Broke My Best Friends Heart

Ok here's the story. I have been seeing a woman that I love dearly and has been my best friend for the past 5yrs and we have been living together for the past year.
We also just relocated to California, from MA. Where I left a good job, friends and family to be with her, because she got a job offer out here and Cali is where she's from.

Well, I have been depressed since we have been here for various reasons, I found myself looking through on line ads for call girls, yes, I did contact some via email and sent my phone # but I never met up with any one, because I couldn't bring myself to do it.
She found the emails on my laptop one day and confronted me on it, being scared that I had been caught I of course denied it at 1st (like a dumb-***).
I can't fully explain or understand my own self, why I did it. How can I began to even explain it to her and help her understand?
All I know is that I am greatly sorry , it feels like I  have  killed my best friend and I don't want to loose her/us. She is the only woman that I have found that I want to settle down and spend the rest of my life with.

markg markg
36-40, M
3 Responses Nov 4, 2007

maybe its something completely different thats missing, I think alot of us carry this void around in us that makes us feel empty and we try to fill that void....

Jessyjames.......You have a girlfriend, and yet you feel like there is something missing in your life. Am I right?<br />
Yes, I have a GF & yes there are times I feel like something is missing in my life, but I do not feel as if anything is missing from our relationship. She has loved me unconditionally. The only link I can see is when I get depressed I tend have an impulsive behavior.

I hope she forgives you...<br />
<br />
{{slaps hand}} dont do that again...:)