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Regret Every Second

As far as adulterous wives, I think I win first prize. I was two months away from retiring from my job, looking forward to being a stay at home mom. Our 10 year anniversary was a month away, and we were attending marriage classes at our church. I ran into a boyfriend from 21 years back, someone who had hurt me, but we had been very close. Of all the people to run into, it HAD to be him! Initially, the phone converssation was like it used to be. We talked for hours, which led to text messaging, which began to bring back feelings in both of us. In my mind, I was receiving the undivided attention I had so wanted from my husband. It felt good. Eventually, the talking became intimate, and the affair began. During the two months, I "celebrated" 10 years of marriage, renewed my wedding vows, and retired from my job. The night of my retirement, I was with the other man. I didn't do this because I was unhappy with my marriage. I had no intentions of leaving my husband and four children. I simply loved the attention that was showered on me by this man.  Well, my husband found out, and I admitted everything. He immediately moved out of the house. It's been two months, and life is hell. The kids just know that Dad is really busy at work, and helping Grandpa with his new house. Every day, I feel more and more lost. How could I have done this? So many memories, now meaningless to my husband. I can say that his love for me was deeper and stronger than I ever knew. I know that now. I don't know how we will end up, but I can only pray that he comes home and gives me a chance to be his wife again.

mamtel mamtel 41-45, F 32 Responses Jan 26, 2010

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I am not a man hater, I love male company, but WHY WHY WHY is it ''ok'' when a man cheats he gets a pat on the back yet us poor girls get labelled ******? makes me MAD!! Men who cheat are just as much to blame. I kind of cheated on my partner. Me and another guy kissed lately but I stopped it. I didn't sleep with him because I realise I loved my husband too much. I will never sleep with another man while in a relationship, but I am ashamed to say I have been emotionally unfaithful.

I don't know where you live where people treat men other than DIRT. Men are dirt just by being male to a lot of women.

By the way...emotional unfaithfulness is the GREATER transgression in my opinion. physical stuff is just physical stuff..it doesn't matter nearly as much as emotional unfaithfulness.

i must be missing something a lot of men hate other men who cheat dstop being a misandrist grow up and stop assuming we think its okay when men cheat you obiviously deep down hate bravo just another woman who shows me women dont care about men thank you.

A man who cheats is given a pat on the back? LOL. Maybe, but by his friends not his wife.

you teach people a life lesson: women's legs are easy to spread apart.

It's because they are IMMATURE their ENTIRE LIVES and "Waaaaaahhhh, I want ATTTENTION...ATTENTION" like they are some stupid INFANT. They never grow out of it and they even Trumpet that **** when they are adults as if it's something to be proud of. A frakkin serial killer could pay "attention" to them and they'd **** the guy!

I would love to hear your story. I mean, hating the male with such passion must have a root cause. What happened?please do share.

Your story reminds me of my own. Only I am the husband and my never happy, self destructive, and supremely self centered spouse is the wife. I found out she had cheated multiple times, and I was devastated. I work, clean, cook...do everything. She crumbled as soon as I finished putting her through college and told her to get a job. As soon as she had to actually work and do everything just like me, she fell into depression and a cycle of extreme selfishness. I now sit here in the house, taking care of our 2 small children, she is with some guy, and I cannot wait for the divorce to be finished so I can move on. The right way.

Finish one relationship before you start another. It may take 2 to tango, but it only takes 1 to **** up a duet. Ill never trust her again...and not a friend either. No friend of mine.

He who is without sin cast the first stone.

Listen im going through the samething and im a husband. This woman I gave my last name to and two beautiful daughters walk on out on me and our daughters. And ceated with the co-worker that works at our job. You know how much that hurt. But people praise her and her family never once pick up a phone to call not once but I was the bastard the lame etc etc. I work and go to school I took this woman to Miami AC... at the time it was a group thing a. This woman who was surpose to be my wife bestfriend was cheating and doing nasty things... I forgave and forgave in done with biting the bullets shot at me. I didnt cheat in our marriage not once. And she sh*ted on my on. Our anversery just to go out with friends. She was unthankful nasty a bitter... our marriage was not bad but all the emotional and pyshical abuse was a lot on bothsides and I still walk thru hell and back for this woman

Your story caught my eye...I have no kids but I'm currently going through the same thing as you were. My betrayed spouse has moved out as well and filed for divorce....I was wondering how your story ended up? Did you and your husband end up reconciling? If so, how long we're you separated before that happened (as I'm going out of my mind now).

Thank you

I have must respect for my ex wife now than i have ever had .For years she tried to blame me for her cheating ,but finally had to woman up it was all on her.My closest friend who,s a therapist had counsel many marriage couple,said the only difference between men and women ,is women will only accept resposinbility when all the excuses are struck down ,men on the other hand knows when they screw up.Here,s what i learn ,if you,re the one crush by your spouse cheating,then you,re the victim .The person that violated the marriage vows gets crush later.We all reap what we sow,no exception.

Trust is not given out easily you can't expect him to give you a medal for your behavior. Any male in his right mind would do what he did.

You said " so many memories were meaningless to your husband" hmmm you didn't care when the other guy was pumping you.

Anyways every action has a reaction. Good riddens

I cant believe everyones saying poor you...Poor kids...poor husband....Im sure they werent in your thoughts when you were doing your "Nasty" but I do believe in 4giveness...so pray...and humble yourself to your husband and children....if you feel theyre worth it...But dont blame him or the kids for your total disregard of them...<br />
Semper Fi

Dbeauty did you read the same story, what the HELL are you talking about!

my husband had just cheated on me and his excuse is that i gave our three children too much attention and not him...the actual cheating is bad enough but the trust -well that is forever broken and cannot be repaired.<br />
I didnt know anything was wrong we were still being intimate and the only way i found out was because he left his email account open-i asked him if everything was ok between us and he said it was great he continued saying everything was fine even when i asked him if he was having an affair and he even suggested that i was mental..that night he bought home flowers saying i love you ..and only you and then i told him that i had read all the emails and he walked out.<br />
He is still lying to me even whn he has nothing to loose.<br />
i didnt know that i could hate a man that i had loved so deeply i have never been unfaithful to him and dont know why he didnt have the balls to leave me which would have broken my heart but would have let me be able to respect him but not left me hating him feeling that i never want him near me<br />
I dont think anyone can conceive of how much hurt being unfaithful can mean to another person- i have so much rage and are trying desperately to not say anything in front of my children but hell who is this man that i trusted he is obviously not the person i thought he was and where do i go from here. i dont want to be bitter and hateful, i loved being a family and yes i care deeply for my children but now i just feel so so sad.<br />
I am not sure even if your husband can forgive you for your betrayal that he could ever trust you again and if he cant then what hope have u got for ever getting back together?

there is no excuse you cheated did u ever think that u were not giving the attention to your husband that he needed ? People always talk about how they felt and the reason for cheating , did u not think your spouse felt the same as you and still he didnt cheat . Oh and ex's are ex's for a reason he was not the one you married so why spend anytime with him he is in your past for a reason. Oh and why is it someone elses fault because you decided to cheat ,we are adults and need to stop making excuses you were tempted with lust and you as a adult decide to take it ,people its called LIFE we have to stand strong and make adult decisions . Please stop with all the excuses. Mrs . you need to soul search and get professional help . May GOD BLESS you and your marriage to make it threw these tough times.

there is no excuse you cheated did u ever think that u were not giving the attention to your husband that he needed ? People always talk about how they felt and the reason for cheating , did u not think your spouse felt the same as you and still he didnt cheat . Oh and ex's are ex's for a reason he was not the one you married so why spend anytime with him he is in your past for a reason. Oh and why is it someone elses fault because you decided to cheat ,we are adults and need to stop making excuses you were tempted with lust and you as a adult decide to take it ,people its called LIFE we have to stand strong and make adult decisions . Please stop with all the excuses. Mrs . you need to soul search and get professional help . May GOD BLESS you and your marriage to make it threw these tough times.

I also cheated on my husband of 4 years, about 4 months ago. I had been considering leaving him for 2 years prior to that. I spent those 2 years begging and pleading with him to listen to me, just listen to what I am blatantly asking you to do for our marriage. In one ear and out the other. Why do things have to get so very very bad before anyone listens...this is my question to all you men. You think you can say "I do" and then give up? That is not the way it works. It was so very desolate and lonely in my house...with him there. We are getting divorced now, and we have a 3 year old daughter. Everyday I wake up and think "you stupid girl, what have you done?!?!" I have ruined our lives, I take full responsibility for my actions, and regret it every single day. The man I cheated with...he is a very close friend to me now, closer emotionally to me than my husband ever was. Unfortunately it is a very tumultuous relationship between us...single mother and all. Was it worth it...no. I can honestly say that the tremendous amount of pain I have caused, not only to my husband, but so importantly, to my daughter, then there is my Mother, my Sister and myself also, it was not worth that. Am I happy with my friendship with the "other man"? Yes. We have stopped sleeping together, and I feel closer to him than I ever did to my husband. He doesn't shower me with attention, but he listens, he gives feedback, he isn't harsh and cruel and absentminded when he speaks to me. Do I wish it would have worked out between him and I...yes. He makes me laugh, and smile, and like I said, he listens, gives feedback... Cheating is wrong, very very wrong. I have mixed emotions about this all, but I know that I regret the pain I have caused, I regret it deeply. It says a lot though, that I have a deeper emotional connection with a man I have known for 4 months than I ever did with a man I was married to for 4 years. I am not passing blame, I am simply saying...men...if you give up on us, at some point we will give up on you too. A relationship goes both ways.... Good luck to you all. It feels like the pain I have caused everyone will never go away, the misery will never cease. It feels like this is what I am doomed to, this desolate, lonely, miserable existance. The guilt may consume me! But, would living the rest of my life being married to someone who was too macho to show me any kind of emotion, someone who could sit and listen to me cry and beg for hours and not do anything to change it...would that life have been any better? I don't know. Seems to me like there were no good options.

see, so you want men to listen?
And what have you done to contribute in making your marriage better before YOU made the decision to cheat?
He may not have been perfect, but it was YOUR choice to cheat knowing fully what you were doing !!!
Men don't choose to give up on their spouses, they just don't know better. We, as humans, go to school very young to learn math, history, how to spell and write, but they don't teach relationships...that's a learning experience.
Stop pointing fingers at men being the ones who give up....try working on your marriage before knowing what you want to get into.
Cheating is a choice, it doesn't just happen !!!

all i hear is me me me, did you talk to him or at him did you ever try to make him feel special, sexy huh?, no of course ypou did'nt most women want realionships to be about them and not the man, have you ever considered he knows about your lover turned friend and how close you are you really show me love is'nt real thanks for that you misandrist idiot.

You can really tell the man haters. The wife betrays a man that loves her deeply and the man haters determine it must be his fault. Give me a break. I just hope he finds someone why REALLY loves and RESPECTS him. I hope you get what you deserve, a lonely life filled with regret.

Coming from an individual who is seperated from his wife; woman today are f***ed up in the head. They get a good man and leave them claiming they are unhappy and don't care about trying to work things out. I got cheated on but know that at the end she will regret what she has done to me because a man like me will be difficult for her to find. Me on the other hand, shed my tears and moved on knowing without doubt that I will find someone better. The only thing I regret is wasting my only chance of getting married with someone who is not worth it. Only god can judge me now. As far as for you, you don't deserve him especially if he was faithful throughout the entire marriage. Ask yourself, if you weren't happy and cheated chances are he wasn't happy but always considered you before ever thinking about adultering. I'm tired of hearing how these women state that men need to man up and forgive because men are perceived as cheaters. That's not always the case airheads, there are plenty of honest men out there that don't ever cheat and don't deserve to have slu**y wives so stop with your "blame it on men" attitude because everyone is their own person.

The hubby has the right to be mad, pissed and if he needs to move on do so. For better or worse doesn't mean being better in someone elses bed and worse in yours. I think it's funny how men need to man up, when they cheat but when a woman cheats, she was missing something. BS, what was she missing? The house, maybe that food in her stomach, hummmm, maybe that car you drive,and your missing what. Hubby stick to your guns and survive, piece of mind is worth more than staying and making the kids suffer.n A happy father is a great father.

Thanks for sharing so openly, and your spouse too. I'm not going to get all preachy, but wanted to point out one thing....for better or WORSE. Cripes, it's gotta hurt him like hell and clearly you're suffering too. Does a moment (I mean the span of the affair) just wipe out all the years before? Really?? Honestly I don't know what I would do, but hopefully I'd assess a long list of good things and a short list of bad. Like I said, its easy for me to say this, and I don't know what I'd do, but doesn't forgiveness have to be part of a marriage? Even if this your marriage he has to find forgiveness for his own sake. Best of luck.

Okay, here's the deal. No, I never thought my husband would find out...I NEVER thought about consequences. I just knew that I DID love him and had no intentions of leaving him. But, yes, I pushed aside everything for something that truly means nothing to me now. I have the perfect example of what I did: My husband and I saw that a Cheesecake Factory was opening very close to us. We were so thrilled to have it so close! But after going a handful of times, the thrill wore off. And the food! It was good! By the time you finish, youre stuffed. You know you shouldn't have the dessert, but it's the ending to what's been so good so far, right? So you have it, and eat it all. Then what happens? You start to feel like sh*t! You realize you could have been satisfied with just the meal, that you could have, and should have stopped there. But you didn't, and now its too late. You feel sick.<br />
I was happy with the conversation I had with this other guy. It could've stopped there, but instead, I ordered dessert (after it was suggested over and over). I now its too late. On a good note, since I have always known that this was my fault and my doing, I have sought the expertise of a Christian counselor to help me understand myself and make myself a better person, wife, Christian, etc. Apparently, I am a bit depressed, but who wouldn't be, you know? However, I refuse medication. Things look promising for the future of my marriage. I pray that anyone who's read this, don't EVER be unfaithful to your spouse, for any reason. The devastation that follows is unbearable. I made a horrible, stupid choice that I will regret for the rest of my life.

How long before your husband moved back in with you? Do you think it was only because you had kids or he would have regardless?

i think mamtel is owning her mistakes which is really a good thing , I am sure ur husband will give u chance to work it out as he does love u , only he needs sometime . I really admire ur honesty for accepting ur part in this bad sitution . Best of luck <br />
<br />
To some other posters , who r giving stupid excuses to justify her wrong actions . advicing her to put the blame on her or she didn't have any other option in an empty & boring marriage , someone is assuming that her husband was looking for an excuse ... blah blah . <br />
I am sure all of those people have been cheating on their partners using same excuses .

Here's the real deal. I'm sure its the ridiculous women out there making all kinds of excuses for what my lovely wife did to me and the family. I never cheated...she did! The so-called attention she never got is utter BS! That's a lie. I was the romantic of the relationship. She would go months without initiating anything thoughtful. No "I love you," no hand holding, nothing! Then she finds some punk who works permanent midnights and has all day to chat with her on the phone while I work three jobs.<br />
<br />
Here's a news flash to you retards that made excuses for my sweet little bride...we were married.There were a dozen other options she had rather than sleeping with someone else and telling him she loved him. Oh, also, she cheated on him right after we renewed our wedding vows in church!<br />
<br />
I am in the most pain because I loved her the most deeply in the relationship. She crushed me to the core. Thanks for being so moronic all of you women, except of course the one "who the hell do you think you are." Gotta be a guy!<br />
<br />
There was no lack of attention. It was probably the best three months of our marriage in years! It's all her and her moral values. Stop making f**king excuses for her! Bottom line: She wanted to have a fling and it mattered more to her than anything else in the world! Stop with all the excuse making and blah, blah, blah garbage!<br />
<br />
I'm going to find someone real in this world. I will be happy, one day...<br />
<br />
Signed,<br />
The so-called unattentive husband!

Wow..I thank everyone for their comments, even the mean and nasty ones calling me names. I deserve it. Things are up and down. Because of what I did, I know now how deeply my husband loves me...more than I ever thought ANYONE would love little ole me! But he's hurting so much. I try not to get angry at the way things are, basically I've been a single mother of 4 for the last 3 months. But, it's all because of what I did. Now, to comment on Whothehellareyou. I wasn't the 1st one in my marriage to step outside the box! About 2 years ago, he had searched the Internet for a girlfriend, sites specifically for married people looking to have affairs. He found a girl, and I heard a voicemail from her to him, asking him if he was still gonna make it. It was 10:30 at night on a Friday nite. Did he have an affair? He said no.According to the Bible, yes. Did he lie to my face? Yes. Do I trust him? Not, not really. Is this my reason for what I did? Absolutely not! I was wrong. I sh*t all over my vows of marriage, and jeapardized my kids' futures. I just hope he can find it in his heart to give me, us, another chance...

Hey WhoTheHellAreYou, your stupid punk, she said that it was her retirement! <br />
Your such a jerk! Kiss off! <br />
Mamtel,<br />
Look, a relationship takes two, you know that. Yes, you did the dirty deed and stepped out not considering your consequences. The fact remains, if your husband doesn't come back then that's it. <br />
The way I see it, he was unavailable to you before the affair and now he is accusing you because you grew week to someone giving you attention. <br />
True, he didn't act out on the empty marriage, but he did help create it and he should take some of the responsibility as well. <br />
I hope everything turns out for you, I hope that your husband is a good person, forgives you, and moves on. If he doesn't, then what was the alternative? Living in an empty, boring, unloving enviroment? I'm sorry, but who would miss that?<br />
As for the jerk above, ignore him, he's a novice and complete idiot, he's either got an axe to grind or hasn't ever been in a REAL relationship. <br />
db

2nd chance?<br />
Man **** you.<br />
<br />
He did the right thing.<br />
<br />
You do not ******* deserve <br />
to be his wife.<br />
<br />
On your wedding anniversary?<br />
Really?<br />
<br />
Way to give a **** about your marriage.

I hope you get another chance. i know how you feel when you gt no attention and then comes a guy who brings stars in the sky down. i dont know how they do it but is hard not falling for it. when your mind needs that. its hard not thinking about what ur husband should be doing and you think of him less because of this other man. Its hard. I know. good luck!

cheating can be so easy and so simple to explain the why we did it or whay drve us to someelses arms.<br />
<br />
imagine the people that have to forget and forgive us.<br />
<br />
try to bring your husband back into your life, i'm sure he loves his kids dearly. tell him the reasons. it won't be important and no he won't understand it. ..<br />
<br />
But you have to start somewhere and it won't be easy for you. the pain will be deep for both you and your spouse. <br />
<br />
I hope everything works out for both of you. especially for the sake of the kids. good luck

Mamtel: You made the choice, but your husband shares in the responsibility. Something was missing in your marriage. Read the book GOOD PEOPLE HAVE AFFAIRS. Work on yourself and the reasons you cheated. Send a copy of the book to your husband for him to read as well.<br />
<br />
When someone in the marriage cheats, both spouses need to address the issues that got them there.

fingers crossed 4u hope you get a 2nd chance

I think everyone deserves another chance.... <br />
No one is perfect...everyone messes up... <br />
to end a marriage on a mistake I think is wrong...

I hope you get your second chance. Good luck :)