My Darwin Award Trials

I promised last night on another site that I would tell the story of the night in 2005 that I almost ended up getting a Darwin Award. Three times that night I thwarted death. It was February, freezing and I was alone in our flat for a few days because Andy had gone to paint his Gran’s house for her.

One night, after copious amounts of weed and the Poltergeist movie, I realised I was out of smokes and decided to make a trip to the Petrol Station to grab some more. I bought a top-up card for my phone too and decoded to give Andy a call to jovially rub it in that I was probably having more than him. This is when I made the wrong turn that earned me 3 extra hours on my journey and a bit of flirting with the Reaper.

Still on the phone, I turned right when I got out of the Petrol Station to put my cellophane waste into the bin and kept chatting away to Andy- without turning back onto the right road. Now, in my defense, it was 10:30pm, it was VERY dark and both the road I had ended up on and the one I was supposed to be on looked very similar. So, onward I trundled.

I’d long hung up the phone when I realised my mistake. I asked my phone to tell me where I was through a “Where am I?” service. Plains, said it. A village on the outskirts of the actual town. I had gone 2.5 miles in a straight line in the wrong direction.

I could have ended it there. I could have gone back, but I realised that I had already walked for a full hour in the wrong direction and that it would be quicker to try to walk the (unlit) back roads home to Airdrie. In my infinite wisdom, I thought that cutting across a nearby housing estate would get me there faster. Cue my first encounter with adventure.

The estate I’d wandered into was, unbeknown to me at the time, a half-built housing development. I couldn’t find a way out to the back roads through the perimeter fencing around the whole thing, nor could I find the way from which I’d come. I spent about 20 minutes searching and the eerie quiet of the place started to make me nervous. Right, I thought, time to jump someone's ’back fence!”

I marched straight toward the nearest garden and, not once breaking stride, soldiered through- straight into a quicksand-esque mud. Caught mid-march, I was pulled down. I managed to grab a hold of one of a plank that the workmen had been using and it was then that I grasped the reality of my situation. I had fallen into a garden that hadn't been built yet! The strangeness, the quiet! They all made sense now.

In that second, I panicked. Like I said earlier, I’d been watching Poltergeist and was a little bit stoned, so I had a mini freak-out as I thought about the dead-body infested mud-pool from the movie and you better believe your *** did I start pulling and tugging to get out of that mud!!! I hauled myself onto a plank and, found a hole in the fence to get through.

By this point, I had sobered up and was pretty pissed off! What should have been a 45-50 minute walk had now taken 2 hours and I was still nowhere near my destination. In, the distance, I saw the beautiful lights of the streetlamps in the main town. I deduced, in parallel to my already clearly brilliant Sherlocking that evening, that the best way to get to where you want to go would be a straight line.

Single-minded and focused on those beautiful glowing orange orbs ahead, I moved in the darkness, like a Terminator with sights on its target. After a few minutes though, it occurred to me to check and see what was going on around my feet. I used my phone as a torch and discovered that had I taken one more step, I’d have gone straight into a stone Quarry. The thought that I actually almost died like that made me laugh quite loud. I was soon silenced by a growling coming from behind me.

Stood there behind me, were 2 rather burly looking Pit-bulls. Normally, I’d have been scared Witless but that was no ordinary night! I stood my ground and walked straight past them, with them growling and eyeballing me til I was gone.

I realised where I was because I knew where the quarry was in location to town, so I was able to make my way back to the main road and home again. It was 2:30am by the time I made it home again! I got to the flat, covered in mud. I ******** right there in the hallway and fell straight into bed!

We talk sometimes about what a pointless death it would have been to fall into a quarry like that and how no-one would ever know why I was there! Funnily enough, it’s not the craziest night I’ve ever had, but it sure is one of the most memorable!
LadyOfTheFright LadyOfTheFright
26-30, F
Nov 30, 2012