Why Did I Cheat? (first Part)

For a man like me, who had never been with a woman before getting married, who was raised in a profoundly religious family, who did profession of faith himself, and who never tried to seduce a lady or behave in a flirtatious way, it's almost surreal to accept the reality I cheated on my wife. Nobody knows this. Nobody could even imagine it. So, I think nobody who knows me could ever understand how on earth I could have cheated. They would find no reason for it.

And yet, there is a reason. Or perhaps many reasons. I would say each of these reasons found the perfect niche in one characteristic of my personality: Ever since I can remember, I've always been an expert on living a secret life. And that secret life has had to do with my deeper longings. Longings that spring from my very core. I think it has to do with a crabbing for deep connections which always expresses through sex.

When I was four or five years old, I would hide behind the old barn at my dad's farm after my mom punished me. That was my comfort place. There, I would sob until I found at peace with my self and then, I would mastur... . The experience of masturb...ing gave me the opportunity to be with myself thus disconnecting from the rest of the world.

My need to be in my own company found a new trigger when at age of seven I found a stack of erotic magazines my dad had in that old barn. The place itself was fascinating for me. There were many old boxes in there, and different tools and secret places. That day, I opened a big wooden box. Inside, I found another box which I opened. And there I found the stack of magazines. "Luz" was their title. They were not p-o-r-n magazines. Instead, they were educational material with interesting articles and a section in which readers would send in questions which would be answered by doctors and sexologists. It was from my readings on those magazines that I learned a woman's crotch had a strong smell which many men found to be unpleasant. But the doctor's answer said warm water was the best way to diminish that smell to to point of almost disappearing it. He recommended the lady to wash thoroughly her crotch and anus with very warm water. That would guarantee the smell would go away and she would feel confident in bed.

Nobody at home knew I had another life at the barn. Actually, I spend most of my childhood just with mom. My other two sisters were at school and my dad was working at the farm. So it was only me doing some tasks at home until time to go to school arrived. The rural school I attended was small. There were only two teachers. So, students from fourth grade up would attend in the morning. And those from first through third grade, in the afternoon. Because I was a second grader, I had to attend in the afternoon. The schedule arrangement gave me plenty of time for me to go in the barn and spend time reading the Luz magazine and mast... ing.

That's how I learned to build a second life. Within that frame, I was able to fit my habit of mas...t...-t-i-n-g and also of reading erotic content, which experienced a boost at age of eight when my best friend found a stack of p...rn magazines in his older brother's bedroom.

That morning I came to visit with my friend. He couldn't wait to show me what he had found in his brother's room. I was speechless when I saw for the very first time a beautiful woman with her legs opened wide and her vulva appearing first plane on the picture. I looked at every detail. The thick hair, the beauty of the inner labia and that angelical face looking at the camera.

On that very morning I became obsessed with the female body. To me, nothing would ever be comparable to the beauty displayed by a woman.
pursueadream pursueadream
46-50, M
Jan 21, 2013