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Bewildered

I have been married to a wonderful man for nearly 15 years now.  He is my best friend in the world but it has been months since we have had sex.  He never had what you could call a high libido, but now I'm lucky if we have sex 4 times a year.  My husband is 14 years older than I am.  I have always had a high libido and never seem to be satisfied.  The actual sex act itself was incredible, but that would only make me want it more.  Now that his sex drive has decreased even more and he has grown older the few times a year when we do have sex it is short and unsatisfying to me.  I finally couldn't take the desperation, so I don't ask for it any more.  Otherwise, I feel like I'm on a rollercoaster, thinking I might get it and not.  Wanting it and being let down.  My husband is a very handsome man and I am still very attracted to him.  He says that he still finds me attractive, but it is hard for me to believe him when he never initiates sex.  We have talked about this many times and I have even stopped discussing for a while thinking that the subject itself was nagging him.  I can't and won't imagine my life without him.  Why is it that great love and great sex seem to be mutually exclusive in life.  We are both religious people and when I married him I knew we were meant to be together.  How do I deal with this.

Sacul Sacul 36-40, F 6 Responses Apr 15, 2008

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It sounds as if this is not an age issue, as you state it has long been only a few times per year. You have a major desire discrepancy, and that does not go away (usually gets worse, the last five years of my sexless marriage were totally celibate). <br />
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Great love and great sex are not mutually exclusive. I am now in a relationship that combines both, with a man I was close friends with for a year before it became romantic. <br />
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If you want to stay, that is your choice. But, it will not change. This is a long term issue that is playing out in the typical way. You state you will not leave, but in narrowing your options, you are basically resigning yourself to forced celibacy for the rest of the relationship (if not your life...if you should go first, not likely but you never know). Akin to taking a vow of celibacy as a nun. Are you truly okay with this?<br />
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If you go to the 'I Live in a Sexless Marriage' group. There are thousands upon thousands of stories that describe your same scenario and they invariably end the same. The fact that your husband does not want sex with you is HIS issue, and since he has never took the initiative to try and find a solution, it is clear he is happy with the status quo. You state that this is great love....really? Great love where one of your core needs is ignored, and he makes no effort to improve the situation? Great love where you silence yourself, so that he won't feel nagged and you remain neglected?<br />
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No, that is selfish. And, he knows that you won't leave and will just take it (you will even shut yourself up so that he doesn't feel uncomfortable!), so it is all fine for you. You are acquiescing to celibacy, and vowing to remain faithful to man who has been faithless to you. In sum, you are giving him total power over you by agreeing to stay no matter what.<br />
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A total compromise on your part. For neglect and selfishness?<br />
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You deserve better but you will get what you allow.

I choose not to sleep in the same bed which I compare to being on a strict diet and going to a buffet - it's cruel to expect that when you are unwilling (or unable) to meet one's sexual needs. Granted, my marriage is not much healthier in other areas. I choose to not cheat, but will leave if I find the temptation too overwhelming - there is a world of difference between choosing celibacy and having it forced on you - I have been single and celibate and can do so again. I think sometimes you have to take steps to protect yourself from the hurt.

I feel like you wrote my story. I can relate very very well to your statement " I feel like I'm on a rollercoaster, thinking I might get it and not. Wanting it and being let down. " So many many times I got my hopes up for something that never materialized and before I knew it he was snoring in bed next to me and I was left aching for something that wasn't coming. The disappointment was too much to bear. I was always the initiator too and like you "I finally couldn't take the desperation, so I don't ask for it any more." I am so sorry - I feel your pain.

I am only 23 and my husband is 34. We have been in a semi-sexless marriage for 8 months now and I'm 8 months pregnant. I really hope that is why and hope to gain intimacy after the baby. Its a sad truth that sex seems to disappear in marriages, but I don't know if I'm willing to accept that just yet. I hope that things work out in your favor, maybe he is sick or his testosterone levels have dropped.

You are not along at having a high libido, but few, (sometimes none), intimate moments in a marriage. It not only happens to women, but also to men. There are times when I am alone and all I can think about is my wife and myself being intimately physically involved, but when I open my eyes I realize the experience was just in my mind. I recognize the differences of libidos between my wife and myself. She doesn't have as high a libido as myself. However I make exceptions for her libido expectations so that she doesn't feel like I am forcing myself sexually on her. I have expressed my yearnings, to having more intimate times with her. Presently we are trying to work out the possibility of having more intimate times. It is still a work in progress. I hope the best for both of you. Just remember that you are not alone in being alone!!!

I hate the rollercoaster feeling too. I cant take it anymore. I told him I need my own bedroom. Its too hard lying next to someone you want to touch and know that it isnt wanted.