</3Tanner and I were together one year and known each other for 4 almost 5 years. Even thought I am only 17 I thought Tanner was "the one." He and I talked about getting married and everything. We WERE in love. I have severe depression and am bipolar. He just couldn't stand or handle me when I had one of my "moments." He tried but then the more times I had them the less he tried. I mean I don't blame him for wanting to leave me :( But it hurts so bad. I am a cutter, am NOT proud to say that but it's true. I have been one for 5 years and I dread it greatly. After Tanner saying that I should just forget him and he should forget me and move on I felt as if I got stabbed in the heart millions of times. I cut mighty deep on my arms and the scars are bright pink/purple. Mama knows and aches because of the pain I am suffering from. Tanner, in the end always ends up making me so upset that I cut. I can't just blame him but he is one of the main reasons to why. When I say that I don't want people to think that he is the worst person ever because I cut over him, it's just he is the main person that causes me pain. Never would I have thought Tanner would stop loving me. But that day actually came and I still try to deny that he said that. Our relationship was NOT the greatest but we had our good moments. We fought more then we should and were always on each others backs. I knew it was going to end eventually because of me. I always thought that a person loving me would be impossible or if someone were to, it wouldn't be very long until they start realizing the real side of me and how stupid I can get. I just think he stopped loving me. Each day his love for me lessened. That just breaks my heart but again I don't really blame him. Who would want to love a person like myself? I always made him upset and what not. My mama says he doesn't deserve me, I can agree because he wasn't a very wonderful boyfriend. I can't help but think he used me for his pleasure but I just tend to think that about every guy. (sorry guys) So here I am, single and hating it yet enjoying it. I hate it because I miss Tanner like crazy but then enjoying it because I'm not hurting him anymore and vise versa. I want to find someone and move on, I just want to be happy. I want that more than anything but again my feelings for Tanner keep getting in the way. I don't want to date someone and constantly think about Tanner and wanting him back. I really don't want to do that to someone. (I've done it before and never again do I want to hurt a guy like that.) I know I may be told by many of you to get over it and start fresh and be happy and work towards a good life and enjoy it but damn it's so hard when Tanner was my first love. I lost my virginity to him, we shared everything together. I feel as if part of me is gone. Even though he and I fought a lot, I still miss him and all of our fun times we've shared. To top it off seeing him at school really isn't enjoyable. I really want to go up to him and hug him and tell him good morning like I used to but I have to keep reminding myself it's not like that anymore. He and I still talk, just not as much, which saddens me. I know I have to accept it sooner or later but right now it's very hard to do so. All I want is to be happy. Also to get another chance with Tanner and have it be loads better than before. If that isn't possible then finding someone who loves me even though of all my disorders would make me happy.
MaggotGirl666 16-17, F 2 Responses 0 Feb 18, 2011