Fox In The Hen HouseI'm a little reluctant to write this, but I'm going for it anyway. I feel a bit like I've para-dropped behind enemy lines, and I'm about to be detected. Why? Because I represent the group that chose not to be faithful to a sexless marriage. I think what you are doing (remaining faithful) is the honorable and honest thing to do. An affair is never the correct way to deal with a problem like this.
The way I see it, there's a dividing line in this group. On one side you have two people, truly in love, but unable to consummate it due to serious health problems. My heart goes out to these people, and I pray that they are able to use every opportunity to express intimacy even if they can't physically. For the most part, you'll know that you're in this group if this topic is open to discussion with your partner, and you maintain a significant intimate connection with them. Most of this group is conspicuous by their very absence from Experience Project and the like. Why? Because if there's an intimate, healthy connection with your spouse, you aren't likely on the internet identifying with your choice to be faithful in a sexless marriage.
I'm not in here to ruffle feathers, at least not for the sake of so doing. I don't question the intent of most of you, but I do have concern for those who are staying in a sexless marriage for the wrong reasons, or are in denial about how detrimental a sexless marriage can be to your own health and well being. I'll posit that most of you are here because you seek support of some form or another, or an outlet for emotions that you can't share with your spouse. This could be a red flag indicating that there is more wrong than just a lack of sex.
Some of you are staying out of guilt or obligation, and confusing these feelings as love. These things require serious self examination, and you may not like what you find, but it will come out sooner or later. I wish I'd realized, or more accurately, accepted sooner what I was really feeling. If you find yourself rationalizing things, you need to stop and have a deeper look. "Sex isn't really that important", "I just have an unusually high sex drive", "we still love each other, that's all that matters" etc. are all signs that you might be less content than you realize. If you ever get a knot in your stomach when you see people having sex on TV (you know what I mean there I hope, not talking about ****), thinking about sex with your spouse or thinking about sex with someone else, it's not OK. I don't mean it's not OK to feel that, I mean it's not OK to be in a situation that causes you to feel that way.
Finally, I'll throw in a controversial idea that seemed a little outrageous to me when I first contemplated it. Some of you are vowing to stay faithful because of vows taken before friends, family, and god. I promised this, or I promised that. Consider this; perhaps withholding love, affection and intimacy is a contravention of the vows of marriage? I'm not using this as a justification for an affair (it isn't), and if that's the argument you choose to want to see here, the point is lost. I am suggesting though, that although it's a slightly unorthodox view, if the person who promised to love you stops loving you in certain ways, it's a defensible argument that the vows have already been broken. Should you choose to accept that argument, you're no looking at a situation where your spouse has broken the vows of marriage, and things take on a very different slant, do they not?
I reiterate, I am NOT here to push buttons or otherwise try and inflame anyone. I'm not here to question your motives. I'm only sharing some thoughts that I wish I'd realized a long time ago, when I was committed to a marriage that had been broken for years. If you are truly happy, stay. If there is a rumbling of discontent, I can promise you it will not go away, and ignoring it will only be to your detriment. Good luck,