Sexless But Faithful By Choice

While in a sexless marriage I choose to be faithful.  It is a choice I have to make every day, and sometimes even moments of the day as well.  I choose to be faithful for my children's sake.  How do I teach them to be faithful to their future spouses if I choose to be unfaithful?  My choices effect both them and the choices they make regarding both their future spouses, their future children, and their future lives.  I am not here to judge anyone else, I am just here trying to work out my own sanity.  So long as the safety and security of my children does not come into question, (i.e. they continue to come first), the choice to be unfaithful isn't even a consideration to me.  So even though I am in a sexless marriage I choose to remain faithful.

I am trying not to be part of a support group for others who choose to remain faithful,(choosing to remain faithful is dependent upon the circumstances of situation.  It entails if there is any abuse...etc...).  However, if support occurs from sharing this experience pertaining to my free choice, I am glad I could be a part of it,(i.e. we need to continue to support one another no matter what choices we make).

adama adama
36-40, M
20 Responses Jul 19, 2007

Adama, I completely agree with your decision, as well as how you explain that you are not judging others for choosing otherwise. I love my husband very much, and respect him as a man. I don't want to be one that cheats, and am very concerned the effect of such behavior on our son. Our marriage isn't perfect, and I have never heard of one that is. But I strongly believe I am maintaining my personal integrity, as well as giving my husband (as well as our son) the respect he deserves.
I struggle with this every day.
Tx for a fabulous post: )

You don't need fully functioning sexual parts to pleasure a spouse, so I don't really see how any excuses are acceptable. I almost never feel sexual desire unless I am first desired; the only respect in which i am no feminist. When not desired at home, it's pretty darn hard to resist temptation. One goes sexually dead for a few years, then temptation comes along ...My husband was kind of relieved when I told him I had been angry for some years about low frequency of sex - an easier fix than helping with the housework....

How long have you been sexless?

I agree about the children. They will not exactly be protected. Your relationship with wife is not healthy. the kids will have that as a role model.<br />
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I will never understand how women dont want to have sex. It kills me. They had sex to get us, now they dont want it anymore. Then they complain when we find sex elsewhere. imagine that?<br />
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I have had no sex with wife for 10 years. imagine that?

Adama <br />
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You are a good man. That is where my head is at right now.....

Like they say, Eggs Benedict is known the world over as one of two things you never get at home...

Genteel,<br />
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Well, if you're in love, you're in love. Not much you can do about that!<br />
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I am just starting to wade out of my swamp. There's another swamp ahead called "making the separation/divorce official." I care for my wife, but I've gone from being in love, to loving her (but not that way) to tolerating her and wishing her the best.<br />
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When someone asked me once, what my sexual fantasy was, I responded "Making love to my wife!" He said, "Oh, because it's so great?" I said, "No, because it's something I haven't done in so many years."<br />
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And that was BEFORE I had prostate cancer....

These posters (and the OP) waaaayyy over-intellectualize this stuff. When you get into discussions like "sex is overrated" "no its not" "yes it is" "I was faithful and look what happened" you know the road has washed out and you're in a swamp.<br />
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I stay faithful to my wife because I don't want any other woman. I want her. This would be so fncking much easier if I didn't love that woman. I WISH I could find a nice busty redhead to nail. God knows there are enough beautiful women around. But when I step in that direction everything goes cold on me. I just don't want that.

Thank you, I really needed that. But unlike you, my husband is the one who has no need/desire for sex. I love him very much, he is my world. But I feel your pain and, if you are like me, confusion at times. It is hard not being able to share such a wonderful part of life with the one you love the most. I am a nanny for a family with triplet newborns, and unlike you I do not have the great gift of having children. Every time I hold one of those little babies in my arms I ache, because obviously without sex, there can be no children. You are very lucky to have children.

I agree with you. The children come first. Fortunately I'm too busy right now to think about how I feel. I dread the time when they will be out on their own and I will be out of excuses to face this huge loss in my life...

Adama, I am beginning to think that, under the right circumstances, sex is a short-hand for love. <br />
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In the first few years of our marriage, we did almost everything together. A great deal of what happened in our infrequent intimacies was, frankly, a lot of hard work for meager outcome. But we had so many other activities and shared experiences that bonded us together, it didn't matter in the balance of things. Then I had a child, my husband switched careers and started working very long and unpredictable hours. For 13 years I have seen very little of him, and when he is home, he isn't interested in anything except watching TV. He doesn't interact with our son very much, either. <br />
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If only we had some kind of physical intimacy that he seemed to want and initiate, then it would be a signal that he does still really love me, and take the place of our earlier, shared life. I would accept even just that.. <br />
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If only we had some kind of

wife and i have had sex about 5 times in the past 10 years. we are close and i am always touching her. There is love but no sex. If there was no anything then I would get a divorce. sometimes I wish that there was nothing. That way I might get free to start over. But I do love her, and aside from sex, we do pretty good together. The compromises we make sometimes may be too much.

Why so infrequent? Is it her? Is it you? If you want sex more often, have you ASKED for sex more often? If you don't like something, seek to change it.

I get that you want to be faithful and even respect that somewhat............however to say that sex is over rated is just silly.

Yeah, I was that way. Honorable and principled. My wife rejected me for over 7 years. She would sleep on the living room couch instead of the marriage bed most nights. When I told her this was causing problems in the marriage, she said, "No, it's fine." She would push me away even if I just tried to hug her!<br />
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So...what did I get for all my faithfulness? PROSTATE CANCER! With surgery, I got Erectile Dysfunction.<br />
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Faithfulness is way over-rated, in my opinion. If there is a God, then screw him for screwing with me the way he did. I did what I was supposed to do, and I get punished.<br />
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But there isn't a God; there really isn't. I've always understood that there isn't a God. Religion just tries to control the population, and if you want to buy into it in order to win some unspecified, fantastical prize (we all know how ridiculous "72 Virgins" is-do you think YOUR reward system makes any more sense?)...have at it. <br />
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So, for some strange reason (morality? Respect for the kids? Respect for my WIFE...who showed me NONE?) , I remained faithful. It brought me pain and suffering...and then I'm dead. Not again.

Duuuuude - that sucks and thanks for the warning.

Though now, after surgery, using EDEX ("single malt"), I get an erection that lasts for over an hour, even after ******, and I don't leave a sticky mess (luckily, I do NOT have continence issues, or I'd have to look for a g/f with a golden shower fetish)

I certainly appreciate your choice to remain faithful. It is honorable. I'm currently living in a virtually sexless marriage (2-3 a year) that as lasted now for and 6 1/2 years. I have chosen to be faithful so far, but my determination is waning. I keep telling myself that the principled thing to do is just leave if the marriage becomes untenable, but that's a bit easier said than done. <br />
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I love my wife dearly and would love to be with her for the rest of her natural life. But I also have needs that can't (and shouldn't) be ignored. I would like for that to change. I don't know what the future holds for us, but I hope that whatever choice I make will be honorable and principled.

I am right there with you. Once you have children, everything that you do impacts them in some way. I'm glad to know that I'm not the only Dad who puts his children first.

From a child of a cheater I would like to thank you for taking your children into account when making your decision. You deserve kudos for your choice!<br />

respect, I hope your wife knows how lucky she is to have you :)

Alabastardragon, I have to agree with your train of thought. Personally, I think, (due to social preassure), socially, sex is over-rated. Sex is only a part of the relationship. If it were the only part, than one would never find total satisfaction. There are many couples where sex is not possible, but love endures. There are also many couples where sex is possible, but love is not a part of it. And in some cases sexlessness prevails even when sex is possible. However a lot of it is due to the reactions and choices of faithfullness each individual makes. May Love, prayerfully and hopefully, prevail in this sexually over-rated society.

sex isnt everything.. you can be in love with someone and not have intercourse.

Absolutely, but sometimes its difficult in today's American society where the game is boasting about sexual adventures of all ages.