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I Cheated On My Husband

I started an inappropriate relationship with my physical therapist that lasted almost three months. There was alot of flirting, touching and sexual advances.I put in just as much as I got out of it and I take full reponsibility for my part. It started with a little flirting and comments, nothing in particular. We didn't really talk much about our spouses. We easily connected and laughed together, joking alot and seeming to just naturally fit together. The first month of therapy I had one appt a week and then things started to move faster the second month when I saw him twice a week. He made a comment about having an affair that I didn't acknowledge earlier in our time together. I didn't consider us as having any kind of "relationship" but I did look forward to our time together and would take extra time getting ready to see him and always placed alot of importance on our time together. We went to an event together with some family of mine where my husband did not come. We had a great time together and overall it felt more like a date in a way.After or around that time we started connecting on facebook and then I met him and his friend at a bar. I danced with his friend most of the night because I was a little freaked out by the idea of how I felt about him and what I knew would happen if I did dance with him. So he was probably a little confused and maybe pissed. Anyway, we all got drunk, went back to his friend's house, I was confusing myself because I was dancing more like a **** at times and maybe acting like I was interested in his friend (which I was NOT). I let my physical therapist (we will call him M) stuff my dollar bills down my pants (I was fully clothed) which later made me question my own dignity and whether he did this because he had no respect for me (I wouldn't blame him - I wasn't respecting myself that night) or if he was pissed at me. So his friend said I could sleep on one half of his bed and I on the other, stupid me, I thought he would honor this code. I tried to sleep on my half and he wanted to spoon. I jumped out of the bed and went on the couch. I then went out on the couch to sleep and couldn't (I had too much energy drink).I wanted M. Had the whole time, just was confused about what was wrong with me for feeling this way when I am married and how I got myself into this situation.I went into M's room and laid in his bed, tapped on his shoulder and then things started. He sort of flipped me over and pulled down my shorts (I was wearing shorts, panties, bra and tank top). He pulled down my panties and I just froze. He flipped me over so I was on m knees (it was kind of fuzzy, not sure how I was in this literal position, he's pretty strong). He then rubbed up and down on me with his boxer/briefs on and I just laid still frozen not sure what was happening and what I wanted. Then he commented about the time and went to sleep. I was stunned. Does this count as cheating? Is THIS what I wanted? M was pretty cold and distant and I wasn't myself that whole night anyway...acting like a slutting dancer, giving all my attention to his friend, confused about if I wanted to move forward with this and how, drinking more than ever to fight off some of what I felt. Then I just tried to sleep but still couldn't, mostly the energy drink but also the man beside me sleeping that had just treated me coldly like some sort of sexual toy. He slept fine the rest of the night except when I would wake him when I tried to talk to him because I was feeling a mix of irritation, confusion, anger and remorse towards the situation. Finally morning comes and his friend whom had been like a buddy to me the night before seems colder too, M is still sleepy and yet a little more himself, and I just want to get the hell out of there and get my thoughts together. M drives me to my car and asks me what I am doing later that day (not sure if he is attempting to ask me to do something or just trying to make conversation). I just say "see you tuesday" (our normal therapy day). And I leave totally confused about how I acted, how he acted, how I feel and what the hell is going on and what I want. On the way home (to my husband and my daughter) I brake down and call my sisters for support. Later I meet with one of them and tell her everything that has been going on with me for the past couple of month. She is supportive and I end up at a hotel calling my husband and telling him that I want a seperation and that I will come home and get my things and that we will work the rest of it out. It is not because of M, that is part of it, but the main thing is that if I am caught up in something like that then we have some major problems and I shouldn't be married if I am doing things like that. My husband is crying when I get home (he dosen't know the M part yet) and wants me to stay but I won't). I go back to the hotel and my brother-in-law calls me to tell me him and his wife are flying in to try to help us with all of this. I am close to my brother in law Tom and his wife Court. Tom comes to my hotel room the next morning and I tell him everything about M (Tom had cheated on his wife Court before they were married). He is really understanding and supportive and loooks at it from how my husband feels about me and what my husband wants and I end up coming back home with him. He then facilitates the conversation between my husband and I where we talk about everything including the night with M and everything that led up to it. My husband is supportive of me and loves me unconditionally and only wants me to be with him and is willing to do and try everything necessary to heal us. We are going to therapy, we are going to take a vacation together next week, our daughter is going to go to day care twice a week (I am a stay at home mom and I am going nuts being at home as much as I am), my husband and I are going on weekly date nights, my sisters are willing to help wherever they can, I am starting to get out of the house even more than I have doing yoga, tanning, meeting other people (women). I have stopped going to physical therapy with M, this was REALLY hard. I miss him alot and I think about him all the time. This will take time to heal. I love my husband and I tell him everything including that I still have feelings for M. If it had gone even another week with M or I had seen him again (and he felt somewhat the same or was not being cold or distant) it might have gone a different direction. So, you can see that I am emotionally all over the place right now. I think that you can have feelings for more than one person at the same time. But you do have to make a choice. I still have bad days, well, it's only been a little over a week. I have asked M to not contact me. I think that he may have been a little pissed about that. He seemed to have his own mess going on right now. He might be in the middle of a divorce? Not sure on that. He never really opened up with me, mostly because we just laughed alot and flirted together. Wish we could have been just friends. It is hard to loose a friend. Maybe he was more to me than I was to him. Hard pill to swallow. Not much in comparison to everything else that I am dealing with though. My husband has the worst end of all of this, and my child. I have to keep this in mind thru everything. He is being incredible. He had always been there for me. I think the only thing that has led to this for us is our lack of time together just the two of us since having our child (she is 3). Pretty simple. I knew when I first saw M that it was a bad idea. I should have asked for a different therapist right then. You know when you have that feeling?Mine wasen't a feeling...I literally said "Oh ****! Not good!" Hello! Next time, no male doctors, no male friends. I don't expect pitty, I don't even want it. I'm just telling you like it was. It's alot of emotions and I will deal with this in alot of ways for the rest of my life. I hope this helps someone.
denversadgirl denversadgirl 31-35 2 Responses Jun 26, 2011

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Have you gotten my messages? Haven't seen you for a little while - since your "decision"...hope youa re OK!!!

I saw your story and the troubles that you are having. I find myself having a hard time sorting thru what exactly happened between myself and M. I'm not sure if I am making it out to be more than it was or if there was really something there. I think about him all the time and I still have feelings for him. I love my husband and he has stood by me and continues to support me even when I share how I feel (all of it). He is amazing and loves me unconditionally and I feel awefull that I still have unresolved issues with M. I feel better each day but can't stop wondering what if... M was a great man too (besides the fact that he-in the least-was having some sort of affair with a married woman and broke the doctor/patient rules of conduct, to which I am equally to blaime for both). I struggle with my thoughts of both men everyday, but it has only been a short time since it has happened and I hope that with each passing day that my thoughts of M will be less and that it will be clear to me what it all meant and that I can move on feeling stronger and more in-tune with myself and why it all happened. I have already pulled thru alot faster and stronger than I thought that I would. I didn't fall apart, I have had amazing support from my extended family (which even included my husband's side) and my husband and I are putting into action plans to help the areas that led to this. This is all a good plan, but it still doesn't keep me from wanting to reach out to M or keep that connection. I hope this passes, time will tell. Please share your comments, it's helpful to know others who have similiar experiences.