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Needed To Say This...(no One Has To Read)

This is a confession I wrote last night that I wish to keep it on this site and knowing confessions have a short life span I re-post this here:

For some reason this ended up in the...mature category in my first few attempts to post this...but I assure you...it does not protein to that subject...this is simply a venting confession...

I wish...I could convince myself...that I don't deserve to feel like this...that I haven't done anything to deserve these painful memories and feelings from the past...But I can't...I can't even convince myself I'm good enough to call anyone...but then again...I don't like admitting how much I am hurting...I don't think...I'll ever be better...I think...I won't allow myself...to heal...because...being broken...is what I've grown accustomed to...
Part of me...it tells me I DESERVE every painful second of this...that I don't deserve to be happy...that I don't deserve to know love from anyone...or to even know what it is...a part of me...even though I'm in a better place and am healing (in a way) that I still...wish to no longer be alive...
No one truly knows...how deeply it hurts...how I wish everyday...that I could feel better...about myself and in general...

I look at people walking down the sidewalk of my university...and I feel nothing but sadness...and loneliness...wishing that I could have someone to walk with and laugh with...I have my roommate...but she has others...we're only trying to get along...she's nice and I do like her...but...it will be a long while...before I can truly feel like she's my friend...and not just someone I live with until May...

Why is it...that I am finally in a better place...that I am finally free of my mother...and what she was doing to me...I can finally work though the abuse I suffered...I can finally live MY life as my own...not the pathetic attempts of two hopeless people that were far too damaged to properly raise a child...let alone two...

I started this out...as a status for Facebook...because I promised myself that I would be more open about how I feel...that I would tell others about things...but...being the coward I am...I couldn't post it...I decided to make it a note on Facebook...again...cowardice took over and I decided to post it on here...where only one person knows who I truly am...

I don't care what anyone says about these feelings and thoughts I have...I know I shouldn't have them...I know I need help...but...that doesn't mean I will feel any better about myself or in general...I am far more broken inside than I believe anyone realizes...as I write this I fight tears...I hate crying...and also...my roommate will be home any minute...I don't want to cry in front of her...I hate crying in front of anyone...but...it would be nice...to cry...and let things out...I have been weighted down by deep emotional pain this past week...and all it takes are a few forced goofy comments to my friends to make myself sound normal...for them to buy that I am alright...do any of them truly care how I honestly feel?...if they do...why don't any of them see it and call me like I do for them when they are upset...when I read between the lines seeing what they truly mean...why don't they see how much I'm hurting and try to help me?...I was always one of the strong ones in high school...I was always the one that dealt with everyone's problems...but her own...it hurts me deeply...to know that none of them have truly noticed...some of them have known me for years...and still....nothing....

Some days are easier than others...in all honesty I am happier at my university than I have been in a long time...but that doesn't mean that I am ok...I am far from it...my mind still wonders to the past...memories and pain hit me at random...seeming to have a mind of their own...seeming to take over and try to ***** me of what happiness I have finally obtained after years of seemingly endless pain...why...why must it continue to hurt to live?...why have I endured pain at the hands of those I am closest to for so long...that I do not know what it is like to experience joy in little things any longer?...

Sometimes at night...as I lay there before sleep claims me for the night...my mind wonders to the past...I see and hear the abuse...but above all...I feel the emotions from then...because my abuse was not mostly physical...it was mostly mental and emotional......just because I have no visible scars...no one notices...no one sees the broken person behind the crumbling mask she composed...the person I was in high school is no longer there...I am a different person...that is depressed and dealing with memories surfacing...things I believed as a child were lies...my parents weren't as nice as I claimed them to be......when your a naive child.....you see everything differently until you start to see the truly cruel world we live in is...

I feel as if the real me...is buried in the back of the me's mind that everyone sees...that I'm a child in the back of my own mind...balled up in the fetal position hugging her knees tightly crying loudly...hoping that someone will hear....but....no one does....no one has ever heard me...why don't they hear me?...I make it obvious sometimes that I'm hurting...just because I want to see if anyone notices......and sometimes...I just don't care if they see...I can't be strong like I was any longer...I have fought for over half my life battling depression and pain...since I was 8 years old......12 long years I have been fighting....and....I feel like I am ready to give in...I'm tired of fighting all the time...I'm tired....of it all...

I still have days that I lay in my bed silently crying hoping and begging that I die that night...to just end it all...because I always seem to slip into a sad mood...a mood that...I feel so empty, alone, and sad...that I do not care what happens to me next...every day is a struggle...

My family makes it no better...the more I am in contact with them...the more it hurts me...my mother blames me for the emotional and mental abuse I suffered though....claiming that it's "my fault for taking it [the things she said] that way"...when I was a small child up to an emotionally and mentally damaged teenager...and my father pretends not to remember all the things he has done......did I truly deserve all of that?....what have I done in my life...to suffer like that....because...no matter how much time has passed...how much help I may get...how many loved ones I obtain in my life...those memories and scars will always be in my mind and heart...I will never have fond memories of when I was growing up...I look back and I see a blur of memories and pain...only a few things I wish to truly hold onto...most of my happiest memories when I was a child...I was alone....watching TV....holding a stuffed animal......am I alone in this?...is that not what most children look back on when they get older and smile saying "I was so happy when I watched that..."

Why is it...no matter how many steps I seem to finally be able to take...I get pulled back to fall flat on my face again......I know that I am in charge of my own healing now...but...I need people to fall back on to support me......I have a few friends...that will....but..................

In all this jumbled mess of words and thoughts with feelings...I hoped I would feel better after writing it...but...I just feel worse...because...I am alone right now...and I do not want to be...it hurts me...to think of my past...it hurts me...to think of my family...it hurts me...to think of my friends that don't notice....so much in life hurts.......why do some people claim that "every day is a gift"?....pain is a gift?...if that is the case...I have always been showered in gifts my entire life......

It feels nice...to get all these things out...here I can say things that I can never voice to another person...no matter who they are...because...I don't like admitting that I'm hurting...I did in the past...and was told to "suck it up"...or to "deal with it"...how do you know...when to suck it up...and when to talk about it...if that's all your told growing up?...how do you differentiate between what is acceptable pain...and what is unacceptable pain?...I do not understand this...for no one has ever explained it to me...

These are some of the things I lay there at night thinking of...I'm not sure how often I do think of them...but...I do know they pass through my mind quite a bit...I often lay there wondering...about how other people grew up...of what a "happy house" hold is...what...the "joys of life" are....what "love" truly is....etc. etc. etc........

But in the end...I end up with the same thoughts in my mind "I don't deserve happiness...love...or a good life"...
yamihirugashi yamihirugashi 22-25, F 5 Responses Sep 3, 2011

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Sweetie, you ARE free from your mother now, and you are free to find yourself and love yourself and be yourself. Don't let the pain bring you don't. Find a counselor to work thru it all with at your university (its probably free). Sometimes just saying it outloud and posting it places like here helps free you, because its not a secret anymore. If you want to talk, I'm here. You matter and you are important... be strong.

be thankful to the God, make sure everything is OK. Maybe you're not strong enough, but you have your own God and God will help you if you're trying to do the best.
Show them you're better than that, maybe you just bored with this life, like nothing to do, no one care, no one understand, and can't see the happiness around us.
I'm not judge you, but I hope this suggest will make you better :)
Cheer up ! We'll find the another life tomorrow :)

You should pray for the ones you hate. Start helping others and you shall see that your wounds will be healed soon.

you can talk to me if you ever feel like.....:) i will try my best to understand you ...hope to hear from you soon

You need to find God... that's the only thing that will help. I was also very damaged emotionally when I was between 11 and 15 y.o., and it heals slowly. When I feel hurting like this, the only thing that helps is repeating the prayer: "Lord Jesus Christ, Son of God, have mercy on me a sinner" or simply "You, who have created me, have mercy on me". But of course, for this to work one has to actually believe in God...