Letting It All OutHello!
Like everyone else up here, I am typing this in the hopes of relieving my mind of all of it's pent-up emotions and thoughts. I am sincerely grateful to anyone who is willing to read all of this and respond to it, and I thank you for your valuable time! I just please ask that you try not to judge me, and try not to be upset with me for making my probably very insignificant problems into some huge ordeal on the internet. I just want to confess everything in a way that won't stress anyone out in my family any more than they already are (and they all have some pretty big stressors right now and don't need me to add on to it!). So pretty please be patient with me :]
Okay. So, I'm a freshman music and spanish double major at college this year, and it has been rather stressful (as one can imagine any freshman's life would be). I started off sad to be away from home and cried more than usual from homesickness, but my roommate invited me to eat with her and her friends and my studio got me excited to be a musician, and I was fine.
Then I stopped getting pity invitations to dinner (I'm a really shy person, so I wasn't making friends on my own). I ate by myself, which was fine. I talked with my roommate at night and called my parents everyday. I even started dating an upperclassman- he made me feel better about myself, and life was good.
I guess I really started to go down was when I decided I didn't want to see the guy anymore- long story short, I told him I was scared to commit and just wanted to be friends and he told me I was basically throwing away something great for no reason and that I was making his depression and his life harder by not dating him and that I should see a counselor for my commitment issues. I felt like an unworthy jerk who just ruins lives- I take guys in and hurt their feelings because I can't make myself love them. I had no one to talk to that didn't have their own problems to worry with (especially not my parents because my sister wasn't sleeping or eating at school and we were all really worried about her). I began to look at busy intersections and imagine myself as a victim of an "accident". Because crying wasn't doing enough for me, I decided to start up a system of "self-harm".
Please don't make fun of me, but I am absolutely horrified of knives, so I never slit my wrists. I would just scratch one little ***** of skin with my nails until it was red, painful, and damp. The sting helped calm me down and gave me something visual to prove I wasn't okay. I don't do it too often- the last time was about a week ago.
Christmas break rolled around and made me better, and after christmas break I asserted to the guy that I didn't ever want to date him and he began to leave me alone (finally- but he still sent me a carnation on valentine's day and still sends me a text every once in a while). My sister came home from school, so I don't have to worry about her as much. I don't look at buses and think of how I could make my death look un-intentional anymore (not that I ever would have followed through- I knew that would hurt my family and friends). I should be better, right? I got through that first semester without talking to anyone, right?
But my grades aren't doing as well this semester (I'm registered for about 21 hours), which is hard because everyone expects nothing less than straight A's out of me (including myself). My applied instrument professor has been pushing and reprimanding me for not being better and comparing me to another (better) freshman in my studio for the past 5 weeks, but I just feel so burned out and defeated, and it frustrates her to no end. I feel like I'm failing her, and that she should regret letting me in. No one else seems to struggle so much- I practice 4 hours a day and don't get nearly as much progress as everyone else. It sucks- my professor used to love me, now she doesn't. My practicing, however, has suffered due to my inability to focus. What do I keep thinking about, you may ask? Two things- the acne on my face that I feel obligated to mess with (which leaves my face scabby and disgusting, and makes me feel like the most hideous thing ever), and food.
I've been careful about what I eat for a while now, but at school calorie counting has become obsessive. I'm terrified of the freshman 15. I'm not awful or extreme about it like some girls- I just keep it between 1300-1400 calories a day, and I take every flight of steps I can (4 flights to my room, 2 flights to practice rooms), and try to nibble up my food. I don't even work out. But I can see my ribs without trying to expose them (my stomach isn't caving in or anything of the sort, before you think it is extreme), and I would be lying if I said I didn't like it that way. My mind is constantly trying to figure out how I can figure my next meal to keep my calorie count in check and still satisfy myself, which makes it impossible to concentrate. At home I'm not strict at all (I even tend to gorge a bit, sadly), but I feel like a failure when I overeat. I just wish I could stop obsessing and eat a normal, healthy diet. I don't even really know what a normal mindset is with food anymore.
I've been wanting to get all of this stuff off of my chest to my mom. She's commented on my looking thinner and has also asked me about my scars from scratching myself, but I have been dancing around the topics. I want to tell her the truth, and cry in front of her, and let her in, but I'm so scared she's going to think I can't handle myself and that I need therapy and medicine like my siblings. But those things cost a lot of money and a lot of time; neither of which I have. In addition, I don't want her to worry, or anyone to worry. I just wish they could know what I'm feeling and help me fix myself, ya know?
But I can't do it. If you have any suggestions on how to talk with her, or any advice for me, or any comments about my situation, please do let me know. I would really appreciate some feedback, if for no other reason than to know someone else read this. If you made it to the end (I'm sorry it was so long)! Thank you again for your time; may god bless you!