It Made Me Who I Am Today......

                               I believe that our back ground
                                past and circumstances may have
                                influenced who we are today,
                                but we are responsible 
                                for whom we become.....
                                  the hardest lesson in life is we have to then  
                                learn which bridge to cross and which
                                one to burn......


   This was given to me by a brilliant, intelligent, incredibly brave, patient Psychologist who stuck with me in ten years of therapy, thought this man was nuts for putting up with everything he did, but he saved my life........
    I grew up in a Greek / Italain and Irish home....my father was the Greek / Italian part, my mother the Irish part. 
   I am the baby of
ten siblings...8 brothers, 1 sister. I am also the accident child of an affair that my Mother had with my Uncle..learning this so many eyars later when I was older....but it was kept secret from me when I was younger. I was treated like an out sider, the "bad" child because as to what my mother had done, she was always punished in a sense what she had done....had an affair, stepped outside her marriage...our family was (is) hard Catholic, with some strange beliefs along with that. The family treated her badly to, ousted her, the way they talked ot her...it was hard on her.....
   She was removed from the home, due to she would not give into my siblings father, she fought him hard back...so for punishment he removed her from the house, and placed her in one of the other houses in the family, cut off, denied for months, left alone...once and a while we were allowed to go and see her, a short visit, just another way to hurt her and try and break her....many more months later...she broke, and had an affair with the brother of her husband, no intention to what what so ever, she was never that kind of woman, but he was the only one who showed any caring, the rest of the details are unknown to me.....
  She was allowed to return home...she then was already pregnant with me, they tried to hide it so to speak, but obviously that did not work. when I was born, my mother said she had me alone, in the hospital with the nurses or what ever they had back then...when she brought me home, he would not even hold me, touch me, or bearly even look at me. (t was never told to me why my biological father did not take me) ......
  My siblings father was a cold, disconnected man. He hardly had an expressions on his face, hardly smiled. He had the darkest brown eyes that would stare right through you some days. He did nit believe in feelings or emotions, they were nothing but useless weaknesses that were pointless in life....he was raised by his father to be this way, and it carred down the line in his side of the family. He then carried that into us...we were forbidden to express feelings or emotions, he did not want weak children he would say...and we would be punished if we did.....by the time we hit our young youth, as we hit high school, we were all so disconnected from them, and it carried on worse.....
   My sibling's father was always the hardest on me, more severe punishments, words colder than the rest, rough handling as a child, beatings as a teenager...his hatred for me grew and grew, always having to look into his own brother's eyes, being always reminded what his wife had done....and not knowing ay of this at the time. We would have huge family get togethers, the elders in the family would stare and whisper at my Mother and I, it was a awkaward feeling to know your own family whispers behind your back.
   With my sibling's father raising me hard, being hard on me, I grew deep anger, silent anger, not the kind of anger to be expressed, but kept inside, silent...the very look in my eye one could see it, nothing there, but cold, empty anger. My Mother and I would have little moments together, and she would try to always undo what my siblings father was doing to me, always told me not to let the darkness take me away, but she could see I was slipping into it more and more...as I grew, I became cold, calculating as he...no expressions on my face, hardly smiled, locked up tight, I had no real idea how to feel, exchange...people would anger me, kids in school, always in fights, in total rebellion as a child and youth...I could feel myself slipping away more and more as well, till I felt nothing.....
  He was hard on my brothers, and became even harder as they grew, being they were tall and strong, he always kept that deep fear in them. They to as well were rebellious to him, but never my Mother so much, she always had ways to calm us after dealing with him, we had no idea, but she did.......
  One thing my father taught all of us was how to read people, how to influence them.....for the good and bad....for what our family did...he taught us well how to read people, from body language, to the flucture of the eyes when having conversations....and taught us how to sit, position our selves when dealing with people....our family owned certain businesses where we had to deal with a lotof people, and when we were all old enough we were told to work in some of these bussineses...so learning how to read people well was a good pay off......we grew up basically in a sexually charged back ground, not that we did anything sexual,but worked in the environements where others did....we became pretty good at reading people.....
   He pushed my bothers hard into the busineses they ran, which made them slip away more...my mother tried hard to keep us away from it...
  I remember the day well. I was 15 years old...back in Catholic school, being that I was kicked out of regularschool then, but coming home from school one day,my mother told all of us kids to get ready, clean up, we had company coming....so we did....another family came over for dinner that night, they wanted to buy into one of his bussinesses...we could hear them talking about it, then I was called and asked to sit at the table with them. Across from me was this young guy...they began talking about us two, introduced us...I did not like him the moment I met him, there was something about him, he could tell by the way I was looking at him...they were making arrangements for me to marry him when I turned 16..that was the first time I had ever stood up to my sibling's father ever...after they all left we got into a horendous arguement, more like a fight..told him I refused to marry him, I was scared, never been near a guy before...we fought and fought about it, finally he lost it on me, and back handed me so hard, I saw a side of him that scared me to the very core....
  The day came of my wedding to him...my one girlfriend I had, she slipped me some stuff that well helped me relax, oh it did all right, I was half baked, we snuck a few shots of alcohol, I was terrified....then the rebellious side of me hit hard, hated my sibling's father with every fibre of humanity in me...told my self I will give him a wedding and a half he will never forget forcing me to do this, and I did....we made it through the ever on going ceramony....I would not look him in the eye hardly, as we did our vows...I could see his stare, but would not look at him if I did not have to...the reception, I got so wasted, slamming down drinks, emebarrased my sibling's father so bad, he was furious....but I did not care...hated them both....
  as time went on in this arranged marriage, it was a hell of ten years. He was a cold and abusive man, beat the hell out of me every chance he got...tried to break me, make me submissive to him, but I would never give in, my hate for him would not allow it. It was an embarrassment to him in other's eyes not to be able to control the wife..so his anger of that came out on me. No matter how hard he beat me, I would not give in. He then turn me into an addict...and that was how he controlled me. Some days he would cut me off on purpose, so the with drawls would hurt me so bad, other days so high I could not function....
  Long story shorter, I told my Uncle...which I now know is my father...to get me out of this marriage, but he knew his brother would not allow it, and I told my Uncle if I do not get awat from him, then I was fully ready to make him go away another way, I had nothing left in me, I really did not care at the point. Days later I had called him, as my husband lay in the floor bleeding from the head, he had beat the hell out of me on time too many that morning, and lost it (after 9 and a half years taking this) and slammed him over the head with a cast iron frying pan after I got up from the floor....my Uncle freaked out..minutes later the polic were there, the neighbors had called them, as they always heard our fights and feared the worst..well that day was here.....
  The police took me, and rushed him to the hospital with bad head injuries, he survived, but will never be quite the same again. I went through all the legal fight to keep me out of jail...with a long court battle over this, I was sent to a psychriatric center for months...seemed like forever...at first I resisted them, fought them at every turn I could get...then it was explained ot me if I did not work with them, I would end up in jail....and that is where I met the Psychologist that changed everything....
  I was a total mess, with drawling from hard drugs, broken spirit at all angels, we began the long haul of helping me through everything....ten years of therapy with him...he would push me to deal with things, make me remeber things, hated it, he challenged me....but in the end it all paid off.....
   I have healed from the past....I can talk about it, and it does not hurt me any more. One thing my therapist always told me, "nothing can hurt you if you do not let it in" he told me to use what was taught to me, seperate myself from the "feelings" of it, He also told me always that I could do two things with this kind of past..I could either hang on to it, and let it ruin me, keep me weak...or turn it around and use it as a strength, told me to choose one....he explained it will forever be there, but taught me how not to let it hurt me any more...I am not there any more, I am not near those people any more, to keep that in my head always.......
  He also told me to use what was taught to me on how to read people, how to influence them in positive ways, instead of having them be used in negitive ways....
   so when I got out of the rehab center, my  biological father (once thight was my Uncle) had totally set me up in a beautiful little apartment....neverhad I ever lived on my own before (age 22)...so it was very over whelming for me to have freedom to do what ever I wanted, live how I wanted, come and go freely without somone stopping me from doing that. I had no clue at the time what to do for a work, as I was never allowed to work ever when I was married, so I was freaked. I made a few friends. One of my friends I had asked me if I wanted to come to where she worked, she worked with poverty ridden people, homeless people, people once like me coming off of drugs or in the process...it was something that captured me....took the courses to do this kind of work, and then worked along side of her....it was hard work, dealing with people who were so broken....
  and thus started me working with all ranges of people....i went from there to working with people with physical and mental disablities...my main focus was people with mental disablilties...had a way with them, and it took me into what I do now.....
  My past made me what I am today, as horrible as it was, I would not be the person I am today. I am a hard edged person when driven to...but at the same time I do have a big heart for people, but have that line where I will not allow them to take advantage, still using what was taught to me, being able to read people, watch them, their movements, their body language, their facial expressions, learning how they are, listening to how they use words..all of it....
  When it comes to relationships...that is a big one for me, I no longer have a fear of men...which my Aunt says can be a dangerous thing, but I told her I will never cower to any man again. I can be over bearingly stubborn, but yet I will compromise if they are willing to, if I do not see it, then I will stand the ground no matter what....i no longer will let any man make me fear their anger, for my defense comes out after what was done to me, it makes most back right off....I hard but fair, I do niot sugar coat anything, it is either black or white, no grey...and if one does not like it, well that is the way I am...i will not change who I am, I will not live for what another wants me to be any more, my motto is if you do not like me..well too bad, I am who I am...I will not let another's influence change me for their own needs....
 



deleted deleted
26-30
1 Response Dec 15, 2012

You are a better person now!!!! Love life and live!!