Emotionally They Say

At least its what my friends told me. I would never cheat on someone, but I guess my feelings betrayed me and decided to open up to him as well.

Let me tell you my side of this conflict. I'm tired of hearing my ex telling the whole world I cheated on her and that the break up was my fault. Maybe it is, maybe I'm not at fault here. I don't know, I'm not sure. I just know, I've been and I'm still so confused.

I'm 16 years old right now. When I was 14 in the 8th grade, I met Maria. We opened up to each other and found out many horrible tragedies about one another. We trusted each other and became very close friends. In 9th grade, I was about to go out with this guy when Maria kept bothering me about him. Saying he wasn't right for me. That he was a flirt. I was annoyed by that until I found out he really was a big flirt. Later on, I found out Maria was jealous. She has had a crush on me for a while. I've been starting to have feelings for her as well. I just always kept them to myself and thought it was completely wrong. I wasn't into girls. I was straight. But whenever I thought about just her, I always felt attracted to her. So we both told each other how we felt and started going out January 8, 2011. At first, our relationship was amazing! I was so happy with her. It was going so great.. but then her jealousy towards guys talking to me became worse and worse. Then this girl tried to hit on her and she didn't even notice it until I told her. We started arguing and getting into many fights. Eventually that same girl almost convinced her to break up with me a couple of times. The arguments kept on happening. Our relationship kept getting worse and worse. When she talked to me about the 'what if's', she always mentioned how she'd die if I even broke up with her. That she'd kill the guy if I ever cheated on her. She was very selfish and got extremely jealous easily. She was always putting herself down and never thought she was good enough for me. She was always comparing herself to guys and saying I was better off without her. We only went out on a date once. Her parents hated me. They thought I was a bad influence when I was actually having pretty good decent grades. My parents always welcomed her. Loved her in fact. Her parents never let her go out so that was a problem there. We only got to see each other in school and in after school activities.
We also had sex often. I'm not sure if you believe that two girls can have sex but whatever. Half the time, I was into it. The other half.. I felt like I was being half forced.. Whenever I neglected it, she would touch me and would get me in the mood when I wouldn't want it. She would often say that we rarely get to have sex and that we should. She always found ways to convince me. When she would convince me and we did it, sometimes it would be for like 30 minutes. She was always disappointed. She always wanted more and felt like it wasn't enough.

This year, we managed to make it a year that we've been together. But still.. the fights just constantly kept on continuing and about the stupidest thing you could ever think of. Her jealousy kept on worsening. Especially since in my 10th grade, I was hit on by I think it was 5 guys. But I always told her about them.. I always told her who I was talking to and who asked me out. Whenever a guy did, the first thing I would tell them is that I'm taken. She still made such a big deal about it. Even after weeks passed.

Like I said, the fights were just getting to me. I was becoming depressed. I was rarely ever happy around her. I cried frequently and I always felt like the fights were because of me. A guy in my science class who's name is Chris started talking to me. He's in 12th grade. 18 years old. We started texting each other. He also asked me out, but I immediately shot him down and told him I was bisexual and I was dating someone already. He was sad but still wanted to be my friend. He wanted to get to know me. I told him about my relationship. How its been going terribly wrong and how I've been hurting many times. He always helped me get through it. He was always there for me, when Maria was busy ignoring me and walking away because of the fights. While she was always getting mad at everything, he was there comforting me. Almost everyday, he would tell me that he likes me, eventually he started saying 'I love you,' instead of 'I like you.' He kept telling me of how jealous he was of my girlfriend since she has me. That I was perfect for him. As always, I told him that I wasn't the one for him. That this world was a big place, he's bound to find someone that is even better than me. I told him I was just a weak person who can't even manage her own relationship. Eventually.. I started dreaming about him. I started thinking about him in class. I realized that I liked him. I didn't want to believe it though! I talked to my friend about this. She helped me realize I was crushing on him.. I swear, I didn't want to like him. I felt so horrible.. I felt so unfaithful towards Maria.. I decided to keep my feelings to myself. Not tell her nor him.
May.. was the hardest month ever. It was my birthday that month. My mother was almost dying.. she was hospitalized for 5 days. Kept going to doctors and clinics. I was depressed as hell. I didn't care for my homework anymore. I was failing my classes. My attitude was changing. Maria noticed it. But the fights continued. She insisted on going to my house on an early release. Three.. or two days before that, she had run away from home and so much **** happened that day. I kept begging her not to come. To go home. She was so persistent. She kept on insisting and saying I don't want to see her. She had chosen the wrong words when I just didn't want her to get caught and get sent to Juvy. I didn't want her to get in trouble. So at last, I screamed at her and told her that she can't and won't come to my house. She looked at me, turned around and walked away. I wanted to go run after her, like I always did.. but I felt like she was just going to end up convincing me of letting her come over to my house. So I got on my school bus and I left. There on that bus, I saw her walking to the transit stop and I told myself, "Watch she comes over and breaks up with you." I called myself stupid and hated myself.
I came home and I was on the computer. I was also texting my friend Chris. I told him what happened. He felt sorry and cheered me up. Next thing you know it, I hear a knock on my front door. It was Maria. She came and said, "I came to your house.. because I want to break up with you." I was shocked.. speechless.. broken hearted.. sad.. All this in just one lousy month.. it wasn't even my birthday yet. She walked away again, like she always did.. I chased after her.. she said such hurtful things when I did.. she said, "I'm sorry I'm not a guy! I'm sorry I don't have a ****! You're always talking to that Chris guy! Why don't you go kiss him!! Go **** him for all I fucken care!!" I don't know why, but it ended unexpectedly. She apologized. She tried to kiss me. She asked me to forgive her. She said I was changing, that I was always talking to Chris. She knows about him. I told her I was texting him. She was angry because I was texting him.. She ended the fight with her giving me a day to decide if we should go out again.. to start over..
My mom has been in many relationships where they all ended bad whenever she gave someone a second chance. I didn't want to repeat the same mistakes. I was frighten, when she tried to forcefully kiss me and hug me.. I was shaking.. I was so confused..
The next day, I told her. I won't go out with her. She just got up in disbelief and walked away. I told Chris about it.. I was crying.. and he cheered me up like always.. Chris would hug me tightly every day.. I think it was three days after my breakup that we hanged out after school and he kissed me.. I knew I really liked him.. because I kissed him back..
Maria was ignoring me the whole time. Never even looked at me. When she found out Chris kissed me, she came up to me and said I was cheating on her. She accused me of being with him. Asked me if he kissed me. That my friend told on me. I told her that he did. She asked if I kissed him back.. I told her I did. She snapped.. she was so suicidal.. I didn't know what to do.. I just kept on hurting her.. she wanted me back.. I felt so much hatred towards myself. She kept on repeating the words, about leaving her for a guy. I later told her, when I started liking him. I told her how we fought affected me and how he was there for me. I thought she let it go.. but she kept messaging me and saying she wanted me back. I tried to have a conversation with her without having to deal with relationships. She always went back to that topic and eventually I grew tired of it. I told her, I won't talk to you if you keep this up. I'm not going to give you a second chance. I won't give anyone a second chance. Every time.. she always said she would kill herself. She didn't even eat. She was starving herself and puked all the time.
I told my friend about his. Told her everything, how she blamed me for cheating on her. She said, "it wasn't physically.. but emotionally." My other friend said ''I fell out of love.''
About a month later, I decided to give Chris a chance. He was willing to wait longer if I needed it. I've been with him since almost a month ago. Everyday, I've been very happy with him.

That's my story. Please don't hate. I just wanted to let it out. I hate being confused.
Maybe I did cheat on her, but it was emotionally. I would never cheat on someone. That's completely wrong and such a stupid thing to do.
I don't know.. I'm just confused..
Diddy20 Diddy20
18-21, F
1 Response Jul 5, 2012

Hi. I noticed there weren't any responses on this, so I thought I'd give it a go. Just so you know a little about me, I'm 18, straight, a guy, and a freshman in college in Florida. I have a steady girlfriend that I love.
I think you've had countless roadblocks and a lot of unhappiness in your life. But you sound like a very genuine, good person from your story. You don't deserve to be treated the way this girl has treated you. It sounds like your relationship with her is impossible before she works out her own trust issues, which you could help her with. I know you posted this months ago, so I assume you and her are over, but I hope I can give you some consolation anyhow. From my opinion, you did not cheat on her. You did nothing wrong. You need to keep thinking and doing trial & error to figure out who you want to be with and who you are. There is no right answer. You have to do what is right for you. These are important life choices, and they are entirely up to you. The guy you talk about sounds like a really good person as well. If you are still together, I hope all is well. Anyhow, I hope you figure things out, and I wish you the best!
Good luck. :)