Standing Up To Life Chapter 12

PART II: March 1995



   It had been an interesting few months since September. I had basically two camps of people that I had dealt with, the girls and the guys. Wonder that. The guys began razzing me pretty hard about the length of my hair. One such incident happened the day before spring break. “Ralphy,” Lucas had cornered me, “I used to call you a girl because you were such a wimp. Now I’m sure that you must be one - or want to be with your hair like that!” I attempted to get by him to go to Biology, but he blocked the way. “Go away Lucas, I don’t have time for your crap.” I said as I tried getting past him again. “Or what, the little girlie will start crying to her mommy? Or you’ll fight me like the girl that you are? I’m real scared.” He said this as I once again tried pushing past him. “You know, even if I was really a girl I know that I could take care of you just as easily as your pal Matt.” He looked taken aback that I was speaking up to him already. The incident with Matt seemed to bring a spark of uncertainty to his eyes. “Now, you can either move aside, or try to beat me up. I’m not going to take any more of your pathetic trash talk.” Yeah, I’d grown up a bit since September… Now if only he would move out of my way… “Well, Ralphy, I guess I’ll let you go for now, but you watch out.” He said this as he turned around and started to walk away. I noticed that part of the reason for his retreat was the principal coming towards us. Oh well, if nothing else I didn’t get beaten up, that was a start right? 

   I walked up the staircase to class. I got in there a minute early and started talking to Amy. “Brandon, I can’t believe it, I think Lucas was actually afraid of you!” Amy said. I forced myself to chuckle, “Yeah, boy I’m glad he doesn’t realize nothing has changed! I’m still just as short as I was at the beginning of the year, and I’ve lost weight even… I’m even less of a threat now than I was then!” She laughed a bit too. “Hey, what are you doing over the break?” she asked. “Well we’re going to stay at home. My parents can’t really afford to go anywhere with the trip this summer. You?” I asked, knowing that money would definitely not keep her from going anywhere. Her mom was a doctor and her dad was a lawyer. There was certainly no lack in money at her house. “Mom and Dad have to work next week, so I’m stuck at home.” She paused for a second as if pondering something. “Would you like to come hang out at my house on Monday?” I didn’t know what to say. I hadn’t been invited over to anyone’s house in a long time, let alone a girls house. What would we do? What would the other kids say? I spoke without thinking any further thought, “Sure! Where is your house?” “It’s down…” It turns out she only lived three blocks away in a nicer section of houses behind our house. She wrote down directions during class, and wrote noon down. “Amy, thanks for being such a great friend! I’m really excited to come over.” I somehow kept from squealing with the glee that I felt.

   We walked down the hall and the stairs together before splitting off to our separate classes. I couldn’t believe it, she was a real friend that was really inviting me to come over to her house to hang out! Over the past few months we had reaffirmed to each other that neither of us wanted to date the other, but were just good friends. Still, this was the first time that we were going to see each other outside of school. I had been quiet the past few months to most people in my classes. That was part of why I think that bullies had been giving me a wider berth for the most part. My novelty as a target had worn off. My hair had also given me a bit of status bump as well. It was almost down past the bottom of my neck now, and a lot of the girls had decided I looked like a rock star. What I did know was that it was becoming harder to comb in the morning. Mom said something about taking me to go look for some hair care stuff today when she got home. I didn’t know what she meant, but I hoped it would be something else that would get me closer to my real goal of being more like a girl.

   This was all running through my head when I walked into Social Studies. The class was normally a waste of time, but with everyone being excited about getting off for break it was even more pointless. We got through the class after having to do a crossword puzzle while yet another episode of America’s funniest home videos played. Leaving there I went over to the band hall for band practice .Mrs Remar made us practice up till the last minute of the period. She was getting us ready to go to a contest next moth, something that sounded both cool and scary at the same time. I had maintained my first chair status, and with some lessons I was taking had gotten through stuff second year students were learning. I went through the period thoroughly distracted, thinking of going to Amy’s house, but getting my parts right. I put my saxophone away and hurried to choir. Mrs. Schultz knew that she had no control over her classes, so she chose to show a movie that day to avoid the fight. That took me to lunch. Amy and I sat with her friends talking at lunch, in what had become normal for us. One of our friends, Rachel, asked me. “So Brandon, how long are you going to grow your hair out?”  I shrugged my shoulders, “I don’t know, I’m kind of thinking I’ll let it get to here,” I said while motioning to just below my shoulders. “It’s not as long as I want it yet, so we’ll see.” “I think it would be awesome if you grew it out that long. You look cute with longer hair. Much better than that spike you’d worn since forever.” Nikki said.

   I turned bright red and the girls all giggled. “Thanks, I think.” I said. They started talking about their favorite movies. I just kind of sat there and took in what they were talking about. Lunch seemed to fly by quickly that day, but everything else certainly dragged on forever. It seemed like three days had passed between then and when the bell rang after school. I got my saxophone and ran to the bus. I was truly ecstatic that the break was here now, especially now that I had Monday to look forward to. I had Amy’s directions in my pocket and nothing could stop me from having a good day going home. Not even some snide comments from Lucas talking about the girl named Ralphy on the way home. Once I crossed the major street that ran between my block and the bus stop I started skipping for some reason. I didn’t even notice it until I got halfway home. I turned around hoping no one had been watching. Thankfully, no one had. I got home and threw my backpack and jacket by the door, got some water, and sat down at the computer. I had found a new site yesterday that talked about ways of hiding the fact that I was a boy. From what I had read, it was possible to keep my body from becoming as masculine if I started on female hormones in the next couple of years. I didn’t know if it was possible or not, but my goal was to somehow let my parents know my thoughts by the time I turned 13... That was my brick wall I was afraid to hit.

   Mrs Schultz had given me a miserable thought the day before when she said that often time boys with high voices got the lowest voices once puberty set in… I was scared that would happen to me if I waited too long beyond that. Since September I had begun to do a lot of little things different. For one, I had stooped drinking coke every day. I was drinking like four cokes after school every day, plus cokes at lunch, and I was afraid I was going to get fat - and consequently not be able to be a cute girl. My mother was not exactly the skinniest individual and I didn’t want to become like her (she wasn’t really fat, but she wasn’t skinny). That brings me to something that had been a huge nuisance for me. I read in story after story about boys being able to try on their mother’s clothes. I wish I had their mother’s, I didn’t even bother trying because I knew everything would be to big. I also didn’t have a sister, so there was no chance for me to act out on this desire to dress like a girl. It was truly driving me insane. I heard a car door slam outside and instantly began closing the window that I had open. I also started quickly cleaning out any trace of the sites I had gone in. We only had one computer that was in the family room, so I had to be careful not to let my parents figure out what I looking at online. I had little doubt there would have been huge consequences  imposed on me if they did.

oldgrumpy oldgrumpy
51-55, M
Sep 14, 2012