Diy Control/alt/delet Your Definition Of Beauty.

I challenged my notions of beauty, well more accurately the notions ingrained in me from a very young age. As I have said before in other groups here it was/is important for women in my family to have long hair, less so now, some cousins wear short hair and might get teased a bit but in my generation it was crucial to have long hair. By the time I hit my early 20's I had an extremely distorted and unpleasant view of myself that was emotionally very potent and governed most of my actions. Luckily I have a natural drive to challenge what is in front of me and I'm also lucky to be smart. This combination caused a serious conflict within me that brewed for years until in my early 20's I shaved my head all the way down to zero guard. I did it alone while camping to give myself some time for me to get used to it before facing a large group of friends who'd only known ling haired me. I went in stages begining with the biggest guard on the clippers. With each full head completion I'd stop and look in the mirror at myself, not at my hair but at me trying to see the spirit in my eyes, trying to just breath, take my time and be ok. I would then think of some deep wounds involving my hair and childhood then with thoughts full and present in my mind I'd let them all go with the passing of the clippers all over my head with the next shorter guard until the very last one. When I went to zero guard I had nothing left to let go of, by design I arrived at this final bold move with the freedom to choose new thoughts, beliefs and ideas about myself and the world - so I told myself outloud that I'm beautiful no matter what, chubby, too skinny, hair or no hair etc did't matter. I spent time really covering whatever came up in my heart and my head before shaving down to the skin. It was terrifying and exhilarating and confusing on many levels but I clung to the fact that I'd made this decision very thoughtfully and sat with it a long time just to be sure and that I was definitely of sound mind and body when I promised myself to do this personal ritual. It was as much me for me as it was me smacking societies popular definition of beauty in the perfectly made up and airbrushed face.

With equal amounts of fear and pride I took myself back home after a week or so of lone camping. Truthfully I was scared shitless of what my friends might think and more vulnerable than I ever imagined possible. Heck I shook so hard at certain stages of my head shaving I had to just sit down and regain control of my body. It was insane to me that my body would react so violently to an act I was doing on purpose, an act of love no less. I was so painfully shy in my vulnerability when I got home I was grateful it was dark. At some points I couldn't breathe when a new person would enter the room, face so red my ears hurt but in the darkness I could hide that bit at least. No one freaked out or caused a scene, no one insisted on a better loom with lights on, no one asked loads of questions that first night. In fact from a small handful of friends I got very calm almost nonchalant kudos and yays with a general consensus that bald is awesome on me, like really awesome.

Honestly shaving my head is the best thing I've ever done for myself in healing and becoming braver and so many things. Years of therapy could not get the deep heart release and return to self love that one week alone camping and some pro clippers got. I highly recommend it to everyone to do at least once. I do it every so often still just to remind myself that beauty is beyond what you see with the naked eye, plus it super duper helps out with any shyness or low self worth issues I might be having at any given time. Do it. Shave it all off - you'll be glad you did!
OrangeOlive OrangeOlive
31-35, F
1 Response Sep 2, 2011

Very interesting indeed! ...and brave!