Loneliness And Lack Of Self Esteem

I was married for twenty-five years to a man who never held a job through-out our entire marriage. It was his choice and I had to live with it. I had a high paying job and was respected in my field and he liked to revel in the fact. He thought people saw him as someone because he'd found a wife who kept him.

When we would go out with friends he would put me down during conversations as if to show them he was superior.

My family resented him but I stayed with him out of pride. My mom told me, "Thou art married to a millstone and his weight will bear you down." Still I stuck with him and gave him a reasonably good life. I had two salaried jobs and I gave him the other ATM card to manage as if it was his salary yet he would try to control the other one I held. He was very controlling and would try to choose people I'd associate with.

He refused to have sex with me for many reasons... we were getting old, I would just get tired....etc. We would go for 6 months without sexual intimacy. Although I craved it I thought the fault was mine. So I just tried to grin and bear it.

He encouraged me to work abroad in order to make more money. I sent him home 3 quarters of what I earned. But he remained controlling. When he heard I would go out with friends he would get mad because I seemed to be enjoying myself without him. He couldn't understand I was only battling homesickness.

About a year into my job our boss started reneging on the terms of our contract and threatened to send us home if we complained.

I became very depressed and felt trapped. At about this time a man friend started showing me special attention. He was fun to talk to and seemed to appreciate in me the things my husband seemed to overlook. One night we both got drunk and had a 1 night stand.

I feel guilty but the truth is although I'm not with a man right now I don't want to go back to my husband anymore. I'm planning to divorce him.

Now my husband thinks I'm sexy because I've had time to take care of myself. He wants to have sex now but it's too late because I lost my respect and my love for him.

lonelyexpatmom lonelyexpatmom
51-55, F
3 Responses Jan 5, 2013

May the next half of your life be very satisfying!

I'm actually normally quite conservative but I guess I got vulnerable

I'm really thinking about it