I Just Want It To Be Over

this is just me venting after a breakdown i had tonight about my dad. i found this website and writing this helped me stop crying and shaking and now hopefully ill be able to fall asleep.if youre a stickler for grammar or punctuation and capitalization, the end gets pretty rough because i didnt care anymore. its kind of a stream of consciousnessand a bunch of rambling so  i guess this is more for me than anyone else but i think it will help me to be able to see how other people in the same situation deal. i figured i wo uld include this though before anyone started reading.

I have always loved my dad a lot. We were always very close because I was the oldest and out of the three girls I guess I was the "boy" because I was into sports. My parents always fought and never seemed particularly loving even when I was a kid but I just assumed that everything was normal. About 5 years ago the fights got more intense because he would get home from work late every night going out with his friends. Me and my sister had found sketchy text messages from connie--a coworker who had been to grad parties at our house a few times. But we all gave him the benefit of the doubt. 2 years ago was the worst day of life. I was home from college on a break and walked in late but nobody was home except my dad. He was in his room, door closed,apparently not knowing I had come in. I stopped by the door and heard him talking on the phone to someone and I stood there for a moment trying to figure out what was going on. Before long I realized it was a dirty conversation with a woman, something I would never want to hear my dear old dad say to my mom. I had to keep listening because I knew it wasn't my mom. After I couldn't take it anymore I opened the door and he instantly slammed his cell phone shut. In tears I confronted him and he told me it was just a friend and that her boyfriend died so he made one mistake. He was visibly upset and crying-- the first time I had seen tears in his eyes since the day I was born he cried then too, I was there but I don't remember :) But it was also clear to me that he was also lying. Overwhelmed, I knew I couldn't tell my mom. Just in case it WAS a one time thing I was afraid about what would happen if I exposed his secret. I wanted my parents to stay together. Maybe its selfish, but I love both of them and I always assumed that one day I would be able to take my kids to see their grandparents every Sunday like I got to do. In my head, telling her meant starting the cycle that would lead to the end of my parents marriage and my happy  image of my family. I called the one friend I knew would understand and cried to her for an hour. The next day I went back to school and did my best not to think about it. A few months later was my college graduation which seemed all fine and dandy. 2 days after we got home my mom got the letter. In all capital red letters my dad had typed up a page and a half letter saying how he wanted to separate and he had been thinking about it for a few years and how he waited til now because he knew me and my sisters would all be home to support her. Yeah  make your kids support their mother so you can walk out on us to hang out with your girlfriend! My mom was a wreck the first couple of weeks, I was struggling too. I missed my dad but I was also the only one who knew he was cheating. That made it so much harder whenever my mom came to me to talk about it, which was often. We expected it to last a month...then came two...now lets see its January and he has been gone since May. We see him every couple weeks for "family" dinners. In the meantime my younger sisters boyfriend moved in...which bothered me at first but he has almost been a blessing for us now. He does chores that my dad used to do and it just helps having him around sometimes. Then I checked his email..easy his password was our dogs name. I know this might be some kind of boundary but I didn't care. What my father was doing to my mom was unspeakable and unfair. All she ever did was support the guy and defend him, she still does. I found dirty emails to and from connie and the evidence against him piled.  but what hurt the most was seeing the  letter  he gave to my mother emailed to connie and saved with the title "BIG DAY" (im shaking just writing that) big day like it was some kind of celebration that he would finally be free of his kids and overweight wife (and hes equally overwight) It pained me to look at this stuff but I had to know what was going on. Tonight was one of those nights. I couldn't sleep so I checked my dads email. He just got a blackberry so there were pictures of him and his ***** on it. My stomach dropped and I have been crying for hours and shaking. I hate him but at the same time I can't. He is my dad and I'm overwhelmed not only with the burden of this secret (my mom thinks he is just depressed--they have been in therapy sincce august) but also the thought that may dad can be such a terrible person. The man I have loved and trusted all my life made a dramatic change. Now I feel like its a waiting game... when is the divorce coming? I feel like at this point it is inevitable. every time I bring it up to him he says why do you think im in therapy. i think its to hold up appearances...just come home already if youre not gonna then make your move. dont put us through any more pain than we already are going through. yet it continues to drag on into this endless series of family dinners which mask the fact tthat hes not living with us anymore. i just cant understand how someone can just drop everything....25+ years of marriage, 3 good kids, all gone. if he does leave us for good im not sure what ill do. i will never be able to face that woman again, i hate her more than i have ever hated anyone in my life and ending up with her would not allow me to see my dad ever. i cant bare the thought of it but i also cant bare the thought of talking to him once he has left my mom who loves him so much and the kids who did too. i feel lost and im sick of not being able to get my feelings out about the situation. not having anyone to vent to makes holding it in so much harder. i feel like people will judge me if i tell them about my dad. im 22 im a bit of a late bloomer...never had a boyfriend, i still live at home- well technically grad school but breaks are still home and now im afraid to ever have a relationship because of what happened. i dont know if i will be able to trust a man ever. anytime i think about any relationship the first thought that comes to my mind is cheating. thats not something a normal 22 year old should have to face before i even start my first relationship. i cant help but think ahead to the day i get married..if i do...wwill i even want my dad to walk me down the aisle? something i have always dreamed of but now i dont know if i can have a man who symbolizes everything wrong in a marriage play a major role in my ceremony. i guess only time will tell. i  wish he would just come back and we could be a family again but realistically i dont see it happening which is devastating to admit but given the evidence ive seen hes very happy with that ***** and it kills me. the thought actually crossed my mind that if there was a law where everyone what to kill one person consequence free she would be mine. i know its a sick and disturbing thought and i would never actually do it but thats how much i hate her for taking my dad away knowing full well he had a wife and 3 daughters. this just needs to end so i can stop thinking about what if and just accept the fate of our family. i dont want to lose him or that side of the family. he has 3 sisters who i love very much and all of my cousins who i would miss dearly but im afraid our family trips to see them are almost done. already 2 of his sisters have been divorced so im hoping were on the right side of the 50%statistic but who knows.

devastatedconfused devastatedconfused
22-25, F
5 Responses Feb 13, 2010

pls speak to ur dad abt all of it..

i could sit here and express the emotion i feel for what uve gone thru, i could tell u im sorry tat u feel this pain n i could say tthat itll get better but i wont, ill tell u im proud of you and mean it and hope its enough to get u thru wat there is to come

whoa i loved how you stood up to him

Oh my gosh, I'm so sorry! I think you should confront him and ask who she is and whatever's meant to be will find it's way, so BEST of luck.

i am soo sorry that a thing like that would happen to you... i can some what relate and hopefully help you.... and i can understand why you feel the way you do.... im a younger sister of two my parents were seperated when i was i believe a year. and i wish that my parents would get back together but i know it wont happen because my dad is a butthole... he admits it. it has been hard not having my mom around and i also have a younger half sister that lives with her that i love. now you not wanting to trust a guy because of your incident with your dad i understand... i too dont trust guys... i have been hurt by many. one lied and another cheated.... not all guys are bad its just extremely hard to find a good one.. except if they are religious or a goody to shoe guy i guess...you just got to keep your guard up and study how guys are....ask questions study their body movements and their actions... kind of research them.... i have a fiance who i have a kid with i still have a little trouble trusting him only because of my past and his that i dont let go of but im working on it and he is helping me and he understand why i dont... explain to the guy you should meet about your trust issues see if he will help you and you yourself make sure he understands. what your dad did is wrong.. he should have told your mom right when he knew about what he wanted to do. he made your mom look like a fool thinking she had a man that loved her when really it was another woman on his mind he was thinking about all those years saying i love you to your mom when probably in his head he was actually saying it to the other woman he loves and then lie in to his own daughters and sneeking behind their backs...your back... you should never lie in a relationship or your loved ones. not to be mean but you should have told your mom or tell your dad to do it right then and there... i know you love your dad and mom and didnt want them to split is a woman in this case looking like a fool i hate i feel real bad for your mom she dont deserve it at all your dad made a mistake he needs to learn from it it might take awhile but he will learn... and i actually have a story to go along with that but im already rambleling on. lol. and sorry that i am.... there is just so much i want to say but it would just take hours to get it all out and im sure you dont want to read a book. lol. i think ill end my writing now... i hope i helped a little and i would like to say more but ill let you read this first to see what you have to say.... and i hope i didnt offend you in a way or some how.