What Do I Do Now?

When I met my husband, I was 20.  We were working very closely together on a project for our university, and we fell in love.  I was dating someone at the time, and broke up with him to be with my now-husband.  At nearly 22, we were married.  That was almost four years ago.


I have these lengths of time where I feel very indifferent toward my husband.  During these times, I don't feel attracted to him whatsoever.  I don't really want to even be around him.  I don't know if this is a result of being together too much, or what.


Recently, I started a project where I was working very closely with another man.  When the project was over, I realized that I was going to miss him.  A group of the people from the project got together to have a few drinks, and he and I ended up alone together.  We ended up kissing.  That is as far as it went, but now I can't wait to see him again. 


I don't know what to do now.  I feel like my whole life is wrapped up in my husband's, and I'm not sure how I would get out of it, even if I wanted to.  At the same time, it's not like I think this man is THE ONE.  I understand that the grass always looks greener on the other side, and this man is quite a bit younger than me, too.  No matter what happened, I don't believe that I would marry this man.  Or even end up in a serious relationship with him.  He seems to just be the straw that broke the camel's back. 


My husband picked up on my feeling distant . . . He asked me to make a list of the things I want from a husband.  I simply told him that I would need some time to think about that.  But now he keeps asking me for it.  I don't know what it is that I want from him . . . I know that, since we married, he has gained nearly 100 lbs.  That is definitely a factor in my not being attracted to him.  I feel like he cared about himself a lot more BEFORE we were married.  I also know that, when the time comes, he will make a spectacular father, and that has attracted me to him since day one. 


For now . . . all I know is that I WILL see the other man again . . . Maybe I will know where to go after that.

FallenMaria FallenMaria
22-25, F
26 Responses Aug 10, 2007

It never ceases to amaze me how often people make self destructive, downright bad decisions, all because they have a fragile ego. <br />
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Same old story: some smooth talker comes along, saying just about anything to get into your pants, and you fall for it. Of course, the husband will find out, dump you like a hot potato, and the smooth talker is nowhere to be seen because, let's face it, he doesn't really want to put up with you or your nonsense -- he just wants a piece of fresh *****! You and your ex-family are all miserable and profoundly damaged, just because you needed your fragile little ego stroked.

Do both of yourselves a favor now! Get a divorce and both of you need to move on!!!<br />
If you can't make a list, don't know if you even love your husband, are turned off because of his weight, you already have your answer. Better to move on now and be honest with yourself and your husband.

I feel so similarly it's shocking. I got married to my high school sweetheart, my first serious relationship. We married after a long distance relationship of 9 months when he lived in Japan. He feels like he got to "choose me" which sealed the deal for him. We were 20 and 21. I convinced myself that those periods of indifference were hormonal cause we were apart. I said it wouldn't be the same once he got back. But its happened. I can't help rebelling against this prescribed life. I find myself searching for a different option.

it sounds like he is just like every other guy (me being one of them) that got too comfortable with his lover. i have no advice or anything im just lettin you know that he is less concerned about himself bc he is no longer trying to attract your attention. subconciously. sucks for you. make sure you and that guy you work with are clear that nothing ever happened between you and that it never will and then you two can be friends. When your husband asks why you are so happy and giddy all the time tell him that you feel much better ever since joining the gym and suggest that he join as well. If he says yes you get your leaner meaner hubby that you have been dreaming of. If he says no you enjoy two hours of whatever time for yourself. Good luck.

you have a nice and sensitive husband.<br />
am currently almost leaving my husband bcos he just thinks its the womans job to make the marriage work<br />
Tell him what is making him unattractive to you.<br />
MY soon to be ex husband is not motivated to do anything,stays home complain about my job,spends my money,and feels he is the boss.<br />
easy to fall in love but we must face facts that we need to keep being attractive to each other.

Woman are like cars more milage more problems every man when a women gets close to 30's dump her before she dumps you. First sign complains that you don't give attention to her stage 1. You want to have sex all the time and she avoids stage 2 (dump her now !) in the middle of stage 2 she will find an affair that she thinks that is her soul mate, give her attention, blah, blah. Be I men and dump her in the stage 1.

My friend Brad, found out his mother cheated on his dad 10 years after it happened and 5 years after they divorced. His dad is a nice guy like your husband sounds like. The dad got over it but the kids of the lover found out and told Brad.<br />
He hasn't spoken to his mom in 30 years even though they live in the same city. She didn't get invited to his wedding and She has only seen her 3 grand daughters by chance, and missed the oldest's wedding last year.<br />
Moral. If you husband is a ****, then if you cheat your kids will later forgive you.<br />
If he is a great guy... Then break up with him first, or get a vibrator.

Keepon and MyExtendedPlay are so right on. It gives me halt to my own fantacies. And going through the same cycles with yet other partner is so very very common. Here's another thing: Women, as well as men, put on pounds when they are complacent / not in a hopeful searching mode. So the men start eyeballing the women who are much more HWP than they are. And vice versa. Green green grass the other side of the fence, or green green grass of home.

Your call, you know yourself better. Do you think your conscience will be clear? ..... and one other thing, you will have an amazing time that will change your life, but once you cross the line, you'll do it again......

Well I think you are have to do what makes you feel comfortable. You need to understand you might get caught and if you do are you willing to loose it all. If so then go for it. If not then tell you husband what is bugging you and don't cut it short to be nice. You need to tell really how you feel.

You need to sit down and think about what you really want. Talk with your husband and do not gloss over the 100 lb weight gain that is turning you off. It really sounds like it is time for some brutally honest conversations with your husband his reaction will tell you alot and whether you will be able to repair your relationship. If he is not willing to try then you are getting a clear signal that it is over

Keepon - really true and intellectual advice. Probably the most food-for-thought I've ever come across. Thanks.<br />
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FallenMaria, I know exactly how you feel.<br />
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pkham, counseling is the best way to go - I agree. I need counseling.

Have you ever told your husband how you feel ? I find that women have all these issues with the partners but fail to come up front. <br />
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Here are some simple truths about us guys- we dont get your subtle signals we need to be told straight out.<br />
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Last night I was working at a club and I met this stunning 36 year old- she was hot, elegant and every guy wanted to chat to her but didnt muster up the courage. <br />
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I started chatting to her and she told me she was celebrating her 36 birthday with her sister and was waiting for her husband to arrive. As we got chatting she told me that in a relationship if the husdband misses the point a woman has to take the lead and spice things up in a relationship.<br />
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Do you remember how excited and aroused you used to get when you first met your husband? I am sure you used to do it anywhere- why dont you relive the times you had and have an affair with your husdband?<br />
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But, if you even care about him and there is no way you can change your feelings then let him go and you move on. At the end you wouldnt wanna be in your husbands shoes.<br />
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A good book to read is called "Female infedelity" you should read it.

Your marriage sounds like it's doomed whether or not you have a fling with this other guy, so you might as well have some fun and let the chips fall where they may. Your crappy marriage is driving you to seek pleasure elsewhere, if not now, eventually. Go with your urges, it can't get any worse and it sounds like you owe yourself a good time.

You still have time to make your life what you want it. Divorce is not the end of the world. too many people get married these days anyway. You need to do what will make you happy. If your husband can't grow with you then you need to walk away. And for god's sake don't get pregnant!!

I am a married man, who has never cheated on his wife. However. You only get one life. I would say if you have to do it, and you could keep it on the DL well? You only get one life......If it doesn't hurt anyone, and you can deal with it. I dont know. I know it is not the right way to think, but I am starting to realize that as I have stated twice now. I only get one life. When it is over it is over. I am not religious so an after life would be a major bonus. Damn, life is short

Search deep. If you love your husband, don't cheat because its so very difficult to end a love affair. Do you remember the passion you first felt when you met your husband? That was caused by a biological imperative and it will happen (is happening) with the new guy too. Once it's in motion, ending it goes against everything nature has programmed into you to ensure that you reproduce and ending it will hurt you both terribly. You're obsession with him now will only get worse if you sleep with him and then it will take everything you have to end it and go back to your husband. <br />
Also, don't confuse your ambivalence toward your husband with the idea that he's not "the one." No matter who you're with, you're feelings will eventually become dispassionate. That's because you need to re-establish yourself as a seperate person so you can be together as two seperate people. The distance you feel is created by your instinct toward independence as your own person now that your infatuation and romance with your husband are gone. This is the natural progression in any relationship, so think hard before hitting the reset button with another man. Unless you get past this stage with someone, you will bounce back to the start again and again.<br />
Take it from me, it's worth the struggle to become your own person again and stay together, if he's a good guy. Your relationship will be different, but it will be more real than ever. Tell him he's fat and you feel ambivalent and go from there. The shock of honesty now will hurt far less than it will after the deed.

Search deep. If you love your husband, don't cheat because its so very difficult to end a love affair. Do you remember the passion you first felt when you met your husband? That was caused by a biological imperative and it will happen (is happening) with the new guy too. Once it's in motion, ending it goes against everything nature has programmed into you to ensure that you reproduce and ending it will hurt you both terribly. You're obsession with him now will only get worse if you sleep with him and then it will take everything you have to end it and go back to your husband. <br />
Also, don't confuse your ambivalence toward your husband with the idea that he's not "the one." No matter who you're with, you're feelings will eventually become dispassionate. That's because you need to re-establish yourself as a seperate person so you can be together as two seperate people. The distance you feel is created by your instinct toward independence as your own person now that your infatuation and romance with your husband are gone. This is the natural progression in any relationship, so think hard before hitting the reset button with another man. Unless you get past this stage with someone, you will bounce back to the start again and again.<br />
Take it from me, it's worth the struggle to become your own person again and stay together, if he's a good guy. Your relationship will be different, but it will be more real than ever. Tell him he's fat and you feel ambivalent and go from there. The shock of honesty now will hurt far less than it will after the deed.

I cheated on my husband too... I have the same feelings you do that I just feel so distant from him that I can't stand him anymore. He ignores me and constantly leaves with his friends until early hours in the morning... Well He found out and now I'm living with my mother with a baby and I'm completely alone. I don't know how to feel about it. I want him back for security issues but I know he could never and will never love truly make me happy.. It's the hardest thing I've ever had to go through.

You got married too young.<br />
Now you are going to have to live with it or fix it.

"just don't get so addicted to the cheating that you can't even sleep with him anymore." I don't think this is really good advice..<br />
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Try resolve the situation with your husband and if not counseling, take time to get your head around things, don't complicate things more by seeing this other person, it'll throw a spanner in the works even if things aren't all fireworks in the marriage right now.<br />
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You took your vows & made a mistake kissing another, learn from it instead of using it as an invitation. If your husband knew gaining 100 pounds could possibly save the marriage and you lusting after another man, I think he would be willing to lose 200<br />
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I know I'm not much fun with my advice or am not the best person to give it, but it does bother me when I read some "open-minded" comments<br />
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Hope all goes well Maria

You should follow your feelings wherever they lead you...the passion might make things better with your husband. Just don't get so addicted to the cheating that you can't even sleep with him anymore. I almost had that problem with my girlfriend, and they she got suspicious. You have to learn to balance it all.

Dear... You need to know that it (seeing the OM again, after all this desire and with just one kiss, will be a sex affair to the next step... So you should think about your marriage before it happened. After you go to bed with the OM maybe will be too late to fix.

I got married when I was (barely) 18. We have had our ups and downs but we are still married. When I think of the future I cannot picture it without my husband. Currently we are talking about (arguing about) going to counseling, so I will definantly piggyback that idea. A relationship works both ways though. Meaning you have to figure out how much you want to give to fix any issues and you have to know how much your husband does. I really wish you the best in this matter... Look foward to updates.

FallenMaria,<br />
I know exactly how you feel. me being 20 and married for almost 2 years. It is crazy how you almost start to kind of regret being married so young, you wonder what it would be like with other men you meet.

i;m certainly the last one that should give advice on marriage, seeing as how i've been married twice.. however, counselling is i think the first thing one should consider, do you love this man enough to want to work things out. second, i really think if you can come up with that list and mention the weight gain (you have to be honest) he would get a clearer picture. it's always exciting when you've been with someone awhile, to be attracted to someone else but.... try to find out what you want to do about your marriage before you stray too far....... good luck!!!