I Cheated On My Husband, And Lost My Best Friend

Ok. So, I know this is going to hurt alot seeing this down on paper.  I cheated on my husband twice. We have been together for 15 years, and married for 8. We have 3 children. Both the times I was with somebody else, we were seperated and I told him I wanted a divorce before both happened or were even a thought. Both times he refused a divorce. We were living in different states and our marriage was difficult. I love him with every part of me, never in any thought did I want to be with someone else or spend the rest of my life with someone else. He knew of both affairs when they started, and I was willing to give him the divorce, because it was the right thing to do. He refused saying we could work it out. Yet, he still lived in another state. I was angery and hurt and very lonely. It pushed me on the day our 3rd child was born, the same day as my birthday, he stayed for a few hours then left for Texas. I felt so hurt and ashamed, thats when the fighting started. A year later I threatened divorce and I wanted to find someone else. No change. 3 months later I have my 2nd affair. Now we have come to divorce. I am lost and ashamed of myself. He says he still loves me and wants to be with me, just that a full divorce may help him get over what hes feeling and that he has hopes of us being remarried to eachother. I know with every part of me what I did was wrong. Im disgusted and ashamed for all of it. I should have got the divorce before anything happened. Now I cannt change what he is feeling, or make him have the love for me he once had. I do deserve that, but why cannt he try and work it out for our marriage? Will a divorce help him or make us final? I will NEVER cheat again. I know everyone says that, but with both times I was honest about them and wanted a divorce before anything happened and through both I was sick about what I was doing and just wanted my husband. It was a stupid way to act out and I'll pay for it forever. How can I try and mend my marriage? Prove I will never stray from him again? Im lost without him, I was a mess during both affairs but I felt so unwanted by him and was trying to moveon. I am trying to get mentally healthy now and move forward and give him his time. Its hard because I have never been through such a tough time and not had him beside me. He says he knows I'm sorry and he is trying to forgive me, but I cannt tell if hes willing to continue to have a life with me, or love me from a distance. Any advice will help. I'm sure I'm going to hear alot of "that wehat you get", your a bad person...and all that. And I deserve that, cheating is never the answer, and I made a HUGE mistake that I can never take back.
wslassiter wslassiter
26-30
15 Responses Jul 19, 2010

Cheating doesn''t just happen. You wanted it to. My wife cheated on me in the beginning of our relationship. I can tell you for a fact you can never get over it. But you can move on and forward. Let him go.

Stone,<br />
he is saying just mere words. Just ignore him.<br />
You dont need to ask help from law to ignore that. I ignore lame comments, I dont need the law (so far) to stop wasting my time.

IVO13, <br />
<br />
If you read my last post, I said Leave me alone, in case you forgotten about the laws about bullying or harassment. here is the link, this should help everyone. Okay. <br />
<br />
http://www.ncsl.org/default.aspx?tabid=13495

Ivo13, <br />
<br />
Its sure is funny when you insult disabled people liken unto myself. People like you make me cringe at the computer. Oh by the way, your post toward me is classified as a cyberbully. You are making me feel uncomfortable. I will not take anymore of your negative comments. I rest my case here. <br />
<br />
To the Original poster, <br />
<br />
I hope and pray you and husband can work out this problems in the marriage. Cheating is never the answer. It always make problems workst. <br />
<br />
@ skeptic, <br />
<br />
Thanks for your defense. Never mind Ivo13, he is way offline from being mature. Anyone who cyberbullies do not realize that the law is being violated. You take care for now. <br />
<br />
Stone of refuge

Wow, nice try, you almost seemed rational. Too bad arrogance is still not intelligence.<br />
If you knew the sad reality you would be very sad with your little life... Nothing like delusions of wisdom to make you feel better. <br />
Keep trying pretending you are wiser than everybody else, specially people you know nothing about. <br />
You will be dumped by many more exs. But that´s your problem, not mine...

Yes, we know how mocking people with low childish insults are typical of a life full of experience in human relationship. I suppose I never had nor saw discussions when I was studying and talking with other people. After all, you know everything about private life of strangers right?<br />
<br />
Oh, and I have lots of experience with arrogant people who love to insult and mock people. Many of them teenagers and children when I had their age. Too young to have grey beard.<br />
Some use your language when they didnt like my ideas. Too bad my answers werent funny to them, judging by their the way they stop smiling and laughing...<br />
You are just another one, with the dubious privilege of being old enough to act with more maturity.<br />
And your "going trough" you talk is just sex and I`m talking about mockery/insults.<br />
<br />
thanks showing me that simple minded people still think that arrogance is intelligence. <br />
<br />
But at least your arrogant insults are not so low: glad my contribution to make you enjoy your life helped and improved your conversation. ;)

Ivo13<br />
Guess immaturity and childish comments are incurable. Old age doesn't bring wisdom, it seems, if your photo is really yours . But if all ignorance is voluntary, then refusal to grow up and pettiness must be too. But some have more lack of wit than others.

Well, to the original poster, All I can say, You and your husband can flock to church to lay all infidelities on the alter, Asking Jesus for forgiveness, It will work on both parties. Oh by the way, the children are scarred beyond desc<x>ription. Mom cheated on her husband, her husband cheated on her. wow, double standard, talking about morals, You are in need of some guidance in the counseling to straighten out the kinks in life.

I was in your situation in reverse. I was cheated on twice by my partner but BOTH times I did not know. I forgave her the first time and it took EVERYTHING that I had inside of me to forgive her. She got a second chance only to cheat on me again.. The first time I learned that "we" were worth working for. I put the first episode behind us and about a year later found out she had cheated on me again. (There could be other incidents but those were the ONLY two I knew about).<br />
When someone cheats on you, besides it feeling like you are going to die of disgust and hate towards that person, the relatinoship is NEVER the same again. See, when you love someone you TRUST them and you THINK they would not do anything to betray you. When it happens, specially more than once, YOU made the decision TWICE that "your relationship' was not worth it. Love is an ACTION. If you ACTIVELY ACT on destroying your marriage that's what you did. I love poor children everywhere. I wish I could do something to HELP them....but I'm not takin ANY action and as far as I'm concerned, words are just words...You love him and don't see yourself spending your life with anyone else....BUt you sure were not thinking of that when you cheated and TWICE. You blame him for not giving you a divorce in time for your "fun" which is the same mentality as my ex.."Let me have my fun and I''ll let my betrayed partner deal with the clean-up." YOU made the decision to act out on your desires, and your husband had NOTHING to do with that...He refused to give you the divorce because he wanted to work on things. Your response to that was :"ok well, I'm going to have my fun anyway."<br />
Let him go......the only thing you can do as find someone else and never cheat again.,....From my perspective, one person can only take so much pain and I will NEVER EVER even talk to her again......You two have kids and will have to....but honestly....let him go and instead of looking for his forgivness, look for forginvess within yourself cause it cannot be easy to realize you destroyed probably the best part of your life and the person that loved you and trusted you the most.......

So sorry to hear the pain you have bee through. Your life can turn around though. I'm saying a prayer for you and your children now (and the guy too). I think you are going to need to get some help. I think taking care of yourself and the kids should be the top priority at this point. Can you get some friends or family to help work things out? Also, a counselor would be good.

So, just an update. As for remorse, yes believe me I have alot of that. The thought of everything makes me sick. To top it off, it was found out that he has been cheating for years and hiding it from me and his children. This past month our children went to stay with him, not only did he have random women around the kids, but he told my children they were all "married" women, yet he was sleeping in the same bed as them WITH my 2 yr. old daughter, and then made very sure to tell my children "dont tell mommy she was here, or her kids. Mommy will get upset" about all 3 of the women. My children came home in tears and were afraid to tell me anything. Not only do I feel horrible about my affair, I am sick because for 8 years I knew what he was doing but believed him when he said he would never do that. As for my children, never once did I lie to them about the man I was seeing. I was very honest and upfront and also showed them the divorce papers before I was even involved. Their father blantely asked and told my kids to lie to me, and now they are refering to their dad as "the liar". They see what is happening to our family and my oldest is sick because he said," why is daddy going to ruin their family now? Isnt that why hes mad at you?" A double standard in front of my kids isnt right. Hes made sure to tell them just how at fault I was and am, yet seems to say if he does it and has been doing it, then its ok and doesnt need to be acknowledged. I have been in counseling for weeks now and am still sick with myself, but worse the true debt that my husband racked up is showing. $ over 500,000 that Im left with, and many other things he has hidden from me in the past 9 years.<br />
Soooo. Cheating is by far never the answer. I made a huge mistake not only to my family but to my self respect. As for my husband, he knows I'm remorseful, but yet cannt seem to come clean to save his life. I will always feel the pain of what I did, mostly for my children, and wonder why after all those years together we feel apart like we did.

I dont get why you both leaving in different states? is he helping you financially? how about the kids?<br />
are you sure he did not had affairs too??

sorry I am on the other side. my wife cheated on me, i know of 6 guys she had done it with. I think there is more but can't prove it. What you did is wrong and if you feel bad, good because he feels 100 times worse. won't get any sympathy from me.

good answer

Sometimes marriage is hard. I know there have been many times in recent years when I would have cheated on her in a heartbeat - IF given that opportunity. No it's never right, but being mistreated makes you feel like it is! Good luck!

http://www.womansdivorce.com/separation-advice.html#SEPARATEACTIONS<br />
I think he is taking you for a ride, just to avoid paying full child support, or avoiding a court order. Contact the womans divorce website and read what you are intitl too, even if you do not get get a lawyer. Only you can be yourself appoint advocate.