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Apr 12th, 2006
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T
he sweeping hand tick tick ticks, but nothing ever changes. And you need the time to pass. Not because you have anywhere to be; you don’t. You never have anywhere to be. You just need the time to be anywhere but now, here. Tick tick tick. You imagine curling in a snow bank for a nap you never wake from.
The left side of your brain maintains the tickety tickety tacks of the keyboard while the right side of your brain, the creative side, reels and spins on your only remaining choices: which way to end your life that evening when you’re back at home.
You traveled to work that morning the way you always do, the usual way, the way it must have always been. Entering the train, head down, while parents grab their small children by the hand and shuffle them away from the crazy person. It would be laughable to think that your sickness was discreet if anything were laughable. You’re as black on the outside as you are on the inside.
Some people were meant to make it, some were not. You are ticked under the latter column. Tick tick tick. Tickety tickety tack.
This is the way you feel when you despondently look at your hands. And having been exactly where you are, I would not be foolish enough to say that it’s all in your head. (“It’s all in my head? Where else could it be?”) But the reality is that you are battling an insidious illness called depression, an illness that robs you of your joy, your spirit, your hope. But this thief’s most insidious trick is having convinced you that it’s stolen something that you never actually lost: courage.
Yes, you still have courage. You may not feel it buried beneath la
Because depression is completely treatable. Once you acquire the tools you need to treat and manage your illness, those once maddening tick tick ticks will transform into the sounds of brush strokes on a canvas, bats cracking on a ball field, light rain pattering on a windowsill. And that which once haunted you will take shape in the realization of the vibrant, introspective person you truly are.
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  | Posted Aug 6th, 2006 at 8:57PM 2-20-06 Alone, I suffer Constantly Minutes ticking Tick Tick Ticking Tie-dyed thoughts kicking…. A cerebral zig-zag Inside of my head Patterned chaos Forms my thorny embrace Mine My mind is a mystery Invisibility is a trick for the ages. Had I stumbled upon the Fountain of Youth, I should be so revered and damned. So I stand Above it all, Weathered by isolation and Ambiguity, Trampled By the sole-less shanks Of herded apathy Even cold to hot can’t stop the clock Or reverse it At least the changing of the seasons alludes to some type of finality, of resolve. But it’s just an illusion. Who can handle Infinity?? +10 nods   |
 | Posted Aug 16th, 2007 at 6:58AM This is the best story I have read yet on this website and I have read many good ones. Thank you so much for posting it. You have captured my feelings so clearly. While I am not yet courageous I feel kind of proud that yes, I DID get up this morning and yes I AM here - knowing that here is the same as always. I found out last night that a friend died, she committed suicide. I haven't wrapped myself around that yet. But your post was so comforting. Thank you again. +4 nods |
 | Posted Nov 19th, 2007 at 11:10AM Absolutely beautiful story. Incredible writing. |
 | Posted Dec 4th, 2007 at 11:03AM i need some of that courage... +3 nods |
 | Posted Dec 12th, 2007 at 11:07AM You hit the nail on the head, thank you for that story. |
| Posted Jan 10th, 2008 at 6:27AM i am new here. and i noticed the last time you was here was april 2006. i pray you are doing okay. i suffered depression all my life.sometimes you have to take life one minute at a time. i got into crafts to keep my mind busy. and i learned how to work this computer two years ago.it is good to talk to someone when you are feeling like that. it is easier said then done. usually people who don't suffer from depression doesn't understand it. it is not something you just snap out of. i pray the LORD leds you back here. i will listen if you need someone to listen.don't carry this alone. it makes it worse. +6 nods |
 | Posted Jan 31st, 2008 at 8:10PM You imagine curling in a snow bank for a nap you never wake from. The left side of your brain maintains the tickety tickety tacks of the keyboard while the right side of your brain, the creative side, reels and spins on your only remaining choices: which way to end your life that evening when you're back at home. these are two very good sentences. extremely good. actually, the entire article is good, but these two said it for me perfectly. depression has not only leeched the life out of me, but the rhythm out of my words as well. i can't write. +3 nods |
 | Posted Feb 19th, 2008 at 2:56AM If your getting outside to go to work..Your doing alot better than I am sweetie..Uhm unless that was part of your creative writing.. *Hugz* tho i do relate to your story other than the work thing, i had a job once, i did it for 5 1/2 mnths and i wish i could go back to it but its to far and i get weighted down feet even thinking about venturing outside, anyways this was b4 i once again was hit with anxiety and depression ( i'm not taking meds tho).. But i can so relate to your wonderful creative writing (above) I practice writing alot myself, my life and about how i feel, but i wish i had your idea's and talents on how you summed up your emotional and physical feelings..Bravo...And i hope in time, soon, you can wake up from that snowbank feeling rested and ready for the rest of your life.. *Hugz* +3 nods |
 | Posted May 9th, 2008 at 12:19AM This is a beautiful story. It describes depression to a tee in my opinion. I really appreciate you for writing this because it confirms I'm not alone in how I feel. I'm sure this has and will help a lot of people. It helps describe an awful illness to people who may not understand and it shows hope and courage. This really inspired me. Thank you SO much! |
 | Posted Jun 18th, 2008 at 1:29PM Beautifully written. and I completely needed this right now. I have only had 2 meetings so far with my therapist, and the week inbetween is SO FREAKING LONG! I wish sometimes I could see her everyday. But yes, time....... tick........ tock........ (are we there yet?) +3 nods |
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