Im At My Breaking Point

What is life, and why am i apart of it. i dont want it anymore. Tonight is the start of the anti-christ, Yes i grew up in the church, yes i followed the rules of the church as a young teen, yes i once belived there was more to this life of mine, yes i had great relationships with the church people, and yes i felt like god made away for me to have the things i have threw the church, but today i stoped dreaming. Everything in my life worth having came from the people there. I grew up without loving parents, a gay mother and a crack addict father, when i was 12 my mom pushed me off with my dad knowing the life style he was living, she didnt care, but at that age i was just excited to get away from the punishments handed down by my mothers lover, isolation ,beatings, and deprived of house hold goods. I always got the short end of the stick. so i was excited to get away not knowing what was to come. At 12 years old not having seen my dad in years. i thought i would be introduce to real love by a parent. so that 10 hour ride from va to ny was in my mind a new experance, i soon realized it was not getting any better it got worst. as i stated he was a crack head. so i was on my own. so a fast forwarded i found a church family that fed and made sure my needs were met. i really thought god made that path for me to become somthing better. so i was into the teachings of the church (mormans) but being that young i didnt care for the teachings but i went along with it and got baptized, 16 now, things was good eating well on sundays with drfferent families, and seeing how love was being showed to me i was happy untill they started demanding young males to go on missions, that did not sit well with me so i went out and got my gf at the time pregnant. and if you know about mormans that didnt sit well, 18 now so i started seeing how people were acting different around me. I lost my presthood and was told i could not partake ot the bread and water symbolize (blood and flesh of christ). so the people that took me in when i was younger distance themselves from me, so i stoped going but kept a good relationship with the bishop. he gave me money helped me move into my own place got me a job, but fast forwarded to now i tried to get back to church for him after all he has done for me he became like a father to me, i tried to fit into his family but the teachings of the church just dont sit well with me as a man 23now. and now its just me and my lil girl 4yrs old. and i see now that no matter how things was when i was youger so much is changed now. y would god send me to these people if i was just gonna end up the way i am now. and i see now that it wasnt a blessing from god to have the things i have, it was because i put a mask on around these people and they took me as one of them, but i couldnt fake it anymore i stoped putting on the mask i started being me. i wasnt out partying drinking like others but i kept to myself, and seen how as time kept on the more i realized i was just another inactive member. i would say the only bad thing i got into was having a kid but i dont regret my lil girl. she is the only reason y i havent pulled the trigger yet, (pt145) all thoes years i was brainwashed to belive in a profet smith. so all this time of doing things the right way where was god. things in my life was still getting worst, y am i having these toughts of murder and killing myself, i have a good job but ive always had money threw these people. and i still feel the same. having money dosnt change how i feel, not having talked to my mom in a couple of years, same with my dad, who is very sick now but have no feelings for him to get well at all. i dont care what happens. i have had the hot gf (a few) still nothing changes the way i feel. and it just seems likeim getting to my breaking point. today i almost lost it. i got so mad, at my life a took a hammer and smashed the picture of christ took it out the glass frame and riped upthe picture wraped it in paper and set it on fire. i thought it would bring some relife but i just got angryer i found my bible and riped each page and trashed it 2 also the book of morman. and i was speaking to god as i was doing all of this saying if you dont take my life from me in my sleep or some freak accident i will soon loose my self control and began to send some of your children home to you. of course i got no responce witch is making me even more hott. so this is where i am at this point. im at the edge and im not far from going over. i always have these thoughts threw out the day, and they are about to be come a reality. so this is me putting my faith into th anti christ and only "GOD" can stop me now. my anger is becoming uncontrollable and the beast inside me is starting to take over. thank you for taking the time to read my story cause its just gonna get worst, but thats what im use too. i would have rather stayed in the abuse and poor then to have people and money and god to come into my life to drive me to hate everything and everyone.
latmilli45 latmilli45
22-25, M
Sep 9, 2012