Nothing Going On.

 I never though it would end up like this, day after day week after week,year after year  not a hand shake, kiss, or even a hug.  My marriage life has come to a complete stand still. As a woman you would think it would not take much to get your man in bed for more than a nights sleep. The short night gowns, no night gown. Nice evening dinner well cooked and prepared just for the two of us; spent by myself. No children at home. i shower him with affection, cress, hug, loving pats on the behind when passing. Still nothing! We have been married 11 years. For 10 1/2 years I have been in a sexless & passionless marriage. I choose to be faithful because when I said I do, in sickness and in health good and bad times, so forth and so fifth.
I guess this is the bad times.  I try  to make well thought through decisions. Even though my family thinks I should bale, because my husband is more faithful to his friends which I call his family than me.It is hard for my family to accept his apparent actions because he is the Senior Pastor. 
He openly excesses his action by stating these people need his personal care. If anyone don't understand this than we are the ones who are evil and in great need of  prayer.   He is there for their every need. Yes they are married also, but that has not stopped him or them. Do I think its more than simple friendship. Yes, But I am not responsible for him or his actions. As a believer I adhere to my faith  and  the understanding  what goes around comes around. I stand by my convictions pay back is HELL. 
katnaps katnaps
51-55, F
14 Responses Sep 21, 2011

I can so relate to your story here. It is a sad, lonely existence.

Hi ray3128, <br />
At the time of that post I was not happy, true, no I don't need to see a doctor nor does inthedark2012. Yes I'm still married, has things changed no. but I have learned to take control of my life. I'm moving on with my dreams back I'm in school taking up Criminal Justice, still working on my song writing and acting career. No I have not lost sight of God in fact I just come to realize my husband has done me a favor. if he had been a attentive husband I would have let everything go and dove head first into only what please him neglecting myself. So with all that being said to all I hope each and everyone find health, hope and happiness in their life.

firewalker01 you need take youe wife to a doctor ok , and kaptnaps you need to do the same, please let me know

i know how you feel , i had twins and it drain me, after time go by, i didn't won't to have sex? my husband when to his doctor ask him what was wrong with me, we did't have sex in three years, his doctor ask how was i feeling? he said i was tired a lots, doctor said to my husband make appointment at the desk, i'll check your wife out! my husband did kind make me upset some but i when with my husband to his doctor , they run all kind test on me , i have a chemical enbalance and the doctor gave me a presc<x>ription and i taking my medince as the doctor order, now we have great sex,

yes women do have menopause and men do too, you need to make a doctor appointment see what wrong with your husband,

God, how many times have I asked myself that same question. Sometimes I think all of the posts by "women who like sex" are really guys that are making it all up!

Who are you being faithful to? A man who has already negated his marriage vows, contract. My dear, you are being faithful to fresh air. There is nothing there to be faithful to. It's good that you care for others, but not at the expense of your personal welfare and happiness. This man does not love you. He does not care for you. Do not waste your life another day. Make plans, if feasible, to get away and start afresh for yourself. Take it from someone who knows, and has wasted 21-years of her life in similar circumstances. Good luck!

Katnaps,<br />
Your situation sound very similar to mine except I am the husband in the same role as your husband...<br />
My wife broke the news to me about a separation/divorce in fall of 2010. It took a couple months for it to really sink in and last year was the worse year of my life. I got the condensed (Reader's Digest) version last year of what she experienced over an 8+ yr span; I now understand her feelings of emotional abandonment, lonliness, lacking of intimacy, etc. It's an awful feeling and I hate myself immensely for what I put her thru! I spent 365+ days (& nights) reflecting on what I've done (& not done) and why; it was like solitary confinement.<br />
She's a strong person & I saw her transform herself; she started living a life for herself that no longer included me. She lost weight, got attention from men, started going out with friends more and moving on with her life. Karma is real; payback is a b#*@!. I'm enrolled in the school of Hard Knocks for dummies. <br />
I don't know if your husband is as remorseful as I am; I know I've lost the best thing that's ever (& will ever) happen to me. To come to the realization that it could have potentialy been easily resolved with counseling & communication only compounds my misery. I'm the sole architect & client of the hell I created and I wouldn't want any followers or disciples. I wish I could advise your husband - although sounds like it's too late for him as well; perhaps I'll save a seat for him next to me in the school (for dummies) of hard knocks...

I don't think he wants the relationship to end on one hand but on the other because he thinks he has the other woman waititng on him he does not care. I pray since your eyes have been opened that your next relationship will be successful

We are still together; I'm not exactly sure where she truely stands on this relationship. There won't be a 'next' relationship for me regardless of what happens..

You are in charge of your own life its up to you to be happy make the move . No blame no guilt no lies. The only thing us humans want is to be happy and you seem to be unhappy.

So true I've been unhappy for a long time. But I never knew just how unhappy until I took a personal inventory of my emotional state. My biggest problem, I care about people no matter how ill they treat me. Do I plan to stay in this screwed up relationship? No way! Its so strange when the wheel began to turn the other person acts as if they do not understand where things went wrong. But its never them in the wrong just being done wrong. wicked thinking.

I think you need to sit him down tell him how it makes you feel the way he treat you and if he does not try to understand baby he does not love you. It happens and you deserve to be love. I 'v been married for 32 years and I had not had sex for 5 years with my wife and I told her thta if she does not try I will look esle where. I did and I had lot of fun had lots of women and got it out of my mind. I told my wife and she said she felt bad and she will try to to change. It last only 6 months and I back where I started from. He as a pastor should know this more than the averenge man.

Wow, its so true whats common to one is common to all, Its nice to know that there are others who understand, even though I wish no one has to go through such mental and physical anguish.<br />
I don't feel like a bean in a glass bottle. Now that he is aware that I want out my husband is trying to put forth a weak effort to hold on. But still every fault is laid at my feet. As if he has the burden of the world upon his shoulders. Sometimes I feel sorry for him, but I know he will never change and his actions for now are only temporal. I have tried for 11 years to reach him and fight for our marriage and a decent relationship. I can't even muster up a good care; I want to but can't at the place I'm at now. Does any one have a nail for this coffin?

I feel so sorry for you. I would kill for a woman that would treat me like that!<br />
<br />
Do take care, and all the best.

Me, too. katnaps sounds like the woman of my dreams!

I posted this on the other site... I am in the same situation. She has said that since she had a miscarriage she needs to sleep with the children.... the oldest is 8. 2 years ago i thought things were getting better, tired of the couch. We started getting friendly, then she got mad.... the she pushed the alarm and the police came... yes she had been drinking and yes she had much medication, but she told the police things i had never done. My young children saw me being handcuffed and dragged away... a few hours late she recanted. She told the prosecutor she was intoxicate and using medication. They told her she should have been brought in... 2 years later she tells me.. i should n't have been so insensitive to the police. I sleep on the couch still... every now and again we start to feel like ole times... then she laughs... and locks the bedroom door. I give you my word I haven't done anything to harm her... i am afraid for my children if i leave. She has threatened horrible things if i do? I am scared to death....WHAT DO I DO?

OMG. What a nightmare! Your marriage is a prison, a living hell. Document (audio/video) her threats. Get a protection order. Get a (good) lawyer. Get custody of the kids. Get out of that marriage.

Have you told him how you feel? Have you told him that he is not keeping his marriage vows to you - "to have and hold", etc?

Thanks maj7fit5 for asking. Yes, I spoke with him or tried talking to him. His answer was I was mean and uncaring seeing she just came out of a divorce and going through a transition period. O.k it was possible I could have been over reacting. So i waited about six months later they were closer than ever. I walked into his office she is telling him about her shopping trip and showing him the price tags on the items she brought to see if he approved. she also informed him that she was needing to purchase items for her oldest daughter because she was starting to mature. I ask why was she telling him that since these were things that only concerned her. What did I say that for because her came a big blow up and fall out. I was mean , nasty, rude , uncaring, %#@&gt;&gt;&gt;//:***&amp;%###@. He became so violent that he called her mom, sister-in-law, step dad, every minister in the church that was there that day to jump on me . My sister and son happen to pull up at that time to help defend me..... Tried now its not worth the, the headache, heartache, pain and sorrow.. Five years has now passed and still the same old thing... This pass Sunday again he openly in front of the entire congregation he started again belittling me. I get tired of even repeating all the harsh treatment. Afterward he gets home by himself and acts as if nothing happens. Now he doesn't have back up. As I started to say earlier. I told him Monday it was over I through, over and done with it. I can't take any more and I'm not going to. Like I told him its not important what others think about me but what I think and how I feel about myself and the direction for my life.

That's right, you have to take care of yourself. I'm glad you are standing up for yourself! No one should have their private affairs aired in front of others. Best wishes on your future, you have taken the first steps for yourself!

Follow through and get out. This is no man of God.

Seems like you and I are not alone in this matter ! Can you please comment on my 2 stories? Would be nce to chat with you. Thanks LARRY

Hello,<br />
<br />
My best wishes for you.<br />
<br />
I am in sexless marriage since day 1.<br />
I will not tell you about my lonley nights and my desire to be a mother since this is about you.<br />
<br />
Dear, 10 years is too long for a bad time!!!!! i understand the type of amazing person you are, but you need a wake up call to remember you are a living being and you have the right to be loved, wanted, fantasized about and all the rest.<br />
<br />
I have been married for 2 years, and I am considering divorce, he is a good person, but I read once an article in EP that says: they are the ones who are cheating and being selfish to deprive us of our basic instincts.<br />
Sex is like eating and having a sense of protection,,,You cannot deny that you are hungry!!!! you will starve and eventually die,,,,without sex our heart's flame goes and with it goes all the sense of desire and meaning of belonging to somebody.<br />
<br />
I know people with sexless relationships due sickness,,,,but their intimacy makes up for everything.<br />
<br />
Hope I didnt say alot, i am just saying what am feeding up my brain to get out of here. now i have the guts to move on and get pregnant with somebody else. if I stay more, it will be harder to detach and i will end up old with infertile body.<br />
<br />
Take care dear who ever you are......i learnt in the hard way that our lives are made of choices WE make.<br />
<br />
Good luck<br />
God bless

This is so true no one is exempt from harsh treatment male or female. As I watch, look and try to analyze the people who get joy out of causing great emotional harm to others. they have unrealized issues from their past, even stemming from their childhood. These are people who choose to abuse others rather than face themselves and fix the issue. I have found all the love &amp; care beamed in their direction can not fix what they refuse to face. Unresolved anger toward siblings, parents, school chums, even decisions they made which brought hurt and lose into their lives. So face their issues that they may be able to live a giving and forgiving full life. Others hide theirs in a closet with the door cracked so the monster can get out to harm others. They hope in some small way this will appease the demons they are wrestling. I have found not confronting and not facing the ugly truth hurts you, makes you a co dependent while enabling that person to continue in their present mode of attitude and mind set. If the parties are willing to go to counseling willing seeking change for themselves opening the door to let out all hurt and pain. seeing how their past hurt is damaging their present relationship;then they can see with new eyes the person who loves them.

Until then its a battle. Who will win? Will you become embittered, broken and mean. Or stay the wonderful person you are! Its our choice.

I just HAD to reply to this. I was in a near-sexless marriage and wanting babies badly. After 7 years, I finally DID conceive (a bit difficult with the nearly non-existent sex life that we had). I had 3 children, eventually - but guess what? Our sex life never got any better. I now have 3 grown children and I have been married 33 years and am just deciding to end it since nothing has ever changed. And although I am thankful to God for giving me my beloved children, I wish now that I would have gotten "the hell out" of the marriage before the children came, because once they came, I was stuck until they were grown up. Get OUT now!!!! That's my very best advice!!!

I am a man and I in the same place as you are and have been for four years. I find that so far it does not get any easier. I always hoped that at some point that it would. But I guess it really don't.<br />
I just wanted to let you know trhat you are not alone.

Sounds familiar to my own although not married anymore it feels as such. only now she is more controlling then ever with abdouble standard that might as well be cubed.