Cheating And Abusing Father

i just found this website today, and  i am so happy to finally find a place i can share my experiences, i never talk about them with friends or close people as i cant stand them feeling sorry for me . i dont live in a society where its normal to go to shrink, its  soo anyoing to see that people judge that as well. and all my life i ve struggled to learn not to judge people mostly because of my father. he never knew how to make the emotional connection with me and my brother, nor to express his love in a way other fathers did; i was always scared of him even as a little girl. when i started going to school i also missed him in my actual life, and tried to compensate that gap by focusing on learning and school. the good part is that i excelled in it and was top honors student, the bad part is that as soon as i thought my father was supporting me , i realized that the only reason he would get up early to drive me to school was because he took different road to work .  he usually did it twice per week. i had weird feeling inside but was too little to understand anything- i was only ten. i figured it out soo late -maybe years later when i noticed my mum waking up unhappy and trying to hide the misery she was feeling, or the paranoid time she would spend on the balcony waiting for him to get back from work and to see from which side he came ...soo painful.. afterwards it just escalated that my mother would say to him that if he did it once again she would live him. that dickhead probably knew she could not leave him , so he even walked around with other women almost public. i remember the humiliation that people would comment - leave her she is so young to understand what her father is doing. 
sometimes they would comment in front of him , but he would react is we are all stupid . what a dickhead!  for years i could not understand the damage this did to my mental health and the relationships with men. i actually never had a long stable relationship , intense yes, loving yes, but never a lasting one. most probably because deep inside i dont beleive it will last.
for the last two years, and i am almost 28, i try to fight this disorder of mine.i try to tell myself to isolate the father relation and to go for men that have nothing nothing in common with my father or family. and in this way build a new cognitive approach to myself. its kinda working, if i wasnt living close to the family i think it would have been much more successful. i am fighting it every day, to become smth he killed , to become emotionally available person and to have my faith back that there are normal men who do not need to kill the womenkind in order to feel strong. and yes, who actually love being with one woman. to all the ******* out there like my father i wish you all the worst fears come true .  

Summerly Summerly
26-30, F
2 Responses Jul 25, 2010

Believe me when i say that i understand where you are coming from. while i came through my marriage breakdown after years of heartache, the same cannot be said for my youngset daughter. she has been through 2 marriages that lasted 7 yrs for the first and 4 for the second. She is 40yrs old now and alone she is beautiful as im sure you are, has a good paying job but does not have faith in the male species. The men she was married to where lovely,but she just couldnt/wouldnt believe it. Ill say to you dear what i keep saying to her not all men are like your fathers there are lots of lovely men out there just waiting for you if you would give them half a chance. If not just enjoy the great moments when they come.

Sounds Like my dad, read my blog have a look at the outlet I used to stop from feeling **** about it. : ) hope things start to look up for you.