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Dear Dad: even though you didn't like me when i was growing up,i still love you

...as i sit here while the world flows like water around me,its as if i'm not moving at all....as a child i experienced many heart aches,i dont even know where to begin so i'll try to list them in order 1. my earlist childhood memory was when i was 2 years old and my mom jumped out the bathroom window,i thought she was gonna help me out once she all the way out the window,i stood on the back of the toilet seat trying to crawl up the wall.then i realized she was running,i screamed"mommy" she turned around,briefly,i screamed "wait for me"then she was gone.i still can remember sitting on the steps of our apartment,waiting for my mom to come visit and everytime a lady walked in a would run up to her asking "are you my mommy" it never was.come to find out my dad was lying when he told me she was coming,i guess he liked to see me cry.i can remember not being able to stand up,i was on my knees,barely being able to catch my breath,i swear i could actually feel my heart breaking...anyways do you wonder what she was running from? my dad...he was an alcoholic that was first my grandmothers boyfriend.my grandma has 2 daughters,my mom that was 12 and my aunt chris.she was 9.to make a long story short my grandma,which was an alcoholic to left her daughters with my dad.my dad was 23 and started sleeping with my mom,they had my brother 5 yrs later then my dad had a son with my aunt chris(my cousin-brother) the following year and then the very next yr me and my twin sister were born.i understand why my mom left my dad use to let his friends rape mt mom,she was hospitalized several times from the severe beatings she endured etc,i dont understand why she would leave us with him.we were 2.i was beat probably 4 times a week.it was my dad,my brother my twin sister and me and i always wondered why every bit of anger was towards me.i was a very quiet and shy sweet little girl.years later i asked him why me and i finally got my answer "because you cried to damn much for your mom"is what he told me! wow it was'nt until i had daughters of my own did i really realize how wrong it was,that my dad would wake up me and my twin sister around 2:00am to dance for his friends(we were between the ages of 7-12,i thought he just ,for once thought i was good at something and wanted to show his friends(SICK ****!)...we were'nt allowed to have friends in school (school is for an education not to make friends) i was told one day while getting whipped because another little girl said hi to me in front of my dad. i was starved,wow i weighed 45lbs in 7th grade.you can imagine the bullying that i sufffered from the ages of 7-11 one of my dads other sons raped me..i never told anyone,then one day i got the courage to tell my teacher.which she told the office,they called the police,the police came to my house and told my dad,my dad said i was lying,so they left and i was taught with a leather belt and a grown man powerful blows all over my body to never tell anyone what goes on behind the walls at 10150 sepulveda blvd #118.i shiver just thinking about it.and that was the very moment I thought I would end up dying there.i didn't know whether it would be from one of the beatings,from hunger,if my dads son would get me for telling.he denied it &everyone believed the straight A student voted most popular well 20yrs later I got a call and it was him.i started screaming asking how he got my number.huh he called to make good with god because someone stabbed him 22 times and he didn't know if he'd survive.he did...i always thought god would eventually correct it somehow.like he just forgot about me.then i realized this was my life so i tried to comitt suicide 4 times before the age of 13.
i wish I had family to turn to but that's a whole nother story let me start by saying that i am half black/half italian (which my dad says "white") my mom left when i was 2 yrs old.so my black father raised me.my story actually goes back generations.my great grandmother on my dads side was a product of a black slave mother and a white father that was her moms "owner".well back in the 1800s it was worse being mixed then it was being straight black,because how dare "white blood be mixed with black blood",is what was said.so my great granmother always taught her children to never mix races EVER!!!! and noone ever did.until my dad cheated on his black wife with one of his white girlfrends and to make a long long story short,my mom got pregnant with my brother (which is 3yrs older then me and my twin sister) and so my dads whole entire family disowned him.so growing up my dad resented us and blaimed us.so in return we were taught to never date white men.because they would use us and abuse us.which in reality my dad did.but as a child i believed that white men were "the devil" as my dad would say.ii became racist and never attempted to get to know white men.but as i got older,i moved away in order to break free from this hell,in which was my life.i slowly retaught my self that my dad was "the devil" and in order to become the kind of woman i wanted to be,i needed to trust myself.so i moved 1500 miles away where i new noone and started MY life where noone new the old me.so remarkably after yrs of getting to know me i ended up marrying a white man.i'm getting a divorce now but wow what a wonderful man he is.we were married for 14yrs and 3 kids.i teach my kids that racism,bullying and any sort of discrimination is 100% not tolerated.my grandmother and great aunts and uncles that disowned us well they have passed away and all their children found me on facebook.we have reunited as a family where now all of our mixed kids play together.....my dad is now a 69yr old fragile old man,still drinking everyday.i have learned in my adult life that even though i had to go through all the things i went through that in some way my dad still did the best that HE could.i cannot hate him.he will have enough questions to answer,to god.i learned a great lesson through my experiences,i learned all the things i dont ever wanna become.so for a living i do respit((taking care of disabled and handicapped adults) and i volunteer at childrens hospital ,in the burn unit.its ironic because now,out of all my siblings,i take care ofmy dad and i'm proud to say that i take care of him the right way,the way he should have taken care of me..well this is my life,this is how i became a strong,independent,great mom,smart,i guess the best way to put it is...this is how i became everything you thought i was'nt daddy  
CraziiBeautiful CraziiBeautiful 26-30, F 4 Responses Feb 8, 2013

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What..? Are you serious? We are like..twins..I am black/white/native american. MY mom is a drug addict. Crack/meth, shes 59 and still doing it. I just forgave her, and am really lost.

You and I need to have a serious conversation if you ever get this message. I need advice, I read your profile, and seriously like, TWINS.

Wow...Thanks for sharing. I appreciate your degree of transparency with your life. If you don't mine me asking, why did you and your husband of 14 years decided to go seperate ways?

Wow! Your story is inspirational, though if I was in your position I would not have stopped to look after my farther, it really shows what a nice honest admirable person you are :)

CraziBeautiful

Your story is so upsetting and inspirational at same time, you really have taken all that **** in your life and turned that into something positive, and continue do so everyday, wow that's real beauty.