for a dress but it fit me. As we all got zipped up by each other, I felt confident again. The girls were all talking about what they wanted to do to their hair. They noticed that I didn’t have anything to say, and they all decided to worry about my hair. “We should put it up! With a few curls hanging down in her face. They all agreed and pinned my hair up on top of my head and tied it up with a big red bow. Kate squealed, “You look so darling! Why didn’t we do this before?” and everyone kept getting all dressed up. They gave me a bracelet and necklace to wear to accessorize, which always seemed like the finishing touch.
Kate went to her room and got a pair of actual heels for me to try. They didn’t seem that big when she handed them to me, but when I put them on- I was way taller and wobbly. Eventually we all made our way to the kitchen and sipped tea and had cookies. The tea tasted like flowers and dirt mixed together but the cookies were delicious. I was told many times at the table to stop fidgeting, keep my hands folded in my lap, smile, and then smile some more!
We finished all the cookies and my aunt told us we should change so we didn’t get the fancy dresses dirty. I was somewhat relieved that I could put something less heavy and hot on. It took a while to put everything back on hangers from the fashion show and the tea party. Michelle gave me this long hippy skirt to wear, which looked neat and felt like a nightgown, except it didn’t restrict me when I walked. Once we finished cleaning up, my cousins wanted to go play outside. I was terrified! My aunt tried to reassure me, “the boys are just going to think you are cute as a doll! Don’t worry about it, you more girly than a lot of girls your age. Just run around and have fun with the other kids- no one is going to even know!”
We went outside and there were a bunch of other kids. What was awkward was, there were boys too and up to now I had only been Rebecca in front of girls in my own family. I wasn’t acting shy, I was actually shy. I didn’t even want to talk. I was so self-conscience that I didn’t even want to talk. My cousins dragged me into the group and introduced me, “This is our other cousin, Becky Jane. She is kind of a tomboy, but that is ok.” Some of the girls introduced themselves, but the boys didn’t bother. We were going to play hide and seek, thankfully, I wasn’t it first. I hid so well, that I never got found during any of the games. It started to get dark, and my cousins said we had to go home.
Eventually we all got into our nightwear, and the girls started gossiping about the kids in the neighborhood. The talk finally got to boys, and Kate asked me point blank which one I thought was the cutest boy? “I can’t say, because… well, you know.” But that wasn’t good enough for Kate, she continued, “If you had to say?” Again I refused to answer. Kate started to badger me, “Pretend you were a girl, for real, just pretend, then who would you say is the cutest- just pick one!” Just to get her to shut up, I blurted “Bobby had a sparkle in his eyes and a nice smile. There are you happy now?” All of the girls started giggling, and singing, “Becky’s got a boyfriend, …” over and over. Kate said, “Are you going to marry him?” I got mad! They continued to talk about the boys, but left me out of it.
When my aunt shut the lights off, I was wide awake going over everything in my mind. I am in a nightgown, sleeping over with the girls, and being teased about having a boyfriend! I kept flip flopping on my feelings. One second, it felt so awesome- that I am being treated and accepted and even complimented as a girl. The next second, I would think that I don’t want any boy’s attention, and I would never want a boy to like me, gross! But wait, isn’t that what all the girls say? Maybe I am more confused than I thought. I couldn’t help but wonder if any of the boys thought I was cute, for a girl- I mean I was curious about it. That would be a complement, but I didn’t really want to think about that too much.
Saturday morning breakfast was weird too. I ran into my Uncle and kept pretending that I didn’t know him. He didn’t pay any attention to me, like I was a total stranger in his house. After we ate, my aunt informed us that we were going to the mall shopping. The girls got so excited. I was indifferent. My aunt took me aside and then started to get serious. “Look, for right now- you love shopping. You love pink. You love dolls. You love clothes. You love sweets. You love babies. You love puppies. You love everything girly that you can think of. For right now, you have to smile more. You have to get more excited about things. The only thing worse than a boring boy, is a sad pouty girl! You must be fun, giggle and tell secrets! Look everyone in the eyes and smile big! You have to think to yourself, if girls like it- then you love it!”
Again Michelle insisted on picking out my outfit. She laid out a jean mini-skirt, and a scrunchy pink tube top with spaghetti straps. Kate told me that I could wear her heels again. And my sister wanted to put my hair in braids. Once we got into our clothes, my sisters each took a side of my hair and braided it. Kate asked my aunt if we could put on a touch of makeup, and my aunt yelled back; just a touch! The girls put a little mascara on me and then lip gloss that was strawberry flavored. I didn’t like how goopy it felt on my lips but it smelled great and even tasted ok. When I looked in the mirror, I was without a doubt girly. The straps on my bra were showing and my miniskirt was so short, I thought you could see my underwear even while I was standing, but it was just long enough to cover them.
The girls kept fussing about their accessories and jewelry, they took forever. They gave me a heart necklace and bracelet to put on and I didn’t even consider if it matched my outfit. And with my hair in braids and makeup, I actually thought that I was cute. I had thought to myself that I looked girly before, but something was different. I looked like a “cute” girl, not just a girl. They made me stuff my bra with a sock for each boob. My bra compacted those socks to small lumps on my chest.
I turned to the other girls while throwing out my hip and putting my hand on my hip and then asked them in a high pitched voice, “How good do I look?” They stopped what they were doing to compliment me- “You are HOT!” said Kate and the other girls agreed. Michelle had to one-up her sister and said, “You look SEXY! I bet boys look twice at you to check you out at the mall.” My sister Amy had to then one up that compliment with, “Boys are going to want to kiss you and maybe we will run into Bobby!” All the girls giggled with delight, while that comment was too much for me, oh well. We were just five girls, and a mom, just going to the mall.
The first thing we did when we got to the mall was to practically sprint to the Women’s bathroom. I wanted to wait outside, but my aunt wouldn’t let me. I followed the girls in, past the door that was screaming at me- No Boys Allowed! I just kept following the group, and once I got past the door, I felt weird again. I turned and went to the sink and looked in the mirror. I liked the way I looked. I really liked being in a little jean skirt and this tube top. I liked my hair in braids, and it was long enough that even braided, it came down past my shoulders. The makeup was really noticeable and made my eyes stand out.
Well, I certainly look like I am supposed to be in here! I could hear the girls all peeing, and it was kind of loud and echoing. Girls were coming and going, but when they washed their hands, they always fixed something like their hair or makeup. I just took out the strawberry lip gloss out of my purse and put that on slowly. I was actually watching everyone out of my side vision. I got warm and felt faint for a second. Am I taking this too far? This was crazy! I am in the girl’s bathroom, with all girls! I mean, there are no boys in here and I am one of them now. One at a time, my family grouped around me until we had everyone again. We started to walk out, and I had to turn around and look again at the room that I wasn’t supposed to be inside of. My aunt said to me as we exited, “See, that wasn’t so bad, was it?” I shook my head no. It didn’t smell any better than any other bathroom but it was fancier.
We shopped all day. My aunt spent money on all of us. I got a one piece girls swimsuit, two skirts, and a top. We all got a new pair of tights, except Amy wanted nylons instead. When we got to the earring store, they all talked me into getting my ears pierced. I was internally against this, but I wanted to do my best to be the girl they all were making me to be. I felt like I would let them down if I didn’t, but I knew it would hurt (eventually I decided on large hoop earrings- I loved how big they were, but lightweight too.) My aunt told me that if I wanted, the next time we go to the mall, we could all get our hair done. The girls all cheered me on almost in unison, “That would be awesome!”
The next day when I woke up, I got a shock. It was Sunday, and we all had to go to church! I was instructed to have Michelle dress me, and to then come to breakfast after I was ready. Michelle got out all of us these white fancy dresses, and brushed my hair out and put it in a big bun in back of my head. I got simple studs to wear in my new piercings and a cross necklace. I had to wear nylons as well as heels. I got to wear this super fancy dress. It had lace, but under the scratch lace were la
After the service, my aunt insisted on introducing me to everyone. They would almost always say, “What a pretty little girl you are!” or “You are just darling!” and I just ate it up! I would look them right in the eyes of these older men and women and just smile and say politely and quietly, “Thank you.” I would think to myself …darling -especially impressive for a twelve year old boy!
Chapter Four – Living as a Girl
In the middle of summer, when dad left for the weekend, I didn’t miss the chance. As soon as his car left the driveway, I was putting on a new bikini and going outside to tan. Oddly, I loved tan lines. When I took my daily shower with bikini tan lines, it was a secret sexy side of me that no one else would see. Even wearing boy clothes, I knew my tan lines were there. I couldn’t go without a shirt anymore.
One day, I threw on my bikini and a skirt and top with some extra large sunglasses and I walked to the beach, alone. When I got there, I went right in to the girl’s locker room. It took work for my eyes to not bulge out! Most of the girls were wrapped in a towel, but in every direction there were naked females- women and girls of all ages, nude! I sat down on a bench and just watched. I must have sat there for hours. I saw almost a hundred naked bodies, every shape and size. I had that funny feeling that this was wrong, but when someone looked at me, they just smiled and I smiled back. I wasn’t out of place according to everyone else. The guilt subsided, and so did my interest. Eventually it was that interesting any more to see that for all the differences, girls were all basically the same.
The opposite was true when I left the locker room and noticed boys looking at me. I felt hot and shaky when I made overly long eye contact with one.
High School was surprisingly different from Middle School. To everyone, I was just a shy 13 year old boy that had long hair. My aunt wanted me to come over on weekends to have fun as Becky, so I had this double life going on. There were so many times that I had to think about which bathroom I should use before going on autopilot. I almost went into the boy’s room as a girl far more often than the other way around.
Chapter Five – Thinking Like a Girl
Interestingly, I made more friends as Becky on the weekends, than I did in high school as a freshman boy. I started to want to go meet my girlfriends after school, but when my dad was home- that was impossible. How he didn’t know, is still amazing to me. My girlfriends were just friends and I mostly ignored the boys. That boy that lived near my aunts, Bobby, started to find a reason to drop by on weekends. I didn’t even realize that he had a crush on me until he brought me flowers one weekend. My aunt told me to go for a walk with him. I wish I hadn’t. It was fun and we talked at first, but after a while he took my hand and we were walking while holding hands. I felt so warm and my heart started to race, and wondered if my hand was sweaty. It would have been weird to pull away, so I left my hand in his.
Like a brick wall falling on my head, a clarity washed over my mind. The point of being a girl, is to attract the attention of a boys. I know that I am a cute girl now; there is no one that could say otherwise. I just didn’t understand the point of being a cute girl. I didn’t think this through. I didn’t do this to be cute for the boys, but to fit in with the girls. I wanted to be a girl, to be with the girls, to be pretty and have long hair and fun clothes. I liked the idea of sashaying when I walked. I loved to talk like a girl, breathy and high pitched and silly and fun. I never thought about why.
When we got back to my aunt’s house, Bobby kissed me on the cheek and ran home. I got very embarrassed and hoped no one saw that. Unfortunately, my cousins and my aunt were watching through the window. When I got inside, they asked me if I liked him, and how cute he was. He was a good boy and never caused any problems. They wanted me to talk, talk, talk about him. They really didn’t stop. My aunt was so happy for me, even though I wasn’t. He kept coming by on weekends, when I was there, bringing me presents and asking to help me with my homework or chores or whatever. That was really nice of him, and I figured that he was a cool boy, as far as boys go.
One walk we went on, he asked if I would be his girlfriend. I told him that I didn’t know. Then he said, maybe not for real, but we could pretend. I think he was just backtracking in case I said no. I didn’t want to hurt his feelings, and was flattered by him. It was so funny to see how vulnerable he became. So, for the heck of it, I agreed. He then kissed me on the mouth, and I had never been kissed by anyone outside my family. I was just kissed by my “boyfriend” and I am someone’s “girlfriend.” This blew me away, and I would have to take a step back and really think about what this meant.
I couldn’t keep this to myself. I told my cousins, I was Bobby’s Girlfriend officially, and he kissed me on the lips- AND I think maybe I liked it, or at least thought it wasn’t horrible. My cousins wanted me to keep sharing. Did I feel warm and fuzzy inside when he asked me? How did he kiss?
When my aunt found out, she took me into her room to have a talk. I could tell this was serious. She started out with, “Rebecca dear, I know you have yourself a boyfriend now. I also know you let him kiss you too. We have to talk about this.” I protested, “I didn’t do anything wrong!” She sympathetically continued, “I know honey. But you do have a boyfriend and you did let him kiss you. So, I want to talk about what you want to be when you grow up, now. Can we do that?” I nodded yes. She continued, “Do you think about boys? Do you think about dating? Do you think about Prom? Do you think about your wedding? Do you want to get married and wear a big white dress and veil? Do you want to be a mommy or a daddy? You don’t have to answer me now, but I want you to think about these things. Do you have any ideas?”
I took some time to think, and answered quietly, “I have been avoiding this, auntie. But I would like to go to prom in a really sexy prom dress, I guess with a date. I don’t know about marriage yet.” She continued, “If I am hearing you right, you want to be a girl all the time, forever?” This was a big deal. She was asking about forever. “How is that possible?” I asked. She explained hormones would make me grow real boobs instead of stuffing my bra, and hips and even a cute butt too! She told me that they can turn my thing from an ‘outie’ to an ‘innie’ and I would be a real girl, forever. “You can get a boyfriend and make him happy even.” I asked if she was talking about sex, and she nodded her head. “Boys will want to have sex with you, and it makes them very happy. It actually drives them crazy, but you will discover that on your own. So, are you saying you want to be a girl, for real and forever?”
I didn’t know what that really meant, or all that would be involved, but I figured that I am already a cute girl, and I loved being a cute girl. I think I would love being one all the time and forever too. I explained this to my aunt. I told her how I think I always really was a girl. She then told me the worst news of all, “You are going to have to tell your father.” I felt sick and yelled, “No way! He would tease me or worse.” She just looked at me with sad eyes, “There will be a few people in your life that might not accept you, but we always will and your mom always will. We just want you to be happy and be yourself.”
Behind the scenes, my aunt had a discussion with my mom. Mom had a discussion with my dad, because my dad had this serious talk with me. His opinion was that my hair was too long and noticed that I got my ears pierced. He told me that boys don’t have long hair and do not pierce their ears, and also have short fingernails. I think he noticed that I must have plucked my eyebrows at this point. He told me that from this point forward, I had to cut my hair. I had to act more like a man. I asked him what would happen if I didn’t cut my hair, and he replied that him and my mother decided together that I would be required to wear a dress from this point forward until I cut my hair and acted more like a man. He told me that I was no longer a little boy. I was finishing my freshman year in high school and it was time to grow up. This was perfect. I told him that, “I refuse to cut my hair! I didn’t care what he and mom made me do, there was no way. And I would do this girl thing, and be good at it!” And like any rebellious child, he told me that he would make me so girly that I would agree to a buzz cut before summer was up! I couldn’t believe this.
Like he promised, he called my mother in the room. “He won’t cut his hair, like we thought. So, I want him to go to the beauty parlor with you and get it styled this weekend. I want him in a dress, today! Not tomorrow, but right now. Panty hose and the whole works! Since he has his ears already pierced, he will wear earrings every day too! I want him so girly, that he gets treated like a girl by everyone. Once he knows how girls get treated, he will be begging for a haircut!” He stormed out of the room convinced that Dad knows best and he would win. Mom just hugged me and cryed, “That worked! He thinks this is his idea!” I just hugged mom back. I could be a girl twenty-four/seven. For the rest of the summer, I acted as girly as I could and called him, “Daddy” and he called me “Baby Doll” or “Sally” and they both were meant to be an insult. I started to take hormones by the end of the week.
Dad was serious. He took all of my clothing and boxed it up, I was to wear girls clothing from now on. He also boxed up my toys, and was going to get me dolls. Over the course of just a week, my room was repainted pastel purple, and changed into an especially feminine room. Mom filled my closet with dresses and my dresser was emptied and filled too. I had drawers full of bras and panties! Dolls lined my bed and mom put a makeup vanity in my room. My sisters got in on it too, but they were not doing it as a punishment- they just loved helping decorate.
Dad insisted that Mom put curlers in my hair each night, sure it was a hassle but I got to have great hair every day. He did everything he could think of to make me uncomfortable and more of a ‘sissy.’ I finally got to paint my nails every day, which was really cool. This was going to be the best summer of my life! I got to wear makeup everyday too. After my shower each night, I would walk around the house in my nightgown, with my hair wrapped up in a towel- just like my sisters. Now my dad had four of us girls, running around doing beauty routines each night. I plucked my eyebrows down too. I had the longest beauty routine in the house, I think.
But there were no secrets now. I am a girl –even a cute one, and daddy is going to see. Everyone is going to see.
Chapter Six – Hormones in to a Girl
Almost two months later, my nipples got puffy and hurt. A few weeks later I could tell they were getting fatter. And just a few weeks after that, I could tell that I got tiny boobs and my butt was changing! My aunt told me that when I graduate, they can do surgery to give me a “front butt.” I spent a lot of time imagining that. I loved that my butt was growing. I noticed my face was getting rounder, and my skin was getting softer. I finally could wear jeans and fill them out. This was new for me and I started to love wearing jeans, and cutoff jean short-shorts.
I think I was getting even more girly than my sisters. I took my aunt’s advice and everything traditionally that girls like –I loved! Unicorns and rainbows became my collectables. I didn’t wear my swim suits around dad because my figure was really starting to change, and that he would notice. But he didn’t notice me filling out any of my clothing. When he wasn’t home, I would just wear a t-shirt without a bra around the house to show off my budding breasts. My sisters and mom sometimes ran around topless. I loved how they treated me just like one of them. All four of us girls would use the bathroom at the same time. They lost all remaining modesty around me. Amy’s boobs had grown fast in a year, and Kelly got her period finally.
Since I was ‘forced’ to be a girl, I didn’t have to go to my aunts and soon forgot about Bobby. But there were other boys that I could tell would flirt with me and I even think a few had a real crush on me. I let a few in the neighborhood kiss on me, just for fun. Usually, it was truth or dare with the kids that lived by us. But this one boy, Steve, took me into a secluded part of a park and we seriously made out. He stuck his strong tongue in my mouth, and we French kissed until my jaw started to hurt. He was sloppy and a wet kisser. He really liked me. That was a mental turn on, more than the wet slurpy kissing. I did feel guilty for a second, that maybe this was wrong and I know my dad would think so. He was trying to teach me a lesson, but not how to French kiss boys! I liked kissing, and wasn’t going to be kissing girls anyway, so I might as well kiss the boys that wanted to.
Since by the end of summer, I didn’t cut my hair, my dad insisted I go to school as a girl. That would have to change my mind! I had to change High Schools and bus across town. On the plus side, I got to start over with all new people. When we went school shopping, my sister’s and I got a ton of new clothes. My tastes changed a bit. I wanted more stylish stuff and less girly stuff. Mom told me that I should start wearing nylons from now on. I picked out stuff that mom said was too slutty, but I wanted to show off my new developing body. I got a bunch of tight jeans though.
My hair was halfway down my back when we went to the salon. They gave me a perm and bangs that I poofed up. I got a real manicure and became very careful not to break a nail. I was trying to be more age appropriate in dress and manners and polish. The new purse I picked was larger than ever, because I started carrying around more stuff with me and girl’s outfits don’t have functional pockets. Mom made me carry a pad and a tampon to borrow out to other girls in a pinch.
The first day of school was nerve wracking. I was bussing across town to the other High School, and I didn’t know anyone. I wanted to get in the click with the cheerleaders and preppies. As it turns out, I was not as female socialized as I had thought. I guess I was more awkward then my family led me to believe. I think people thought I was weird, so I ended up with the bad girls that didn’t care.
Within two weeks, an athlete boy found out that I was new and asked me to the Homecoming Dance. I agreed, not because I liked him or anything, but so that I could go. I got to get a brand new Homecoming dress, but since my boobs were still small and growing, mom got these foam inserts to put in my bra so at least I was a B cup. The day of the dance, I went to the salon and got a makeover and style. I was ready to go and my dad was watching television when I came out of my room. He was shocked at how awesome I looked, but got mad about it. “Do you know that your ‘date’ is going to want to do more than dance? I mean look at you, you are way too attractive. Don’t you think you have taken this way too far now? Are you gay or what?”
As a tear ran down my face, I whispered, “Daddy thank you. That is the best and only complement you have given me. I am not gay, but I am going to have surgery in a few years to be a girl permanently. And I like boys! Someday I hope to have you walk me down the aisle to marry one, in my big white dress. I love you, and hope you love me enough to accept me.” Then a tear dropped from my other eye. He jolted in place, and pulled me in for a hug. “Don’t cry you’re going to mess up your makeup.” We both laughed in relief. I don’t know what was going through his mind really, but I felt the wall break down between us. He kissed me on the lips, like he did to my sisters, and told me to behave tonight. Amy had to be a brat and joked, “Don’t get pregnant tonight!” I gave her the dirtiest look that I could, and she stopped laughing.
Chapter Seven – Gettting Used and Abused Like a Girl
The dance was so fantastic. My date held me close during all of the slow dances. I could hear him breathing heavy and just loved what I could do to him. I felt so powerful. He was even dirty dancing and even rubbing his erection up against me! During the fast dances, I shook my butt and grabbed my boobs and twirled around in my awesome dress. We were grinding no matter what the music was. I felt so sexy. In the girls bathroom, someone had some of their parents liquor and I took a few huge pulls.
We made out in his car forever, eventually he unzipped his pants and looked at his thing he pulled out. There it was, throbbing and slowly growing. I knew what he wanted! I had to prove myself as a girl now. I immediately grabbed it and put it in my mouth. It was larger than I thought and filled up my mouth. I had to breathe through my nose. I started sucking on it as hard as I could and even stroked it like Amy taught me to do. My jaw started to ache, and I thought I must be doing this wrong. That is until he squirted so hard, that I felt it hit the back of my throat and filled up my mouth. This was the moment of truth, and there was nowhere to spit it out. I pulled my mouth off and it was just sitting in my mouth. It was like very slimy or runny eggs and very salty. I had to just swallow.
At school a few days later, it seems he told some of his friends. People were gossiping about me. One of my girlfriends told me that a bunch of people knew that I swallow and don’t spit. Great! I am going to be called a ****, for my first time ever getting sexual. I was super pissed off at him. How could he do this to me. For the first time in years, it was no fun being a girl, but I hated boys even more. I thought we had a fantastic night together.
I told my sister, who told my mom. Mom came into my room, and I was an emotional wreck. I couldn’t stop crying. She kept stroking my hair and started crying with me. I thought I was doing what he wanted and didn’t think he would tell everyone.
I got gang raped at my Senior Prom. I got wasted, and my date decided that I needed to be ****** like a girl. I was so drunk that I consented at first. I just let my date screw me in front of the others. I think it was my low self esteem that had developed around boys. I never wanted his friends to do it to me too. I can’t believe that my date passed me around. I can only barely remember saying stop, but they all took turns ******* me in the *** and I just let it happen. I woke up in a hotel room covered in ***. It was in my hair on my face and my dress was ruined. My *** hurt like hell from the inside. I went to the bathroom to look at myself and someone wrote on my face, **** and GAY.
I don’t want to be a girl anymore. I hate how guys can act like animals! I don’t want to make them feel good, and I don’t want to be attractive to them anymore. I told my mom that, and she pointed out that I am have C cup boobs, and a big butt and hips. There was no surgery for me to completely not be a girl. I couldn’t go back, I could only move forward and become a woman. Since then, I have experienced lots of sexism, being treated like an idiot, and harassment. I wish I had known how little fun it can be as young woman just trying to live life.