I have been with my husband for 12 years, married for 9. I cheated on him a couple of weeks ago while I was out of town for training for my job. I was gone for 3 weeks.
My husband is a good man. He is the most loyal and morally straight man I have ever known. I avoided him the first couple of days I was home, but he knew something was up. I confessed and it has wrecked him. I'm trying to understand why I did it. He asks me over and over again why. He demanded details and logged into my phone account to get a record of my text messages. I don't blame him. His feelings are raw and he is hurt and I feel that I deserve everything he says and does.
Here's the backup story to this horrible mistake. We have grown apart over the years. He has personal demons that he struggles with all of the time. I've been supportive. I have encouraged and begged him to see someone to help him. He was very affectionate the first couple of years we were together, but since then, he never initiates affection except for sex. He rarely holds my hand (only when I take his), he never walks up to me and touches me or kisses me. Only when I initiate that type of contact does he respond. I've excused this lack of affection to "that is just how he is". I have told him that I need attention. I have always told him my feelings and what I want. I have cried, and have been angry with him. It is always (almost) me who intiates reconciliation whenever we fight. I am needy. I need to feel loved and appreciated. I don't doubt that he does, but his actions do not reinforce it. He shows more attention and affection towards his family (parents/siblings) then he does towards me or my son. (My son is mine from a previous relationship.)
Over the lat 3 years or so, I have been thinking more and more about leaving. Starting over. I can't imagine my life without him. I fear that I will leave and he will finally deal with his issues and become the man that I know he is. I will have lost out on those years of loneliness and not be rewarded with being with the man I loved.
I do not love or care for the man I cheated on my husband with. It was a one time thing. A moment of feeling needy and numb. It was easy because I knew I would never see him again. But I felt hollow and worthless when I did it. Did I think about my husband when I did? Yes, but I shut it out as soon as he entered my mind. Now, for those of you who think that just because I'm gone for a couple of weeks and did this, that I will always be needy and throw my relationship out the door. Not true. My husband got mad at me the first weekend I was there and made a smart comment about me going on a day trip with some people I was in training with. (I went with 2 guys and another girl). I was devistated. I was honest. I told him what happened (nothing happened) and he abruptly ended the conversation (though he still said I love you-in a short and hurt voice-and hung up before the conversation was done). He preceeded not to call me for days. I sent him a text-no resonse. I called-no response. I was going through the toughest situation of my life (training for my job*no pass-no job*). I felt abandoned and lonely. The worst I have ever felt and he wasn't there for me.
I am not blaming him for my choice, but I do fault him for how I felt. I am trying really hard to tell him I love him and how sorry I am. I think he just wants to learn to hate me. He says he loves me, but I think he is looking for whatever he can to let me go. He thinks I should put up with whatever he says or does to prove to him that I love him. In the end, do I let him chop me up emotionally? Do I forget the last 3-4 years of utter loneliness and emotional dispare? Do I deserve another chance or am I too far gone?