Can I Ever Move Forward?

I am embarrassed to say I cheated on my now spouse twice when we were engaged. Then, 4 years later, I had a one-night stand. Then, about 10 years later, I had another one night stand. Then, 2 years ago, I entered a 6-month affair. The latter was vastly different, in that the emotional attachment was the crux of the relationship.

My husband is a good man who has never deserved the pain and hurt I have caused him.

I don't know how to move forward. He has contacted an attorney. Our two children are grown--one 28 and the other 19. Some people tell me I should get an attorney immediately. I've told my husband that, since he's decided to leave our marriage, he needs to secure the attorney. Should I get one despite if he gets one or not?

I have been in therapy for 18 months and have been able to discern and articulate reasons for my infidelities. Some people say infidelity is never one person's fault. Or that problems in a marriage are one person's fault. And yet, I'm been persuaded that, in our case, that is true. I cannot think of anything he has done to warrant my behavior.

I would like to hear others' perspectives and would be grateful for any response. I am a Christian woman who, despite these failings, have been faithful to my husband and have lived a life of integrity and honesty.

Thank you.

terrii terrii
46-50, F
4 Responses Jul 17, 2010

In my opinion you two need to go through with the divorce and you need to spend some serious time working on issues you may have and what they are. For awhile at least there are going to be people that are not going to like you very much right now(including your children). That's just something your going to have to learn to deal with, sometimes when you make the decision to cheat there are real consequences that come as a result of it. Even though cheating is a selfish act the consequences are never selfish because it always affects alot more people than just you.

First learn to be honest with yourself...... on some level you are not being honest with yourself. You say for example that you are Christian: If you really were then you simply would not have done this. Somewhere in you there is a disconnect between how you see yourself, and how you really are. Self honesty does NOT have to be painful, in fact it can be so liberating when it happens, work on this and see a therapist if you need to. Insecurity and fear are at the root of most things like this. The pain of a partner cheating is beyond desc<x>ription, do NOT inflict this level of pain ever again, learn to be honest with yourself, and to accept yourself as you are, then you can begin to heal and move on.

Your "life of integrity" went out the window however many years ago it was when you started ******* other men. And there was never a moment of faithfulness in that marriage, so don't try to fool yourself.

In my humble opinion to have sex outside marriage doesn´t necessarily makes you a bad person. Infidelity is an everlasting problem between men and women and everybody has different opinion about it. Problem with cheating is that it involves very strong emotions which most people don´t know how to handle . Some people are ok with it, some are scared of even possibility of this happening. I am the latter case and the only way that i found to deal with these emotions is to face them. <br />
I think it´s normal if your husband feels bad about what u have done and that it may unfortunately destroy your relationship.But it´s not a necessity. I hope that in the end of it, it will be everything ok, for both of you.