Can't Believe This Is Me

When I tell my love story to others, how I met my husband, how we both fell in love and married finally it looks like a fairytale. I met him first at my University. It was not a love from first sight, but our lives made us be closer and closer. We were together in many projects, traveled to man countries together representing youth organization of our University and started to like each other. We were about to open our hearts to each other, but he left to continue his studies abroad...
At that point I understood how important he was for me... We were talking in skype or msn every day. I could not live any single day without hearing his voice and could not sleep without telling him good night. I did not know how long I could handle such a relationship.In summer our lives came together again. I got scholarship for Business German courses in a city, which was 20 minutes from the city he lived. I was very happy. I spent three month in Germany and we traveled to Italy, Spain, Austria, Belgium, France, Hungary, etc. together. Every day of my life was special. With him I had a very strange feeling, the feeling of being complete, the feeling that I found my second part... I decided to move to Germany as soon as I finish my studies and be close to him. We spent one more year on skype and msn, but we handled that. I moved to Germany and then he transferred to my University. We lived together and the life with him was wonderful. I was sure this is a man of my life and we got married last July. 
In December I graduated from my University in Germany and had to think about my internship abroad. My University offered me a very good internship opportunity, but it was in US, very far from Europe, where I lived and far from him. It was a great opportunity and I decided to accept it. I thought if we handled many years far from each other, then we can handle these 8 month as well.
Seven month I lived in a small town and was just counting the days when this internship will over and I will see my love again. 7 month seemed 7 years to me... But the last month everything changed. My boss was promoted to another position and a new guy came to his position. From the beginning I felt some magnetic relationship to my new boss. I always tried to keep the distance, talk only about the work, but was lost when he was looking into my eyes... I could see the whole world in his eyes... And could not lie looking into them. Of course he understood that I was not such a cold person as I tired to be. One day we had a celebration at work and I was very drunk. He drove me home and I hardly remember anything else. Just know I saw him sleeping next to me when I woke up during the night. I could not say any single word when he woke up in the morning. Whole day I was asking myself "Why I did it?". But the issue now is not why I did, but why I continue doing that. On Saturday we wanted to go to the beach with our coworkers and I went there. I tried to behave as nothing happened, but every time he looked at me I did not know what to do. He asked me to stay longer at the beach and talk a bit. We did not even kiss , were just lying under the sun and talking about different things. This was the best day I had since I came to States. We both did not want this day to be over and decided to go to the bar together. The day finished at my place, when we decided to continue drinking. At one point I almost lost my control again and we were about to have sex again, but I stopped him and said I want to learn from my mistakes and don't want to repeat them. He left without saying any word and I did not hear anything from him whole Sunday. On Monday, I learned that he is no vacation and will come back in 2 weeks. It is first time in my life I can't control my feelings... I talk every day with my husband, but my eyes are on my cell phone waiting a call from HIM... Today, I even asked him to meet with me, but he said he no longer wants to be my mistake and wants to forget all good moments with me. Now, he is preparing for a trip to Vegas and I don't know how to handle to be without him for such a long time, especially when I am leaving in three weeks... I have everything in my life, husband who loves me, family, friends, job waiting for me in my country... I planned my whole life and knew where I wanted to be and how to get there. Now, I just can't control myself and risk to loose everything... I never lie and could not imagine I would cheat one day, but the worst thing is that I don't regret that I cheated on my husband, but regret that I made my Boss go by stopping him and telling him it was just a mistake I need to learn from. May be it was the best thing I could do at that time and I did right, but I regret... I am so afraid that he will never look at me as he did before, or never touch me the way he did. I can't believe this is me... Please help me...
lunainlove lunainlove
14 Responses Aug 9, 2010

What you need to learn from this is that you are a person who needs your lover (husband, whatever) present in your life, physically, to remain attached to them. That's not a terrible thing. Apologize to your Boss, telling him you were vulnerable and that he's a nice guy, but you're married. Then go back to your husband, and don't leave him again for work or anything else. I suspect you'll soon get back what you had, and have a long and happy life with him.

The world is full of stupid people,and you are one!

wow so nic story please add me

Forget your boss and concentrate on your faithful husband.

Ditto. I just hopes she saw your message and actually follows your advice.

Wait a minute, what was it this person wanted help with? Her hurt feelings from missing the person SHE WAS CHEATING ON HER HUSBAND WITH?

Though lunainlove probably has some degree of personality disorder, likely narcissistic or antisocial personality disorders, which allows her to lie and cheat with no regret other than for her own feelings, perhaps we could get a more specific type of disorder classified for just this situation. Call it the Paula Broadwell Syndrome, or Broadwell Personality Disorder, after the more famous cheater who likewise obsessed over her lover with no regard for her husband. Then perhaps we can get them institutionalized and locked away from doing further harm to other well-meaning members of our society.

my honest opinion, hang yourself, one less retard to worry about :-)

Let me tell you something your not going to want to heat but I'm going to tell you anyway. These crazy in love feelings you have for this other guy are nothing more than pains of lonliness and longing for the companionship of your husband. When we put ourselves into positions were we are away from our loved ones for long periods of time and think nothings going to happen were just kidding ourselves. I'm not saying that everyone that stays away for extended stays are going to cheat but you put yourself in a position were it's more likely to happen. When you add in the lonliness and emptiness we feel being away from the ones we love we start to justify all kinds of things we wouldn't normanlly do. Tell your husband and throw yourself to his mercy(your the one in the wrong) and seek counseling.

Right now you are playing with fire but only your husband is being burnt for no fault of his . <br />
If you want to continue your affair , do it honestly by first leaving your husband . Telling him that you cheated on him & want to be with this new guy . I m sure he will let you go .

you were in love with your husband and it became comfortable, you knew each other well. over time his flaws or just every day little relationship imperfection made things real and less magical to you. you went away, had lust for your boss and projected everything good from your marriage (without any of the negatives or realities) onto the boss. the feelings weren't real, any connection you thought you had is a facade. a man who sleeps with another mans wife, or even girlfriend, is not a man capable of the truest most intimate love. you will regret this, you will miss your husband who will probably leave you. I highly doubt the boss man wants anything serious. It was a drunken night stand to him. It was the falling apart of your life, integrity and credibility for you. <br />
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I've been down this road and it's hell on earth.

I am in a similar situation currently and a marraige counselor told me that an affair elicits more sexual desire because of the nature of the relationship. Turn that affair into a legitamate relationship and that passion and craziness may or may not change. You need to decide whether to continue your marraige or the affair... you cannot have both. It's not fair to anyone. You have to be honest with yourself and think about what truly will make you happy. If you do end your marriage, I would take time to be by yourself. Or take time apart right now. Have a trial separation. See what life is like on your own.

The guy came to meet me before he left for Vegas. We were kissing like crazy and I understood that I was not able to stop. And this is more I don't want to stop than I can't stop. And there is no meaning in stopping now, because it doesn't change anything. I had sex with that guy and this means I cheated already. I was thinking about my feelings and understand why I am doing that, what is missing in my life? I know that I love my husband, but I have never had crazy feelings to him. This was calm, gentle feeling and I love him as a part of myself... With another guy it is totally different... It is craziness, passion and I am playing with fire, even though there is high risk to get burned. I know myself and I am sure that I will never have such feelings and I don't want to stop... I know I will regret rest of my life if I stop.

I think the quickie guy is just that. Obviously he does not care for you as much as your husband does based on no communication when you need it. You and your husband have sown many many great years and a foundation together that I think if you are honest, will withstand this as well. It's a tough call to decide if you should come clean or not. Myself, my conscious would eventually kill me. Maybe a counselor could help you through before you make the decision. <br />
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Reminds me of the story "the horse whisperer".

once a trust is broken, it's hard to heal

You made all the right moves, and you will have a great future with your husband. Considering the time span of being away I would be horney too and ready for any action, whether drinking or not. since you did not get pregnant there is nothing to admit too. Let the affair go, as a quickie, or one nite stand, and have a great memory.