I have been with my husband for 12 years, married for 9. I cheated on him a couple of weeks ago while I was out of town for training for my job.  I was gone for 3 weeks.

My husband is a good man.  He is the most loyal and morally straight man I have ever known.  I avoided him the first couple of days I was home, but he knew something was up.  I confessed and it has wrecked him.  I'm trying to understand why I did it.  He asks me over and over again why.  He demanded details and logged into my phone account to get a record of my text messages.  I don't blame him. His feelings are raw and he is hurt and I feel that I deserve everything he says and does.

Here's the backup story to this horrible mistake.  We have grown apart over the years.  He has personal demons that he struggles with all of the time. I've been supportive.  I have encouraged and begged him to see someone to help him. He was very affectionate the first couple of years we were together, but since then, he never initiates affection except for sex.  He rarely holds my hand (only when I take his), he never walks up to me and touches me or kisses me.  Only when I initiate that type of contact does he respond.  I've excused this lack of affection to "that is just how he is".  I have told him that I need attention.  I have always told him my feelings and what I want.  I have cried, and have been angry with him.  It is always (almost) me who intiates reconciliation whenever we fight.  I am needy.  I need to feel loved and appreciated.  I don't doubt that he does, but his actions do not reinforce it. He shows more attention and affection towards his family (parents/siblings) then he does towards me or my son. (My son is mine from a previous relationship.)

Over the lat 3 years or so, I have been thinking more and more about leaving.  Starting over.  I can't imagine my life without him.  I fear that I will leave and he will finally deal with his issues and become the man that I know he is.  I will have lost out on those years of loneliness and not be rewarded with being with the man I loved.

I do not love or care for the man I cheated on my husband with.  It was a one time thing. A moment of feeling needy and numb.  It was easy because I knew I would never see him again.  But I felt hollow and worthless when I did it.  Did I think about my husband when I did?  Yes, but I shut it out as soon as he entered my mind.  Now, for those of you who think that just because I'm gone for a couple of weeks and did this, that I will always be needy and throw my relationship out the door.  Not true.  My husband got mad at me the first weekend I was there and made a smart comment about me going on a day trip with some people I was in training with. (I went with 2 guys and another girl).  I was devistated.  I was honest.  I told him what happened (nothing happened) and he abruptly ended the conversation (though he still said I love you-in a short and hurt voice-and hung up before the conversation was done).  He preceeded not to call me for days.  I sent him a text-no resonse.  I called-no response.  I was going through the toughest situation of my life (training for my job*no pass-no job*).  I felt abandoned and lonely.  The worst I have ever felt and he wasn't there for me.

I am not blaming him for my choice, but I do fault him for how I felt.  I am trying really hard to tell him I love him and how sorry I am.  I think he just wants to learn to hate me.  He says he loves me, but I think he is looking for whatever he can to let me go.  He thinks I should put up with whatever he says or does to prove to him that I love him.  In the end, do I let him chop me up emotionally?  Do I forget the last 3-4 years of utter loneliness and emotional dispare?  Do I deserve another chance or am I too far gone? 

Hollowandnumb Hollowandnumb
31-35, F
13 Responses Apr 9, 2010

Your a ******* **** its that simple

you are nice wife add me please

You're the reason there are still countries in this world that stone women. Go jump off a bridge.

******* die *******.

NUMB, you made a choice and now you have to live with it and hope that your husband can find it within himself to forgive you and move on(with the help of counceling). Theres a good chance that he might not be able to get over that and you have nobody to blame but yourself for that. Sorry if my words are harsh but when something like this is done harsh words are needed, in closing I truly do hope you and your husband are able to work things out because it does sound like you still love him alot.

I'm with "outofbiz" for the most part. Don't let it drag you down any more. You did it, your sorry, case closed. You let your husband have his say and took it like a trooper. Now it's his turn to lighten up and step up to his obligations to you, his wife. If he can't treat you in accordance with your value as a person, someone else will. Give him another chance to make it right and move on if he doesn't. Even if he does get squared away after you leave (if you do), it likely won't be permanent. You will have lost nothing but the neglect you have already suffered. Take Care. P.S. elgue 516, stick your head in the crapper, pull the handle and repeat until you can SHUT UP .

if you dont like him, just leave and divorce him,,not to give your body to other guy,,married is commitment,,if the husband cant fulfill his obligations to his wife, then divorce him and find other good guy to be married,,you are such an *******,,just llike outofbiz

"...his turn to step up to his obligations to you, his wife." Are you high? This woman cheated and she expects ANY sympathy?

"Give him another chance to make it right and move on if he doesn't." What is wrong with you? SHE is in the wrong here, 100%. The fact is she doesn't love him - when you REALLY love someone, you don't do this. She's scared of change plain and simple. She should have simply left him before all of this and then she could be free in clear with any choices she made. Since she clearly is a ***** and not a normal person, she wanted to cheat and stay married.

She doesn't deserve this guy or happiness in general. Ever. She does deserve a life of pain and misery for being a horrible human being.

People that do this are broken and flawed. Guaranteed if we check back in on her years from now she'll still be a wreck.

Parker i think the only horrible human being on this thread is you. It's people like you that drive others to cheat. I'm guessing you got cheated on and rightfully so, you're a huge ****.

Oh, and I left off the whole, her blaming him for how she feels thing. Do I really need to explain how ****** that logic is? SHE cheats and blames HIM for her feelings.

Maybe we need public executions for cheaters.

I've never cheated nor have I been cheated on... and as I'm sure you can tell, I have a very strong stance against it. Short of murder and rape, this is the next worse thing you can do to someone you "love".

1 More Response

I understand that you need love and affection. We all do. Are you so certain this is the right man for you? You say he has not given you the love you need for years. To me that explains why you had this affair. Not to hurt him and not just for sex but for some physical manifestation of affection. I think you should examine your heart and perhaps decide to go your own way.

Forget the husband - personal demons means he has a drug problem that he doesn't want to fix. He has no interest in sex because all he cares about is drugs, yet he thinks that makes him "morally straight"? This affair is a great thing, it will help her get away from a dead-weight husband that is dragging her down and not providing any of the emotional intimacy that she needs.

How do you think you would feel if it were your husband that cheated? What actions would he have to take for you to truly forgive him and do you think you could ever trust him again? <br />
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One thing strikes me as a serious issue. You say, "I am not blaming him for my choice, but I do fault him for how I felt." I can tell you now that you are the only one responsible for how YOU feel! This is not his responsibility. Sure his actions might have caused the feeling, but you are the only one that can control them. There is no one to blame but yourself and the fact that you keep making excuses for your actions shows me that you are not truly sorry at all. You want to justify it when there is no justification.

You are a freaking w.h.o.r.e. You dont have any excuse. You cheated and it is your fault.<br />
It takes 2 to dance tango. <br />
Did he used those demons you mentioned as an excuse to cheat on you????? I guess NO.<br />
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I hate when people come with this f..ing excuses when it comes to cheating.

I love how you don't blame him but you do blame him. End of the day, this was your choice to make and you made it. Where you go from here really depends on how strong your relationship is. I would suggest seeking some marital help together

I love sex and I understand people who cheat because they need some validation or just better sex. Especially if they have unsuccessfully tried to tutor their primary partner. What I HATE, is people who use sex as a weapon.. The kind that blame others for their infidelity and then admit it for the sole purpose of hurting them.. Those people suck. go get boned, just leave sex as an enjoyment and not a tool for aggression.

I think that your husband has been neglecting you and that is why you cheated. Every woman needs to feel loved and need proper kisses, hugs and lovemaking. I also cheated on my husband and felt so guilty that I tried to commit suicide three times. He forgave me because I told him from the start. In fact, long before the affair I begged him to give me more love and not to push me away. I was always told that I am very beautiful and make an effort with my appearance but he didnt seem to notice anything. When a gorgeous man started flirting with me I couldnt resist but I didnt sleep with him until three months or kissed him. Anyway, I just wanted to tell you that you shouldnt let people's negative comments make you unhappy. You have to try and forgive yourself too, you are not the only one to blame for this. Best of luck and look after yourself x

it looks u accepted ur mistakes & truly regret ur decison , so I think itsn't far gone . It will take some time for him to get over this incident as it is impact on him may be more than u think . So just be patient & avoid any discussions that sound like u r justifying ur actions , I hope u two will get through this .<br />
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best of luck