Cheated On Two Husbands With My First Love...

Well my story is a bit different then most here I suspect. It's long so bear with me. I am 35 yrs old and have been married twice. The first marriage took place when I was 19 and I married him to get away from my parents, he married me for what reason I have no idea. I knew the marriage was wrong from the get go and I ended up having an affair with my high school first love that lasted 3 weeks before I broke it off and told my husband. He left me and I moved out of state and back to my parents. That marriage lasted 2 yrs. The thing is, my reason for cheating had to do with my lover...he was my first love and I did it because I still truely loved him. When I was getting divorced the first time he asked me not to go, to stay and try to be with him but I said no...I was too scared he was not mature enough to really be with me..I was 21 and he was 22 at the time.

I moved and 6 months after the divorce I met me second husband. We married 2 yrs later and even though there were problems from the get go I vowed to do things better this time. I was the perfect wife, I did everything for him, put him through school, paid all the bills, worked hard to maintain a good job with great insurance until our first child was born in 2007. We had another in 2009. My second husband is a very angry man. He yelled alot at me, then the kids. He stopped sleeping with me after one year of marriage and I thought maybe it was because he was with some one else but no, it turns out he just isn't that into making love.I wanted to go to counseling, he said no. He hated spending time with us, all we were to him was work. I never realized what a loner and a cold person he was and I kept thinking if I am nice and great to him as I can be he would turn around and be nice back...but he never did. My first love contacted me in 2008 wanting to see if I was single and I told him no and to go away. He tried again in 2010 and that time I told him it would be fine if we were friends on Facebook and that's all we were. Then summer 2012 at a reunion we met up and ended up having an amazing night togeher just talking. That talk turned into a 3 month long affair that ended when he told me he didn't want to be with me since I am steadfastly against having anymore children and he wants them.

Now I am totally heartbroken after losing him. And my husband wants to try to patch things but I feel nothing for him. All the times he told me how much he didn't care for me and screamed at me and the kids broke me. I miss my first love who I am scared is really my true love. I know I can't and don't want anyone else...if ever I was going to cheat, it would be with this one one else. Now I am broken, very alone, and just so sad it hurts to breathe. I try to focus on my children and due to financial constraints, divorce is not an option.
An Ep User An EP User
Jan 10, 2013