Cheating Diaries: 2

I've been without him now for a few weeks...100%, no sexual encounters, no kissing, and I've only seen him twice and only for a few minutes each time. It's so hard - changing my routines and moving on - but I am ready. When I think about him now, and what he is, I have realized I go through stages of emotion. First, I feel pity for him and his situation. He makes me feel genuinely bad for him. But then I realize he did this to himself. He put himself in this position. He willingly did this to himself. Then I get angry. I get really angry. He is living with her. He is probably lying to me about his saddness and inner turmoil and is living happily at home with her and her growing belly that he says was an 'accident'. It was probably planned. He did it and it makes me so angry! Then I am suddenly sad. He is on the other end of the phone, professing his love for me. Telling me he is regrettably having his first child with a woman he hates and he wishes he were with me. He tells me he would make me happy. Why does he tell me this!? I am sad, but now angry again too. I wonder if he is lying. Does he tell me these things and go home to his family and pretend like nothing is happening? Why does he want to keep hurting me? Then my head goes silent for moment...and I wish he would go away. If we can't be together, why does he have to keep hurting me over and over again? Why can't he just leave me alone.
LostinLustandLove LostinLustandLove
26-30, F
2 Responses May 10, 2012

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The bad news is: He hasn't gone away or given up. The good news is: He completely repulses me now. He's posting pictures of the happy family online. Him kissing her (while he still emails me he loves me). He is disgusting. I proudly tell him to leave me alone and it will never ever happen again between us. I've blocked his number. I feel so relieved to not see him anymore and this freedom means his empty words no longer have an effect on me.